S02 E03 – Stage Fright

First up, my apologies for the extremely long hiatus. When I last updated, I was rather bogged down in wedding planning; shortly after getting married, I got pregnant and developed a severe case of pregnancy-brain which rendered me unable to write anything coherent or remotely amusing (I also totally got fat, which this show warned me about many a time, but at least nobody made me parent an egg). However, the baby is a few months old now and I am more or less back to normal, and more than ready to start mocking things again. So let’s get started!

We open with a close-up of Caitlin, who is looking, as usual, concerned. Although she has a pretty legitimate reason to look this way: someone's taped a load of cotton wool and wires onto her head. You'd look concerned too.

A white-coated doctor explains that she's being hooked up to a machine that will measure her brain's electrical activity. (This does not explain why someone has stuck a cotton wool electrode onto her chin, as last time I checked, most people’s brains were not in their chins. But maybe they do things differently in Canada.) As Caitlin shuts her eyes and tries to relax, we see that she actually turned up for her brain scan wearing tan eyeshadow. Girl has an impressive commitment to low-level glamour.

And that's it. As Degrassi's pre-credits scenes go, it's kind of vague, and doesn't really reveal that much – except that Caitlin either has health problems or is working as a test subject to earn pocket money. Well, it's less effort than a paper round.

After the credits, Caitlin's being driven to school. "I've been practising the audition piece for the play for weeks," she complains. Her mother, who's currently pioneering murky green houndstooth-patterned satin with less-than-stellar results, answers, "I just don't think you should do anything too strenuous for a while. You have epilepsy. What if you had another seizure?"

"I had one seizure over the holidays," Caitlin answers. "The doctor said it might never happen again." "But we don't know, do we?" asks her mother. Wow, way to boost your child's confidence, lady!

Caitlin insists that she'll be fine if she takes her medication, and her mother produces a bottle of pills that she left in the bathroom at home, then nags her to put on her Medic-Alert bracelet, then reminds her repeatedly to take her pills. Caitlin grudgingly puts the bracelet on, and her mother finally says she can audition for the play. Caitlin gets out of the car, then takes off the bracelet as soon as her mother's gone. Ominously funky synth music plays, to show that she’s taking risks.

So, we've established the theme of the episode: chronic health conditions and annoying parents who nag you about them.

Caitlin arrives in the Bathroom of Skanky Transformations And General Deception. Because the writers don’t trust us to remember upcoming school events for more than a couple of seconds (see also: Photo Day), the room is plastered with posters about auditions for the play, and the principal is making an announcement about the auditions over the intercom. Just as Caitlin’s about to take her pills, Kathleen wanders in and asks where she’s been. Caitlin hides her pills without taking them and says she had the flu.

Kathleen smugs that she never has the flu because she always eats a balanced diet. And in one efficient line, the writers slip in some nice foreshadowing of future plots, and make me hate Kathleen still more. “What a good idea,” Caitlin snarks, although sadly this is to be her one and only moment of sarcasm ever.

The girls hover in front of the mirror, Kathleen fakely brushing her hair and Caitlin endlessly adjusting her headband. They talk about the auditions, and it turns out they’re both auditioning for the same part. This whole scene is incredibly awkward and stilted, and I can’t tell if it’s intentional because the girls don’t like each other or just really bad acting, even by Degrassi standards.

Meanwhile, Joey and Snake are in the hallway. Joey is insisting that he knows some guy at a record company who wants to hear a Zit Remedy demo tape. Snake points out that the guy drives a truck for the company and thus probably can’t help them much. Given that they still only have one song and it only has two lines and they’re both total crap, this guy’s job description is really the least of their problems.

Just then, Alexa and Michelle walk by, talking about speeches they have to give for Mr Raditch’s class. Well, Alexa talks about her speech; Michelle just hangs her head shyly and says, “Please don’t talk about speeches.” Only, she says this SO shyly that the line has had to be redubbed, and it’s done so badly that it sounds more like a voiceover, as if it was her internal monologue or something. It’s just confusing . Joey sneaks up and tickles her to scare her, then runs off laughing. Michelle sadly complains that she’s so shy she “can’t even order a hamburger without turning red”. And so we’ve established the episode’s secondary plot: Michelle is shy, and Joey is kind of a dick about it for some reason.

Caitlin and Kathleen arrive in the classroom. Susie is thrilled to see Caitlin back, and they squee about a birthday sleepover Susie’s planning. “Why don’t you invite some boys to your sleepover?” asks Melanie hopefully. Kathleen calls her a “sax-starved maniac”, and says she’ll end up like Spike. She’s only talked to two people this morning and she’s been a judgemental bitch to both of them (and to Spike, who isn’t even there). How very Kathleen of her.

Anyway, Susie starts to say something to Caitlin, but Caitlin has completely zoned out and is staring off into space. After a minute, she wakes up. “What were you daydreaming about?” asks Susie. “I bet you were thinking about Rick!” Caitlin insists she wasn’t daydreaming, and then they’re distracted by a random girl asking what the deal is with her and Rick anyway, since they had progressed to chaste kissing quite a while back. Susie expositions that they like each other but are too shy to get together. And so Rick is doomed to be lonely and working-class forever.

Meanwhile, in Mr Raditch’s class, an agonized Wai Lee is stumbling through a terrible speech about why he likes to watch TV: “Cos you learn a lot about… life… and… it’s fun.” Well, it can be fun. Perhaps this show isn’t the best example.

The class gives him a token round of faux-applause, and Mr Raditch tells him to pay less attention to the TV and more to his homework. As the bell goes, Michelle cringes at the revelation that Mr Raditch can be kind of bitchy when people do crappy work. She apparently hasn’t been paying any attention up to now.

Joey calls her “Mouse”, and asks if she’ll have a microphone so people can hear her when she gives her speech. All the guys laugh at her. Yeah, normally Joey’s douchiness is at least mildly entertaining, but this is just mean. Michelle panics at Alexa and says she needs to get out of doing the speech.

Since we haven’t been reminded about the school play for the last few minutes, we see Caitlin walking past another audition poster, while Mr Lawrence booms over the intercom, “To be or not to be… a part of this year’s school play?”. Oh man, that’s bad. Anyway, she stops next to another poster, nearly gets her toes run over by Maya’s wheelchair* for no particular reason, and starts to take her medication. But she’s thwarted again when Susie turns up and suggests doing a séance at the sleepover. Actually, the thwarting makes no sense this time, because Susie notices the pills and Caitlin says they’re for a headache. So she could have just taken one anyway without Susie finding out she had epilepsy... Aaaugh, overthinking Degrassi plots is probably bad for my mental health.

*Maya Goldberg, Token Wheelchair Girl and presumable Token Jew, appears in the background of pretty much every episode but doesn’t actually get any plot (or more than one line of dialogue, as far as I can remember) until well into the High School years. I think this is what passed for inclusiveness in those days.

Kathleen walks by, bragging to Melanie about how she’s been practicing her audition piece and her mother says she’s a natural for the part. (Although actually, given what we learn in future episodes, this is probably a total lie.) There’s sad, sad music, and Caitlin worries about the idea of Kathleen getting the part, but Susie says to relax, because she always beats Kathleen! What a healthy attitude.

Everyone goes into the auditorium for auditions. Rick starts climbing up a ladder with some stage lighting, but stops to say hi to Caitlin. Scooter, who’s watching him, says, “So that’s why you’re helping with the play!” “Get lost, you little narbo!” Rick snaps, and my wholesome love for him is slightly diminished, not because he’s being mean to Scooter but because he’s using terrible fictitious slang.

Susie says she’s glad she’s the stage manager, because if she had to go on stage, “I’d have a fit!” Ah, this show, always ready with the subtle foreshadowing.

Caitlin is the first to audition, and for some reason the audition piece is an incredibly emo speech that starts, “There was such unhappiness in our home,” and takes it from there. Her generally morose demeanour works pretty well with this.

Backstage, Alexa and Michelle are futzing with horrendously ugly costumes and planning how to get Michelle out of making her speech. Alexa suggests telling Mr Raditch she has a contagious disease, which seems to be rather a popular excuse around these parts, but (a) would require a doctor’s note, as Michelle points out, and (b) wouldn’t particularly prevent someone from giving a speech if they were already at school anyway. She next suggests pretending there’s been a death in the family (and frankly it’s a little disturbing how excited she seems about this one), but Michelle rejects this as being too morbid. Next suggestion: “Tell him you’re on your period and your cramps are the worst! Male teachers always get flustered when you mention the word ‘period’.” With the possible exception of Mr Colby. Michelle reckons this would be too embarrassing, and… yeah. Mr Raditch is just not the kind of person you tell about your menstrual troubles.

Meanwhile, Caitlin’s just finishing the audition piece, which has apparently taken a turn for the cheerful, because it ends “It was the most wonderful moment of my life.” Unfortunately, she’s still speaking in the same incredibly bleak tone of voice that she uses in most situations.

She walks off stage and stands next to Susie, who tells her she did great. But Caitlin has zoned out again and doesn’t hear her. After a second, she snaps out of it, and Susie asks if she’s feeling OK. Caitlin insists she’s fine, and then they stop to glower at Kathleen while she reads the audition piece. We don’t hear much of it, but she is at least speaking in less of a bleak monotone than Caitlin did.

Later, Caitlin is upstairs at home listening to her parents arguing about whether she should go to the sleepover. Her dad insists she won’t get enough sleep and the tiredness will make her have a seizure. Her mother, who was all about stopping Caitlin from doing things as recently as this morning, has changed her tune: “She happens to have epilepsy, but she’s still a person!” Although the fact that she actually feels the need to point this out is a little alarming. As Caitlin’s parents talk about how she needs to be careful, she goes into her room and gets her stuff for the sleepover, but leaves her medicine behind. This will, of course, end well.

Cut to a giant, gnarled candle, and Kathleen in a Victorian nightdress, attempting to contact the spirit of somebody’s dead dog. Everyone else clearly thinks this is ridiculous and is trying not to laugh, except for Caitlin, who finds no humour in the situation. OF COURSE.

When the séance breaks up in giggles due to a disappointing lack of ghost dogs, the girls turn on the lights and start looking for some cookies to eat. But Caitlin’s looking sleepy, which of course means she’s about to have a seizure as per her dad’s predictions. We see a shot of the room from her point of view, and everything looks all weird and double-visiony. (Meanwhile, Kathleen is bragging about how few cookies she’s eaten.) There goes the special effects budget for this season.

As super-angsty synth music plays, Caitlin keels over onto a convenient pile of duvets and starts sort of rocking back and forth. (I have no idea if this is a realistic portrayal of an epileptic seizure or not.) Susie realises what’s happening, and everyone flails around, arguing over whether they should put a spoon in her mouth or hold her down or what. And for once, this show actually passes up an opportunity to clunkily educate us, because it’s never really made clear what the girls ought to be doing other than yelling for Susie’s mom. And yelling for Susie’s mom is not a useful option for most people.

Cut to Monday morning and chirpy music! I assume there was supposed to be a commercial break in between, but when you’re watching the DVD it just seems wildly inappropriate. Caitlin and her mom pull up outside the school, and Caitlin’s mom is finishing a lecture about epilepsy management that by all appearances has lasted the whole damn weekend. She asks Caitlin if she’s sure she wants to be in the play, and Caitlin says she has to be in it, or everyone will think she’s a freak. Because… only freaks drop out of things? That doesn’t even make sense, but whatever.

When she gets out of the car and walks into the school, she’s spotted by Kathleen and Nancy and Trish. Kathleen has clearly been dishing about the thrilling epilepsy-related events of Friday night, but the others don’t believe her, because Caitlin “looks fine”. Kathleen insists that she was rolling on the floor and foaming at the mouth and it was really gross, because Kathleen is a bitch like that. As the girls discuss (inconclusively) whether epilepsy is contagious, Rick listens in on them and furrows his brow in a manly yet troubled fashion.

Inside the school, Caitlin runs into Susie and asks if her seizure really was gross or not. Susie unhelpfully says it “wasn’t that bad”.  Caitlin is freaking out about what people are going to think if she has more seizures, and Susie is feebly trying to cheer her up, but they’re interrupted by Scooter shouting that the cast list for the play is up. They go to see if Caitlin got the part, but Kathleen sees the list first, and runs off yelling that she got it. “I’m a wench!” Melanie announces gleefully. I love Melanie so much.

Caitlin is majorly pissed off, because she has to play Kathleen’s servant. This is pretty childish, but I suppose I can sort of see where she’s coming from, because if there’s anyone who would be a total smug pain in the ass about you being her servant in a play, it is Kathleen.

Meanwhile, Michelle goes up to Mr Raditch and whispers that she can’t do her speech because she’s lost her voice. He’s spectacularly unconvinced, and just laughs at her, but eventually relents and tells her to talk aboot something she knows and it won’t be that bad. Joey, who is still being a tool for some reason, laughs at her again. She looks depressed.

After class, Kathleen is babbling about how awesome she is. Caitlin has gone completely paranoid and starts insisting that Ms Avery must be discriminating against her for having epilepsy or something, which is nonsense because Ms Avery is nice and liberal and almost certainly not prejudiced against people with epilepsy. This is just about the most out-of-character thing you could possibly accuse her of. Susie is starting to get annoyed and tells her that Kathleen just did a better audition, then heads to rehearsal. Caitlin hangs back and punches some lockers. Clearly she has been picking up some tips from Rick on how to express her rage in a cool, working-class manner.

She flounces off, and Rick, who’s been watching her, asks where she’s going. “Home,” she snaps. He looks disappointed but lets her go.

In the auditorium, they’re halfway through rehearsing the first scene before anyone notices Caitlin’s missing. Rick tells Susie that she went home, and she tells Ms Avery that Caitlin had to leave due to a “personal matter”. Ms Avery expresses mild disappointment that she wasn’t told sooner, which is as close as she ever gets to being angry, because she’s so nice (and liberal). They move on and start rehearsing a different scene.

That afternoon, Caitlin is at home eating a plate of brown paste (seriously, I have no idea what it’s supposed to be, but it looks nasty) when her parents get home. She announces that she’s dropping out of the play because of her epilepsy. Her mother says she should be in the play anyway, but her dad is all in favour of her basically giving up on life. Caitlin flips out and says she doesn’t want to be Kathleen’s servant. Her parents exchange very laboured anxious faces.

Next morning, she arrives at school, and her tormented expression is wildly at odds with the cheerful music. Also tormented: Michelle, whose speech is today. Also also tormented: me, looking at Caitlin’s hideous green-tiger-print sleeveless T-shirt and co-ordinating headband.

Susie catches up with her and complains about having to cover for her at the rehearsal. Caitlin says she’s dropping out of the play because it’s too dangerous and/or the play is dumb. Susie finally calls her on her bullshit and says she’s just quitting because she’s jealous, then storms off. THANK YOU. Caitlin says nothing, but her expression shows she’s been pretty much busted.

Finally, one of the dullest subplots in a show known for its dull subplots is drawing to a close. Mr Raditch asks Michelle to make her speech, and everyone stares at her. Joey makes squeaking noises, because she’s shy like a mouse or something, but Mr Raditch is having none of it. Michelle has decided to give a speech about what it’s like to be shy, which is not all that surprising since shyness is her only character trait so far.

Pretty much for the sole purpose of breaking up the speech, there’s a brief scene of Caitlin looking tormented in class, while Rick and Susie glower at her.

Michelle is wrapping up her speech. “Worst of all,” she concludes, “I end up with a lot of ugly clothes because I can’t stand up to pushy salespeople.” Everyone in the class chuckles warmly, as if to say, “Yeah! Your clothes are vile!” (Actually, Michelle's clothes are so dull that they've held up much better than most of the outfits on this show -- they're not nice, but they don't make you want to spork your eyes out.) Anyway, Raditch says her speech was good, and everyone claps, and Michelle is relieved. After class, Joey, who’s trying to make leather berets happen, begs her to write his speech for tomorrow, and even offers to give her a tape of the Zit Remedy, but somehow she resists this powerful incentive.

In the bathroom, Caitlin finally womans up and takes her damn medication already.

Kathleen is getting into her costume for the play – a big cloak and a cardboard crown, which she’s wearing backwards. “I guess now Caitlin’s got epilepsy, she won’t be doing much of anything,” she smarms. “How sad.” Rick, speaking for everyone in the audience, asks, “Kathleen, why don’t you just shut up?” Have I mentioned that I think Rick is awesome? Because I do.

Kathleen starts to argue, but they’re both distracted by the sight of Caitlin, who’s just put on her costume – an old-fashioned ballgown with a co-ordinating headband. Seriously. She’s apparently playing the medieval version of herself.

Ms Avery asks if she’s dropping out, and Caitlin says no – “I’ll be the best servant Kathleen’s ever had. And she needs all the help she can get!” She puts Kathleen’s crown on the right way around, and everyone laughs at Kathleen, restoring the natural order of things.

Everyone else abruptly walks off to start rehearsal, and Caitlin is left alone with Rick. (He is up at a height doing something with electrical cables, because health and safety laws have yet to be invented.) “Welcome back,” he tells her. She smiles up at him, and the credits roll, and I think she is the only cast member with a full set of teeth. I mellow towards her slightly.

Dubious lessons of the week: It turns out epilepsy isn’t one of those things you can just ignore and wait for it to go away. But we still don’t know if it’s contagious or not. Fourteen-year-olds are really sympathetic when you tell a group of them about your crushing insecurities. And dog séances aren’t as much fun as you’d think.

S01 E10 – Smokescreen

We start in the hallways at Degrassi, where Caitlin, Susie and an already enraged-looking Kathleen are trying to get people to sign a petition. They have a lot of handlettered posters around, because this is the '80s. "Clean up the environment!" the girls bleat futilely. Everyone ignores them. "I told you this was a stupid idea," growls Kathleen. That's basically her default response to everything.

In the background, we can see Yick and Arthur playing with a basketball down the hall. But then the camera cuts to them walking in the front door. The plague of teleporting schoolboys continues.

Just then, Rick comes in, and Kathleen perks up slightly as she spots a new target for her withering scorn. "Look what the cat dragged in," she smarms. In case you've just joined us: Rick is working-class, and Kathleen hates anyone working-class (also lesbians and, more generally, anyone who isn't Kathleen).

Rick walks straight up to the girls and asks to sign the petition. Caitlin and Susie are pretty astounded that a working-class hero like Rick apparently has a mild interest in the environment and isn't spending all his time unionising dock-workers. Rick and Caitlin exchange adorable awkward smiles before Rick shuffles off.

Susie immediately starts teasing Caitlin, although she admits that Rick is cute. Kathleen butts in to say, "He's also as dumb as a post! And the school criminal!" Hey, those rumours were never substantiated! And why doesn't he get any credit for his heroic distribution of liquorice to the masses? And why has everyone forgotten that the last time Susie teased Caitlin about Rick, it degenerated into a homophobic witch-hunt within minutes?

As Caitlin stares down the hallway at Rick's departing form, she gets an already-all-too-familiar gleam in her eye. "Maybe all he needs is a little help," she muses, as the opening credits start up. Caitlin's found another project; Lord help us all.

I mean, really! The last time she tried to manipulate Rick to suit her own ends, she failed horribly, and was in fact outdone by Joey, who won Rick's heart with some slashy banter and a shared love of scruffy denim jackets. Does she not know when to quit?

After the credits, we're in Ms Avery's class. The kids are taking turns giving speeches on their family history. Susie has pretty much pwned everyone else by giving a talk on black empowerment, then producing a NASA "emblem" that her astronaut uncle gave her. When she finishes, everyone applauds, although Kathleen, predictably, looks disapproving. It's Yick's turn to speak next week, and he looks extremely ill at the prospect.

The class ends, but when everyone's leaving, Ms Avery calls Rick back to ask why he didn't do some geography assignment. He just shrugs angstily in response. Ms Avery, raging lesbian that she is, puts her hand on his shoulder and reminds him that "repeating Grade Seven doesn't mean you have to repeat the same mistakes". Rick just rolls his eyes, and she says that if he doesn't straighten up and fly right, he'll have to repeat the year again. Caitlin watches this exchange from her desk, her eyes brimming with middle-class pity. Once Rick goes out into the corridor, he punches some lockers, because he's a guy, and that's how guys express their feelings when they're all messed up inside.

Arthur's at his locker, and calls Yick over to ask if they can go play basketball. Yick says he has to do research for the family history project, and Arthur (proving yet again that being a nerd does not mean you're smart) is sceptical that family history would involve research.

Yick complains that nobody is going to want to hear about his family: "Who wants to hear about being poor and living in a big house with a million relatives?" Arthur suggests talking about what happened before the Yus arrived in Canada, the land of opportunity, but Yick's determinedly pessimistic. "Who cares about refugees? I need something interesting, like Susie's badge. Otherwise I'll be boring." So our secondary issue of the week is: former refugees who think refugeeism is boring. Uh… if you say so?

On the PA, Mr Lawrence announces that the lunch special today is "Tuna Surprise", and the school dietician says it's excellent. Is "school dietician" Canadian for "canteen lady"?

Rick's in the bathroom, having a smoke. It's a spectacularly angsty, tortured smoke; I think he's been watching too many James Dean movies. He is also standing right in the open, not hiding in a cubicle, which is just asking for trouble. Shane comes in and immediately tells him, "Cigarettes'll kill you, man!" Rick gives a characteristically tortured-teenish response: "Yah, yah. What are you, my social worker?" This line has less of a rhetorical punch to it when you actually have a social worker, though. Also, Shane is quite easy to tell apart from Rick's social worker, as Shane doesn't have a sea anemone for a head.

Unfortunately, Rick's tangled with the wrong guy: Shane has a massive bee in his bonnet about smoking, as previously foreshadowed by his collection of anti-smoking T-shirts. Now, while using the urinal, he rattles off a list of reasons why smoking is totally bad for you, man. Why oh why must so many conversations on this show take place while a teenage boy is peeing? And why is Shane so up on the dangers and grossness of smoking when, as we are soon to learn, he is so very careless about other health issues?

Rick says that the only advice he wants is how to get Caitlin to like him. Shane calls Caitlin "a browner", which I presume is Canadian for "brown-noser". "Yeah, so?" asks Rick, who apparently can't be bothered to dispute that. Shane suggests sitting beside her in class. "She sits in the front!" says Rick. "No way I'm gonna sit in the front." Come on, Rick. Faint heart never won meddly lady.

Shane then says Rick could join the Environmental Action Committee that Caitlin's on, so they'd have something to talk about. Rick decides this is a pretty good idea, even though joining the Environmental Action Committee sounds even nerdier than sitting in the front (I say this as someone who frequently sat in the front and tried to start an environmental club at the age of eight). "Just don't light up in the club room," says Shane, but Rick's outta there before Shane can start lecturing him again.

Cut to the Environmental Action Committee meeting, which is taking place in what looks like a large store cupboard. Kathleen, who is the president, is calling the meeting to order, and even the way she does that smacks of bossy-cowism. Also she is wearing a handmade badge that reads "EAC PREZ", lest anyone momentarily forget who's boss, and sitting in front of a big poster of Tina Turner for some reason, which I think makes Tina Turner the only actual famous person to be in any way connected with this show. Just then, Rick opens the door and walks in. Everyone, even Caitlin, looks anxious, as if he might have been sent in by Big Industry to break some heads.

"What are you doing here?" asks Kathleen, with a look of utter, utter loathing. A standard Kathleen-face, in other words. "I want to join," says Rick (Caitlin looks perturbed again). "What do you know about the environment?" asks Kathleen. Sycophantic giggles from nameless club members.

"I live in it," says Rick, which is a perfectly valid answer, but everyone laughs at him. Even Caitlin. Although she then hastily looks concerned again, and points out that he did sign their petition. "And besides, we need all the help we can get, right?" she adds, which is a rather feeble recommendation. We're so desperate, we'll take anyone! Susie backs her up, and then so do the other club members. Kathleen reluctantly says that he can join, and he sits down next to Caitlin. Cue awkward glances.

The club secretary, some girl called Trish who we haven't seen before, then stands up and announces the first item on their agenda: a new name. Several people exclaim, "Yeah, that's what we need!" Kathleen insists that their current name is fine, Susie says they need something shorter and catchier, and Trish suggests the totally lame "Pollution Busters".

"People, please!" cries Kathleen. "This is a serious committee! I still like the old name, and not just because I thought of it, either." She'll make a fine dictator one day. Rick looks like he disapproves of the whole discussion; clearly he'd been hoping the club would discuss something more exciting, like eco-terrorism.

At lunchtime, Susie, Caitlin, Kathleen, Rick, and Trish are conveniently leaving the building together. Susie muses that the meeting went really well, but they should have talked about the petition more. "Has anybody signed it?" asks Trish. Nobody has the heart to tell her that Rick's is the only name on it so far. While Rick is over at the bike racks, Kathleen asks Caitlin, "What's the big idea letting Rick join the committee?" In case we'd forgotten everything anyone has said about Rick all season, Trish reminds everybody, "He's got an awfully bad reputation…"

Kathleen smugly announces that "I heard even his father disowned him!" Let's all just take a minute to bask in the breathtaking bitchiness of that statement, considering what actually happened between Rick and his father. I get a bit light-headed thinking about it.

"Where do you get these amazing stories?" asks Susie, sounding extra-sceptical in an attempt to cover up the fact that she completely fell for Kathleen's wild tales of lesbianism just four episodes ago. "He flunked," says Kathleen, "we know that's true. And remember all those bruises he used to have? I heard he got them from fights." I'm pretty sure at this point the character of Kathleen is actually just a metaphor for small-minded suburban repressiveness. It's a very effective one.

As if this discussion wasn't annoying enough already, Caitlin pipes up, "It's not his fault he's poor and disadvantaged!" Aw jeez, I mean, it's true, but did she have to say it like that? "What?" asks Kathleen, who obviously feels the poor have only themselves to blame.

Caitlin elaborates, becoming more and more patronising as she goes on: "I mean, so he gets bad marks in school, and people say he's dumb and stuff. But maybe that's because people don't give him a chance. We should give him a chance!"

"Sounds like a really stupid idea to me," says Kathleen. Yeah, giving people a chance is for losers! I have a feeling Kathleen will move to New York when she grows up, dye her hair black, and change her name to Margo Magee.

"Well I'm going to give him a chance," says Caitlin with painful sincerity. Kathleen just turns around in disgust and walks off. I almost admire her wholehearted commitment to being as horrible as possible at all times.

Meanwhile, Yick's walking around downtown. How long is the lunch break at this school, anyway? We see him pass a shop selling random Asiany ornaments, then run back to look in the window and stare at a cheapass vase. "That it!" he exclaims to nobody in particular. He runs into the shop, and because this show's budget won't cover a scene of him buying the vase, we just see a man's hand reach into the window display and take it away.

After lunch, we see Yick proudly showing the vase to Arthur. "It's been in my family for thousands of years," he claims. "It's very valuable. I forgot we had it." Um, yeah, valuable heirlooms are the most forgettable kind! "Your parents let you bring it to school?" asks Arthur, sounding impressed rather than suspicious. Again: nerd ≠ smart. "Um… they don't really know about it," says Yick, which is the one thing in his story that's true.

Arthur asks what dynasty the vase is. "Ming," says Yick, "or Manchu. I don't know. Both maybe!" Arthur says his father knows an antique dealer and they should get the vase appraised. "Maybe later," says Yick. "Anyway, the class will be impressed, right?" Only if they're as gullible as Arthur.

Mr Lawrence is on the PA again: "Would anyone who had the Tuna Surprise at lunch please see Nurse Silver before going home?" I hope they fired the school dietician.

Rick is heading downstairs when Caitlin calls him back. She tells him she's making an announcement tomorrow aboot the petition, and asks if he wants to help. "It's a great opportunity to get involved," she tells him, which is a fairly smooth come-on, but then she unfortunately keeps talking: "Don't worry, I'll do the writing and stuff." Burn.

Rick's down with being patronised, though, so they agree to go to her house and do some nonspecific announcement-related stuff.

After school, Yick and Arthur are cleaning up Ms Avery's classroom and making plans to play basketball afterwards. Yick sticks his bag (which contains the vase) precariously on the edge of Ms Avery's desk and goes off to leave some books back at the library. I can see where this is going! Because I'm smarter than Yick. Which admittedly isn't saying much.

Ms Avery has a "Quote of the Day" sign above the blackboard, which today reads "Honesty is the best policy." This is not one of the show's classier attempts at foreshadowing. Anyway, it's Arthur's job to change the sign, but because he failed in his efforts to become taller by stalking Snake, he's not tall enough to reach it. He is, however, stupid enough to jump up and down in front of the sign three times before realising that won't help.

Looking around for something to stand on, he wisely rejects Ms Avery's incredibly rickety swivel chair, and then, his quota of wise behaviour for the day already exceeded, yanks on her desk. Yick's bag, of course, falls off, and lands on the ground with a noise that sounds more like keys being rattled than a vase being smashed, but whatever. Just to make it extra clear what's happened, he opens the bag and pulls out a piece of smashed vase. I think the vase is smashed, you guys.

Meanwhile, as some badass synth electric guitar music plays in the background (as is usually the case during Rick scenes), Rick and Caitlin are standing outside a factory which is giving off lots of smoke. "The paper says there's all sorts of toxins coming from that factory," she expositions, then adds, "Oh… toxins are poisons." She sure knows how to show a guy a patronising time.

Rick tells a tale of working-class woe about how when he lived with his bad dad, they were near a factory, and they couldn't open their windows because the air smelled so bad. "That's awful," says Caitlin. "You should have gotten an air purifier." Ah, there's nothing like unhelpful advice that comes several months too late. Rick just points out that his dad, being working-class and all, couldn't afford one. Caitlin is horribly embarrassed.

Back at school, Yick's in the corridors, bouncing his basketball and pretending to be a sports commentator. I'm pretty sure this is just filler. When he comes back into the classroom, he sees that Arthur has scrawled on the board, "Yick – took vase to antique dealer." "Oh no," says Yick. The hijinks, they are ensuing.

Meanwhile, at Caitlin's house, the class-based awkwardness is ongoing. Rick pokes at the stereo before looking around and announcing, "Your parents must be rich." Caitlin says they're not, since they're teachers. Rick has some sort of emotional response to the fact that her parents are teachers, but due to the bad acting here I'm not sure if he's impressed or disgusted. Caitlin then admits that her mother is a vice-principal, and cheerfully continues to dig by asking Rick what his parents do. He explains that he doesn't get on with his dad (which is one way of putting it), so he lives with his brother, the godlike Frank, who's a bartender. "What about your mom?" asks Caitlin.

"She left," says Rick, only due to his accent it sounds much more like "she laughed", which makes no sense, either in the context of this conversation or in view of the fact that she was married to Rick's Bad Dad, which I'm guessing wasn't really a laugh a minute.

Clearly deciding that this whole "conversation" thing isn't going too well, Caitlin decides to start work on the announcement. "People everywhere need to be concerned with the problem of pollution," she drones. Rick, sounding terribly disappointed in her, says she sounds like a teacher. She looks pissed off and says nothing.

I'm temporarily distracted by the incredibly ugly '60s-style "sculpture" on the kitchen table; basically someone took a metal bar, twisted it out of shape, then convinced Caitlin's parents to pay money for it. And now they're advertising their idiocy by leaving this thing out where people can see it.

Anyway, Rick's rambling on about how all announcements sound the same, and they need something different to get people's attention. He turns to look at the cassette player, which is blaring out some weirdly bleak '80s electro-pop, then smiles. "I got an idea."

Next morning, Rick and Caitlin march into Doris Bell's office; Rick's carrying a ghetto blaster. Caitlin announces, in her usual morose tones, that they want to make an announcement on behalf of the Environmental Action Committee. Doris cheerfully hands over the microphone, and sits down to stare at what I think is a blank piece of paper, but quickly turns around in amazement when Rick starts playing some awful rap backing music.

And then Caitlin raps. About the environment.

There's a montage of all the other kids listening appreciatively to this atrocity (and even boogieing in some cases). The whole scene is one of the most cringeworthy things in the history of television; I can hardly bear to watch it. I certainly can't bear to watch it more than once, which is why I'm not reproducing the lyrics here.

Um, so somehow the rap has motivated everyone to sign the petition, and there's a second, needlessly protracted, montage of everyone signing, then signing some more. Kathleen, by the way, is predictably disgusted by the whole affair, and for once I'm with her.

The following day, Yick is at his locker when he spots Arthur. Arthur tries to run off, but Yick follows him, asking for his vase back. He then runs into the boys' bathroom, and finds Arthur's feet sticking out from under a cubicle door. Arthur is pretty bad at hiding, like he is at most things.

Yick asks again for his vase back, but Arthur says it's still being appraised and the antique dealer is nearly finished with it. "He says it's really interesting. He says he's never seen one quite like it." Yick looks perturbed, but eventually gets Arthur to promise he'll have it back by Friday.

The sound throughout this scene was dubbed in really badly, by the way, so that half the dialogue sounded all echoey and detached, like a voiceover flashback. It's really distracting.

Back in the club store-cupboard, Kathleen calls another meeting to order. Where did she get a gavel? Trish stands up and announces the first item on the agenda: a new name. Rick rolls his eyes, and Caitlin complains that they always talk about that, and what about the petition? "What about the petition?" Kathleen sneers.

Susie points out that they've got almost 200 signatures and they should take the petition to the factory, but Kathleen shoots her down: "Nobody's going to pay attention to a petition from a bunch of kids!" Rick gets all riled up, and asks, "How would you know, brainbox?" Caitlin, who's clearly decided she's his handler, tries to calm him down by saying he and Susie and herself will take it to the factory the next day. Rick refuses to be shushed: "It's called action! Doing something, ya know?" Oooh, working-class guys tell it like it is! Kathleen gives her default response: "Well, I say it's a stupid idea!" There's much glaring. Caitlin looks troubled, as is her wont.

That night, Arthur's at home listening to the radio. It's very dark. It's definitely night. He glumly empties the smashed vase onto his desk and picks up a bottle of glue. This will go well.

Cut to… earlier that afternoon. What the hell? Caitlin's sitting at her kitchen table with Susie. The sun is shining in the window. It's definitely daytime. "What do you think of Rick?" she asks. Susie reckons he's nice. "I think it's too bad people don't give him a break, though," says Caitlin. "Cause he's acting OK, don't you think? He was rude to Kathleen, but who could blame him?" It's a little too obvious that she's keeping score.

Susie snaps at this, and tells Caitlin to stop treating Rick like he's her experiment. Caitlin tries to deny it, but Susie insists she is. "Why don't you just admit you like him? There's nothing wrong with that, you know." Caitlin's fridge seems to have a bunch of Calvin and Hobbes cartoons stuck on the front. Wow, first Tina Turner and now this? It's like somebody who worked on this episode was actually vaguely aware of contemporary pop culture! Outrageous!

(Moreover, someone in the Ryan household has a sense of humour? Doubly outrageous!)

Caitlin insists that Rick isn't her type (if she's not careful, she'll start another round of lesbian rumours). "I'm just helping him, that's all," she lies like a lying thing. Susie doesn't believe her. Then they throw a paper towel at each other in an attempt to look light-hearted and playful.

Meanwhile, in the middle of the night (clearly they're making a brave stab at experimenting with non-linear narrative), Arthur's still trying to glue the vase together. It looks like crap. I mean, more so than before it got smashed. He gives up.

The following afternoon (I'm just guessing; really, who the hell knows at this point?), Caitlin and Susie and Rick are on their way to the factory. He is so cool and/or reckless and/or keen to get to the factory that he is mildly careless while attempting to cross the road; Caitlin puts her hand on his shoulder and shepherds him across. "Gritty" music plays (synth electric guitar AGAIN) while the kids gaze up at the factory. It is very big, as is usually the way with factories.

"Maybe we should just mail the petition," Caitlin meebles. Rick looks at her in disgust and stomps towards the factory. "Come on!" he yells when the girls are hesitant. Clearly he is keen to stick it to the man. Because he is working-class.

Also, I can't get over the boxiness of all the cars in the factory car park. Why did anyone ever think that was a good look?

Later, Rick and the girls are sitting in the factory's reception area. They're all wildly overacting in order to communicate that they've been there for a long time: lots of eye-rolling and watch-checking and ceiling-staring. Dial it down a bit, kids!

Some generically soulless office guy, who looks like David Miliband in giant novelty glasses, comes in and apologises for keeping them waiting. Thus rendering the elaborate "waiting" scene completely redundant.

Caitlin, who's wearing a truly horrible pink jumper that I think was handmade by a first-time knitter, tells the guy, "We're from Degrassi Junior High and we'd like your factories to stop polluting." Um… yeah, that sounds like a specific, achievable goal. Rick looks thoroughly unimpressed. The office guy smarms that they test their emissions regularly, and they're all within "the applicable Ministry guidelines".

Susie pipes up, "But the newspaper said that your tests were fake and that – " but the guy just talks over her: "Newspapers love good stories, but nothing has ever really been proven!" He doesn't quite finish with "Mwahahaha!", but it's heavily implied.

It's time for Rick to unleash his working-class rage on this guy. "Proof? This place stinks!" The guy insists that they've had no complaints. Rick stands up and shouts, "This is a complaint!" Tragically, he doesn't follow this up with a punch to the face, because that would have been really cool.

Caitlin looks mortified and tries yet again to shush Rick, but the men are talking now. "Are you the boss here?" Rick asks. The office guy stands up (towering over Rick, who might want to wait for puberty to really kick in before he starts his career as an agitator) and smirks, "The president's in a very important meeting right now, but if you'll kindly leave me your petition, I'll be sure that she gets it." Wait, the head of this evil corporation is a woman? Wow, we've really achieved equality with men now!

Rick says they'll wait, and sits down with his legs wide apart in an effort to appear manly and threatening. But again, he's about five foot tall, and fourteen years old, so the guy is not particularly threatened. "Thanks for dropping by!" he chirps. "It's really a pleasure to see young people like yourselves taking such an interest in the community." And off he goes, presumably to torture small woodland animals. Caitlin and Susie look politely befuddled, while Rick looks one minor annoyance away from turning into the Incredible Hulk.

As the gritty music blares again, the kids walk away from the factory. "You didn't have to be so rude," Caitlin admonishes Rick. "He was the one who was rude!" Rick retorts.

"He is going to show it to the president," says Caitlin, and hopefully by "it" she means the petition. Rick cannot believe how gullible she is. "Why not?" asks Caitlin. "He seemed honest." "And very friendly," adds Susie. "Gimme a break!" exclaims Rick. "He doesn't care what we think! What a jerk!" And then he storms off.

"At least we tried!" Caitlin calls out. "Big deal!" Rick yells. And then he kicks a can that was lying on the ground, because he is just that angry. Go Rick! Working-class guys tell it like it is! The gritty music plays once more, as Caitlin watches Rick and reflects on the apparent failure of her latest project.

Seriously, though, those girls are really stupid.

A little later, Kathleen and Melanie are coming out of the De Grassi Grocery just as Rick walks by, lighting a cigarette. "Stupid factory," he mutters to himself. Kathleen watches him smoking for a minute, then looks smugly delighted.

It's the next day, and Kathleen is calling yet another meeting to order. Wow, these kids really like holding meetings. Trish starts up with the agenda, and the committee name is the first item on the list, as always. Yawn. Kathleen butts in and says that they have something more important to talk about: whether Rick should be on the committee any more. "What?" says Caitlin, full of righteous indignation. She can turn it on and off like a switch.

"I saw him smoking a cigarette," explains Kathleen. "Really?" says everyone. Considering how bad Rick is at hiding his habit, I don't know why everyone is so surprised. "Isn't it kind of hypocritical to be a smoker and on the Environmental Action Committee?" asks Kathleen. Look, I hate smoking, but her argument doesn't make any damn sense.

Caitlin is looking at Rick like she just heard he's been engaging in trade with apartheid South Africa. "Rick?" she asks in horror. "So I had a smoke! So what?" Rick protests. "I wasn't hurting anyone." "That's what he thinks," says a random voice. Caitlin sinks back into her seat, looking utterly crushed.

"It's the principle!" says Kathleen. "We can't have a polluter on an anti-pollution committee! Rick has to go." At this, Rick jumps up, all full of rage again. "What a bunk of jerks!" he yells, although last time I checked, Kathleen was just one jerk. "Call yourself action committee? What action? All you ever do is talk! Who needs this garbage?" As opposed to some other, more needed, garbage. Trish dutifully writes down what he's saying; never let it be said that she is not a devoted club secretary. Rick storms out, thumping all the lockers out in the corridor, because he's just! That! Angry!

Back in the club room, Kathleen tells Caitlin to face the fact that she made a mistake and can't be perfect all the time. Then they go back to debating the club's name. Caitlin, yet again, looks tormented, and there's more gritty music.

Afterwards, everyone's heading out for lunch, and they pass Rick in the corridor. Kathleen turns up her nose, and Susie gives him that awkward smile people give you when they want to tell you, as politely as possible, to fuck off and never bother them again. Last of all is Caitlin. "What a bunch of do-gooders, eh?" says Rick. Caitlin tells him to get away from her. "You made me look dumb! I stood up for you! They said you were stupid and I said you weren't! But they were right. And after I tried to help you and everything!" Ouch.

"Help me?" asks Rick. "What am I, your project or something? Anyways, I helped you! I thought up the announcements, I went to the factory, I made you go in. So I'm not rich like you, so I don't do too good in school – that doesn't make me a charity case." Caitlin listens with growing horror, and by the end is so beaten down that she doesn't even think to tell Rick that he doesn't do too well in school, not "too good".

On his way out the door, Rick turns to deliver the death blow: he only joined the committee because he liked Caitlin, not because he wanted help. The theme tune plays, very slowly, so you know it's a very sad moment. You've screwed up badly, Caitlin. And you only get one chance with Rick Monroe.

Oh hey, the subplot! Yick's rummaging through a pile of locker crap, as usual. Arthur appears, and reluctantly shuffles over to talk to him. Yick demands his vase, and Arthur tentatively shows him the crappily glued wreckage. Yick gets mad because he won't have anything to show when he talks to the class. "Just tell them how you and your family got here," says Arthur. "It's a great story, and it really happened!" Yick storms off, to inappropriately perky music.

By the next scene, however, he's completely come around to the idea somehow. He gives his speech to the other kids about how his family were at sea for more than a month, dodging pirates and so on, and how he doesn't have anything to show because they couldn't bring anything with them. Everyone's all moved, and applauds him, and Susie's NASA emblem has been well and truly one-upped, and Ms Avery even puts her hand on his shoulder.

But Rick doesn't care, because he's got problems of his own. He angsts off downstairs, watched by Kathleen and Caitlin (who's wearing a headband again; headbands will soon become as much a part of her character as meddling and middle-class guilt). "Our community just wasn't appropriate for someone like Rick," says Kathleen, then announces she's thought of a new name: "The Degrassi Junior High Anti-Pollution and Pro-Environmental Action Committee". Caitlin turns around and calls Kathleen a jerk. I'm pretty sure the script then called for her to storm off down the stairs, but instead she just kind of meanders slowly down, pausing here and there for a glance around, and the scene trails off. Nice.

Back in the classroom, everyone's just about finished fangirling Yick. Once the others are gone, Arthur comes over and hands him some money, and promises to give him his pocket money forever, then get a job and give him his salary until the vase is paid for. Yick hesitates, then gives Arthur the money back, and admits that he bought the vase and "it's not a family hair-loom or anything". I can't tell if that's a deliberate joke or if nobody bothered to tell the poor kid how to pronounce "heirloom".

Anyway, they yell at each other for lying, then smile and go off to be stupid somewhere else, where I don't have to watch them.

After school, Caitlin comes over to Rick at the bike racks. He asks her what she wants, and she apologises for being spectacularly patronising, then tells him that smoking is really stupid. Plus ça change. Rick just gives his standard brush-off response: "Yah, yah." So… I guess he'll just keep smoking, then.

After a pause, Caitlin also admits that he was right about the evil factory guy not listening to them, then angsts about how she wishes there was something they could do. Rick suggests telling the paper about what happened, in order to stir up some publicity. Which just might work, if there's a reeeeeally slow news day any time soon.

Caitlin grabs Rick and gives him a platonic kiss, so far from his mouth that it's practically on the back of his head. "You're brilliant!" she exclaims. Rick looks theatrically around, and then shushes her. "I have a reputation," he says. Awww.

And yet again, the closing credits play over an unbelievably unflattering still of one of the Degrassi kids. Sadly, it seems smoking has already ravaged Rick's teeth. Shane would be delighted.

Dubious lessons of the week: Class-based rage and abuse-based trauma are best channelled into low-level environmental activism. Smoking is totally bad for you, had you heard? Horrible childhood experiences of persecution and displacement make really good anecdotes afterwards, so there's always that.

S01 E06 – Rumor Has It

We start with a closeup of some flowers. Flowers, incidentally, are often used as a symbol for female sexuality, and I'm just throwing that out there. I think they're trying to be highbrow. The camera pans out, and we're in Ms Avery's classroom. She's pacing at the front of the (flower-filled) room. Her very long hair is loose and flowing. "Throughout history," she feminists, "a lot of our heroines have been lost or left unrecorded, due largely to the fact that most historians are men." She's speaking in a bizarrely low, seductive voice.

The kids are sitting in semi-darkness, and everyone's wearing matching bluey-grey shirts, except for Caitlin, who's wearing bright orange. She leans over and tells an uninterested Susie, "Ms Avery's the best teacher I've ever had. She makes stuff so interesting." Well, when you do all your teaching in that voice, it's bound to spice things up a little.

Ms Avery is still monologuing sexily about "…Amelia Earhart, Madame Curie, Mary Queen of Scots…" Wait, Mary Queen of Scots? I don't really know that being imprisoned for, like, forever, and then getting beheaded, makes you a good feminist role model. Anyway, Ms Avery suddenly turns to Caitlin and asks her to come to the front of the class. Caitlin eagerly goes up to the front, and Ms Avery sits down and puts her arm around Caitlin's waist. "That essay you wrote on native peoples was just excellent," she purrs. "You're the best student I ever had." Mid-praise, she stares briefly at Caitlin's chest.

"Miss Avery's gay, you know," announces Kathleen, who's way too conservative to ever use the word "Ms", even in other people's dreams. "She's a lesbian." "Never mind what they say – we don't care what they think," says Ms Avery. And checks out Caitlin's chest again. She continues to stare lovingly up at Caitlin, but Caitlin's staring at the rest of the class, who are all whispering things like "Ms Avery's gay. She's a lesbian. I heard the rumours." Ominous music builds to a crescendo and…

Cut to Caitlin in bed at night, waking in a sweaty panic from the most bizarre left-wing erotic dream ever.

And the opening credits provide us with a nice little break in which to recover partially from that bit of insanity.

Morning outside the school. Caitlin and Susie are planning a sleepover which, thrillingly, will not be supervised by Caitlin's parents but only by her brother, "Patrick". Jeez, we get it already. They're Irish. But I'm guessing second-generation, as a bona-fide immigrant parent like Voula's dad would never allow something so debauched as a four-girl sleepover to take place under his roof. Rick goes by on his bike and says hello to Caitlin, who says hi back. Susie teases her for having a crush on him (conveniently forgetting her role in the egregious making-Rick-smile plot from two episodes ago). They go into the building, passing Kathleen and her new BFF, the beret-wearing beatnik feminist from Episode 1, who's apparently called Annie. This is obviously a friendship that's doomed to fail.

Ms Avery is just getting out of a car driven by some sunglasses-wearing woman, as the girls watch. "I wonder if it's true that Miss Avery's a lesbian," says Kathleen conversationally. "Come on, that's just a rumour!" says Annie. Kathleen has conclusive proof, though: "I've never seen her with any men." Yeah, case closed.

We get a brief look at Ms Avery's carpool buddy, who is the only person in this entire series who's in any way glamorous. I mean, by the standards of the time. Which isn't saying much. But she has big sunglasses and big earrings and a power-dresser's hairdo. Ms Avery goes past Kathleen and Annie and gives them a friendly hello, but Kathleen just gives her an icy grin, like she doesn't waste her valuable friendship on people who might or might not be gay. In which case, gay is the way to go.

In the darkroom, Susie and Caitlin are doing whatever it is you do in darkrooms. "I've been having some really strange dreams lately," says Caitlin to break the ice. Susie's response is perhaps less than helpful: "Dreams are supposed to be very significant. Supposed to reveal your inner desires and stuff." Caitlin looks terrified. Susie asks to hear about these dreams, "as long as they're not too dirty". How about batshit insane and full of half-assed surrealistic touches? And touching?

Caitlin's being cagey, so Susie pulls a convenient photo of a smiling, post-rescue-by-a-starfish-headed-social-worker Rick, and posits that Caitlin's been dreaming about him. When Caitlin says no, Susie tells her that she doesn't have to be scared of boys. It's impossible to overstate the extent to which this is not the issue... Luckily, the situation is defused when Susie suggests inviting boys to the sleepover, Caitlin points out that Kathleen would freak out, and they bond by mocking Kathleen and her sexual inhibitions. Good times.

Later, Arthur and Yick are giving a presentation on burglar-proofing or Neighbourhood Watch or something. They're using an overhead projector. Ha! Yick accidentally puts one of the transparencies (I actually had to look the word up) on the projector backwards and upside down. Hilarious! Yick inwardly resolves to invent Powerpoint so nobody will ever have to suffer this kind of shame again. Everyone giggles, even Ms Avery because she's a man-hating lesbian liberal who loves seeing boys fail. And speaking of being a liberal, she's wearing yet more Native American beadwork (in red, white and blue, which seems like a bit of Canada-betrayal, but it's not for me to judge).

After the terrible presentation has ground to a halt, Ms Avery thanks the guys and announces that next week Susie and Caitlin will be giving a photo presentation on everyday life at Degrassi, in order to provide an excuse for all the photography and awkward darkroom shenanigans in this episode.

Just then, the bell goes, and everyone gets up to leave. A lot of kids have questions for Ms Avery, and we see her chatting to them, and putting her hands on their shoulders in a conversational way. Meanwhile, Caitlin, Susie, Kathleen and Annie get together to squee about the upcoming sleepover. Annie's excited that they get to talk about boys all night; Kathleen, whose knee-jerk response to anything anyone says is to judge, calls her a pervert. Annie, blithely unaware of the anvilicious irony of her words, insists, "It's perfectly normal to think about boys! What else is there to think about?" Wow, her feminist phase didn't last very long, did it?

Just as the girls go to leave the room, Ms Avery calls back Caitlin and Susie to ask how their photos are coming along. And then she puts her hand on Caitlin's shoulder (not noticing Caitlin's look of terror) and says the words that we all know are code for lesbian lusting: "That essay you wrote on native peoples was just excellent." Caitlin is understandably perturbed that her bizarre sexy dream is coming true; Susie, unhelpful as always, captures the moment on camera.

Mr Raditch breaks up this love-in by asking to speak to Ms Avery, and she runs out to talk to him. Caitlin looks mightily freaked out, maybe because of the weird music playing in the background; it sounds like it was recycled from a '70s movie about Chinese gangsters. As she walks away past Raditch and Avery, we hear him say, "Did you hear what the rumour mill says about [something something something]?' Oh hey, I wonder if the theme of this episode might be rumours?

Annie is watching the teachers from a distance, and says (way too loudly), "Wouldn't it be romaaaantic if they were having an affair?" Kathleen reminds her that "Lezzies aren't interested in men".

At this point, Melanie butts in: "Who says she's a lesbian?" Kathleen reiterates the "never seen her with any men" line of conclusive gay proof, but Annie points out that Ms Avery is looking pretty enthralled at whatever (presumably moustache-related) anecdote Mr Raditch is regaling her with. But Kathleen is refusing to let this go, and insists that the teachers are just friends because they work together, and only an idiot would concoct rumours about someone based on such flimsy evidence, Annie. And since Mr Raditch and Ms Avery are the only teachers in this school apart from the rarely-glimpsed PE teacher, you can't really blame them for forming a close bond.

"What's wrong with being homosexual anyway?" asks Melanie, and I think it says a lot about the other characters that Melanie – who I love, but who is tremendously daft – is the voice of reason here. The girls just giggle, presumably because she said "sex". "Are you a lezzie too?" asks the ever-sensitive Kathleen. "No," says Melanie, "but I'm not prejudiced either." The others roll their eyes at her liberal ways, and go off somewhere else to be homophobic in peace.

Meanwhile, in the subplot, Yick opens his locker and a giant cascade of papers falls out. I thought he promised Mr Raditch he'd try not to be so disorganised? Does this backsliding mean Mr Raditch can bully him again? Arthur is rambling about how doing the project on Neighbourhood Watch was very "stimulating", and I wish he'd stop using that word. He announces his intention to become some kind of crimefighter, while Yick rummages through the mountains of crap in his locker with mounting panic. Yick starts freaking out because he had $20 in his locker and now it's gone. Arthur decides that there's a thief in the school.

Just then, the background music gets real ominous, and Rick walks by in all his working-class glory. The boys give him a filthy look. Jeez, is it Prejudice Week at Degrassi Junior High?

Some time later, Caitlin's thrillingly semi-unsupervised sleepover is in progress. The girls are laughing hysterically for no reason, as teenage girls are wont to do. Annie's making a prank call to Mr Raditch's house – but the phone is answered by "some lady". The girls wig out over the idea of Raditch having a girlfriend, and Caitlin suggests that he could be married. Kathleen says that he doesn't wear a ring, and she knows because she checked, which brings up the ghastly spectre of Kathleen having a crush on him. Caitlin points out that lots of married people don't wear rings, and for some reason she sounds really offended by what Kathleen said.

Before this can degenerate into fisticuffs, they're interrupted by Annie talking on the phone. For some reason, she seems to be trying to fake a man's voice. (The prank call, for what it's worth, consists of "Hello, is this Mr Raditch on the line? Then you'd better get off, there's a train coming!" This sends the girls into New-Zealand-Zapper-grade shrieks of hilarity.)

Next it's Caitlin's turn. She draws a name out of a policeman's hat for some reason, and I wonder who else was in there, because, as previously mentioned, there are only three teachers at Degrassi. Believe it or not, Caitlin's drawn Ms Avery, and she gets all uncomfortable at the idea of prank-calling her. But Kathleen goads her into it by accusing her of being Ms Avery's pet. Stirrer.

While Caitlin dials, Annie comments on her still sleeping with a teddy bear, and Caitlin lies and says she doesn't sleep with him, she just doesn't want to throw him away. I'm not sure what the point of this bit of dialogue actually is. Her whole bedroom décor is pretty childish, which I guess is meant to underscore the tension inherent in her troubling sexual awakening and impending irritating political activism. Or I might be overthinking this a little.

Anyway, Caitlin gets through, and asks for Ms Avery, but she's not home. Yet more giggling. Susie asks who answered the phone, and Caitlin says it was "some lady". Wow, some lady sure gets around! Kathleen immediately decides that "some lady" is in fact Ms Avery's "lover", and I'm very surprised at her use of such romantic terminology, rather than "hell-bound partner in sin" or suchlike. Caitlin gets pissed off and insists that Ms Avery isn't a lesbian, but Kathleen runs through the evidence again: "She's not married, and she's always with that woman." What a fine investigative mind.

Caitlin insists they're just friends, and Kathleen drops the bombshell that she saw Ms Avery and her buddy holding hands on "King Street" (which does exist; perfunctory consultation of Wikipedia gives no mention of a thriving lesbian scene, but reveals that King Street is known for swanky restaurants and luxury furniture. Your fact for the day). Also, they were "talking in each other's ears", which seems like the most appropriate place to talk into, and I don't know why Kathleen finds it so hilarious. Caitlin looks unutterably disgusted.

Monday morning. Kathleen and Annie are having a (presumably homophobic) confab in front of the school. Ms Avery and her glam gal pal pull up at the kerb, and Ms Avery gives her friend a kiss on the cheek before getting out. Kathleen and Annie gape in astonishment as Ms Avery walks by, all lesbian-like. Kathleen whispers, "That must have been her girlfriend!"

Did somebody say "subplot"? Arthur's sourced a huge magnifying glass and a tin of fingerprint powder. Bah – my sources say you can just use talcum powder, and my sources are infallible! Yick is dusting the powder all over his locker with what looks like a big makeup brush; the door is covered in handprints. Yick points out that this is no use if they don't know who the fingerprints belong to. Arthur decides that they need to find a "prime suspect" to scapegoat, and that they should look for someone behaving unusually.

Right on cue, Rick walks in with a big paper bag, and in the background we hear him offering liquorice to randomers and explaining that he won a hundred dollars in the lottery. And I'll just give you a minute to digest the awesomeness of this guy: despite his poverty-strickenness, he blew his winnings on enough liquorice for the whole school. He's adorable.

In Ms Avery's classroom, Kathleen and Annie are still freaking out over the Great Lesbian Kiss. "It was disgusting!" says Kathleen. "They almost kissed on the lips and everything!" hisses Annie. Melanie is unimpressed.

Rick walks in and gives liquorice to Caitlin and Susie (though mostly to Caitlin), and it seems that living with your biker brother can cure all ills: his skin's cleared up a treat since he got away from his Bad Dad. Caitlin and Susie squee over his awesomeness. They're both wearing pretty bad outfits, by the way: Caitlin's got a sleeveless sweatshirt with a zebra print in shades of green, and Susie's wearing a sweatshirt with a giant houndstooth print, and suspenders over that. It's made of wrong.

Kathleen calls the girls over to tell them about "the Kiss", even though Melanie insists it was just a "pack", by which I think she means "peck", and maintains that "lots of women do that". But Kathleen and Annie are way too caught up in this lesbian witch-hunt to listen to reason. Caitlin says that the others will look stupid when it turns out Ms Avery has a boyfriend, which Kathleen points out she has no evidence for, but Caitlin's all, "Absence of evidence is no evidence of absence, bitch" and Kathleen gives her a filthy look.

Just then, everyone's favourite lesbian liberal walks in, and everyone sits down at their desks. Kathleen then puts up her hand and asks "Miss" Avery if she has a boyfriend. Ms Avery gives her a funny look for a second, and replies, "Hundreds. But I don't know what business that is of yours." OMG Ms Avery's a skank! She admitted it! Everybody laughs, but the Lesbian Investigation Committee knows they've been fobbed off, and for various reasons, none of them is amused.

Just as Ms Avery is about to start the class, Rick goes up and gives her some liquorice. Awwww. As he returns to his seat, Yick and Arthur give him suspicious looks.

After class, Rick's getting stuff out of his locker while Yick and Arthur besmirch his character a short distance away. Arthur's idea of proof is "Nobody wins only a hundred bucks!" He should go into business with Kathleen. There's also some discussion of a rumour that Rick previously got caught shoplifting various items up to and including a radio, and Arthur decides that they're "dealing with a criminal". In the midst of this, Rick realises he's being watched, but does his best to ignore it.

Later, in the darkroom, Susie is developing the photo of Ms Avery with her hand on Caitlin's shoulder. A propos of nothing, she muses, "I wonder what lezzies do exactly, if they really kiss? Like on the lips and everything? Yuck." Oh dear. Caitlin snaps that she doesn't know why everyone's decided Ms Avery's a lesbian, and how would Susie like it if people started saying stuff about her? Susie gets a bit weirded out, but doesn't know when to quit, and points out that Ms Avery "sure does like to touch people", brandishing the photo as evidence.

Caitlin gets increasingly annoyed, and Susie says, "You're acting weird about this. It's not as if they're saying you're a lezzie. Right?" Yes, because witch-hunts are fine and dandy as long as you're not the direct target. Caitlin looks profoundly uncomfortable. "Right," she mutters. Closeup on the photo, wavering menacingly in the dish of chemicals.

Aaand, we have another dream sequence! Everyone's back in the flower-filled classroom, zombieishly turning the pages of their textbooks in perfect unison. The room is in semi-darkness except for a spotlight on Caitlin. Again, Ms Avery calls Caitlin up to the front, and puts her arm around her (and a hand on her stomach), and seductively praises her essay on native peoples. Aw, we didn't get another discussion of questionable feminist role models?

But this time, Kathleen announces, "Caitlin's gay, you know. She's a lesbian." The class starts to get worked up, repeating, "She's gay! She's a lesbian! She's a homosexual!" We get creepy close-ups of the kids' mouths talking. After a minute, everyone starts pointing and chanting in unison: "LESBIAN! LESBIAN! LESBIAN!" Caitlin not very strenuously denies this. Eventually, she wakes up. Commercial break.

The following morning, Caitlin and Susie are arriving at school just as Ms Avery pulls up with her mysterious lady friend. They kiss on the cheek again, and both girls look profoundly uncomfortable, but are at least classy enough not to freak out like Kathleen and Annie did. Ms Avery gets out of the car and calls to Caitlin, and Susie (not wanting to catch the gay) instantly pulls a disappearing act. Ms Avery puts her arm around Caitlin's shoulder, and gives her an article from yesterday's paper about native peoples, and mentions that she's ordered a library book for her on the subject. Meanwhile, Kathleeen and Annie are watching them talk, and they look pretty damn scandalised. Annie's wearing a metallic waistcoat and a bizarre little shiny blue hat that is somewhere between sailor and air hostess in style. She should probably stick with the berets.

Meanwhile, in the hallways, Yick and Arthur are spying on Rick. Yick wonders if Rick will steal again, but Arthur insists, "Once a criminal, always a criminal," which seems pretty hardline. Yet again, Rick notices he's being watched.

In the classroom, Kathleen and Annie are busy fomenting. Susie is sceptical about Caitlin being a lesbian, but Kathleen and Annie provide yet another list of conclusive proof: she always hangs around Ms Avery, they're "always touching each other", Caitlin is embarrassed about getting changed in gym and hides behind a towel – wait, what? That makes no fucking sense! What the hell? Also, Caitlin has been acting "strange" since they "figured out" about Ms Avery, and is always "defending" her. At this point Melanie leans over and asks, "What difference does it make anyway, even if she is a lesbian?" Oh, Melanie, you and your sensible modern ways have no place in this increasingly hysterical discussion. Susie freaks out and yells, "She's not a lesbian, she's my friend!" …oh dear. Melanie can see she's not getting anywhere, and gives up.

"All I know is, I wouldn't want to hang around with her in a darkroom if I were you," says Kathleen to Susie. "She might try to do something." Oh no, not something! "And don't blame us when people start talking about you, too." Yep, you'll be gay by association. Just then, Caitlin walks in and sits down, and Susie stares at her in fear, like she might try to do something then and there.

After class, Rick's still giving out liquorice, because he's awesome, and Yick and Arthur are still tailing him. Susie is trying to get away from Caitlin and says they don't need to work in the darkroom today. But since she's really bad at fabricating excuses, she fails in her attempt to weasel out of it.

Distributing liquorice as he goes, Rick goes into the boys' bathroom, still followed by Arthur and Yick. Meanwhile, there's an announcement on the PA to say that "Notices and posters must first be cleared with the principal's office. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule, including the 'No posters here notice' and the 'No notices to be posted here' poster". This show is messed up.

Rick goes to a urinal and starts peeing, but after a minute notices Arthur and Yick staring at him. They duck into two cubicles, but in a second Rick looks over his shoulder and sees them watching him over the tops of the doors. Lucky Kathleen isn't here, or she'd start a whole new round of rumours. Rick just finishes at the urinal, then tosses each guy a piece of liquorice over the cubicle door. It'd be a slightly more awesome gesture if he'd washed his hands first.

Later, in the darkroom, Susie's uttering a stream of nervous chatter about how great the photos are, and Degrassi is really interesting, and her parents nearly sent her to private school but didn't because it was too expensive, and these sure are great pictures, and please don't do something! Caitlin eventually asks her what's going on, and Susie insists she's just excited about the pictures, which, by the way, are not exciting.

Just then, Caitlin leans over to hang up a picture, and Susie jumps back with a loud gasp. Caitlin asks what's wrong, and Susie asks, "You're not a lesbian, are you? Some people say you are, and I say you're not. You're not, are you?" It's pretty clear that there's only one acceptable answer here, and after a second Caitlin storms off, leaving the door open behind her. Which I assume would destroy all the photos, right? Trust me, it's not a great loss.

That night, Caitlin's in bed with her teddy bear (liar! liar!), and because the writers couldn't think of any better way to communicate her inner turmoil, she monologues at him. "What do I do? I can't help those dreams. Supposing I am a lesbian, does that mean I won't have any friends? Will everyone talk and whisper behind my back?" Well, Kathleen will, but she'll find an excuse to do that about pretty much everyone. "Will they all hate me? Even Susie? I really like Ms Avery. Is that wrong? I just don't want to be different." The teddy bear, alas, has no words of comfort. And the ominous high-pitched synth music is distinctly non-comforting as well.

Next morning in class, Caitlin looks tortured. The scary music is still going on, as Ms Avery goes around the room handing out essays and putting her hands on everyone's shoulders. She really does like to touch people. She also seems to like wearing ankle-length baby-blue shirtdresses at least two sizes too big for her, cinched with pink diamante belts, but whatever. When she gets to Caitlin, though, Caitlin flinches back and snaps, "Don't touch me." Awkward. Kathleen gives her a poisonous glare, because there is simply no pleasing Kathleen, and she seems even more disgusted by Caitlin's rebuffing of Ms Avery than she was by her alleged lesbianism. Ms Avery collects herself, and goes back to her desk without giving anyone else their essay.

Conveniently, the bell goes, and Ms Avery immediately asks Caitlin to stay behind. I'm not a teacher or anything, but I'm guessing that if a pupil recoils in terror at your touch, insisting they stay alone in your classroom with you after class is not exactly best practice. Caitlin looks miserable. As the rest of the class leaves, Kathleen whispers to Annie, "I told you she was a lesbian!" Yick and Arthur are tailing Rick again, and Rick's starting to look pretty pissed off.

Once everyone else is gone, Ms Avery shuts the door and asks Caitlin what's going on. In a breathy whisper. She then sits up on one of the desks, and in doing so thrusts her hips forward in a way that… really looks like she's trying to be seductive. But I'm pretty sure it's just clumsy direction. Caitlin gives the most non-specific answer possible: "People are saying stuff." You… you don't say, Caitlin.

Eventually, Caitlin specifies that the "stuff" consists of rumours that Ms Avery's a lesbian, and Ms Avery is like, "Huh." Caitlin then runs through the oh-so-conclusive catalogue of gay proof: "You're not married. You're always with that woman. My friend said she saw you holding hands on King Street. I saw you kiss her." Ms Avery counters with: "So, all single people are gay? We live together because it's cheaper. Your friend has a very vivid imagination. I kiss most of my women friends." Which could all be taken to mean that Ms Avery is a sarcastic, thrifty, promiscuous lesbian, but Caitlin is apparently less cynical than I am.

Hey, I'm sure you're all dying to know how Arthur and Yick are getting on! No? Too bad. They're hiding out at the bottom of the stairwell, and when Rick goes up the stairs they try to sneak after him. But he immediately turns around, and grabs them by the collars. They are too scared and/or geeky to struggle. Rick demands an explanation for the whole stalking thing, and the others hesitantly, nervously accuse him of theft. Rick calls them crazy, and Yick breaks out his own line of conclusive proof: "Right after the money disappeared, you bought a new T-shirt and a ton of liquorice." Which is really the stupidest evidence ever offered for anything.

Arthur also mentions all the rumours about Rick, but just as Rick is berating them for believing everything they hear, and they're almost at risk of learning a worthwhile lesson, Mr Raditch appears in his Undercover Agent in Panama Suit. He clears his throat menacingly, and Rick lets go of the others. Raditch paces past them, delivering a hearty dose of Raditch Stinkeye all round, and the moment is over. But Rick still orders the guys never to stalk him again, which is an entirely legitimate demand.

Caitlin and Ms Avery are leaving the classroom (which is apparently the geography room, although all Ms Avery seems to teach is liberal values and flower-arranging). "Any other rumours?" asks Ms Avery. "They say I'm gay too," says Caitlin casually. "I've been having dreams that… aren't quite normal?" I think it's probably for the best that she doesn't go into detail about the low-budget surrealism and liberal bias in these dreams. Ms Avery lectures her about how sexual dreams are normal, blah blah blah, and the upshot is, Caitlin totally isn't a lesbian. Phew!

Back at Yick's Disorganized Locker of Disorganizedness, Yick is grudgingly suggesting that maybe Rick isn't a total shameless criminal mastermind. "But he's our only suspect!" protests Arthur, who has a bright future in some very corrupt police force. As Arthur continues his litany of reasons why they should send Rick down for this ("we're out of fingerprint powder" being chief among them), Yick digs through the pile of locker crap… and finds the missing money. "You broomhead!" yells an increasingly volatile Arthur. "You almost got me killed!" The boys start throttling each other, and walk out the door still arguing, and also leaving Yick's locker wide open.

So they clearly learned nothing whatsoever here, neither about not listening to rumours nor about looking after one's property. But then, learning nothing whatsoever is kind of a theme in this show.

Caitlin and Ms Avery walk out the school door, and see Mr Raditch waiting in his car. He honks and waves at Ms Avery. "Mr Raditch?" squees Caitlin. Ms Avery, oddly, is not that interested in discussing her possible alleged potential love-life with some random kid who's already asked more than enough personal questions for one day, even if said kid does write excellent essays on native peoples.

Caitlin takes the fobbing-off pretty well, and then announces, "I think you're a really good teacher, and I'm sorry I thought you were gay." Ms Avery says, "There's nothing to be sorry for. Besides, would it make any difference if I were? Would you think less of me?"

Caitlin ponders for a bit, then shakes her head, and the credits roll.

And Ms Avery's glam housemate? Is listed in the credits as "girlfriend". So I think we have an answer on that front.

So, we all learned a lot in this episode. Let's run through the main points, shall we?

Dubious lessons of the week: If you think you might be gay, don't be upset! You're actually straight, and so is everyone you know. Or so they'll tell you. On the other hand, if you're a homophobic bully, congratulations! This is not a stance you'll ever be expected to question seriously. Meanwhile, if you're considering a career in law enforcement, try not to pin all crimes on the nearest working-class person for lack of another suspect: some of these people are muscular, and can beat you up, so make sure you pick on the skinny ones.

Where would we be without Degrassi to teach us these things?