S02 E02– A Helping Hand…

Morning. Joey, Snake, and Wheels come into the classroom, wearing their ultra-stylish handmade Zit Remedy sweatshirts. Joey is babbling about someone who works for "a real record company" (not like those fake record companies you hear so much about) and wants to hear their "music". Snake asks, "What's he going to say when he finds out we've only got two songs?" Two songs? They should be so lucky! They've only got two lines of a song, and neither one is very good.

Just then, Lucy runs in and says she has an announcement. This is the third time she's done this. I think she just likes the attention. She tells them that Mr Raditch is in the hospital, having his appendix taken oot, and everyone looks unrealistically concerned and serious. I'm sorry, but mobs of 14-year-olds are just not that caring. "Is he gonna be ok?" asks Joey anxiously. "Doris thinks so!" says Lucy brightly, because the school secretary is also a medical expert. "But in the meantime, we get a substitute teacher."

Everyone erupts in cheers and high-fives. They really don't have much to keep them entertained in Canada. "Remember that old bag who couldn't figure out when we changed our names?" says Snake. "And the one before," says Erica, "he was so nervous he blushed every time a girl even got near him!" Yeah, they're gonna wish that guy was back. Lucy says that substitute teachers are "just fossils and losers who can't get a real job".

Just then, their substitute teacher walks in. He is about 35 and extremely plain, and he's wearing a bad knitted jumper that's bright blue with random white scribbles on it. He seems to have also recently shaved off a beard, because the lower half of his face is really pale while the upper half has a deep orange tan. Oh, and his hair is conical. "Hi," he says in a relaxation-tape voice. "I'm Mr Colby. I'll be your teacher for the next while." Opening credits.

Some unspecified number of days later, Mr Colby is handing back people's essays. Spike's work is improving. Steph's was good, but badly spelled. Joey's story about the Zit Remedy's world tour was "highly entertaining", but the assignment was to write a true story. "It's gonna be true!" Joey mutters. Mr. Colby just laughs at him. Well yeah, it's what we're all thinking, but still… harsh, man.

When he gets to Lucy, Mr Colby sits down on an adjacent desk and puts his hand on her shoulder. "Excellent paper," he tells her. Was her paper on native peoples by any chance?

Anyway, the bell goes and everyone gets up to leave. BLT comes over to LD and asks her if she wants to play baseball, but she looks sad and says, "No. Maybe next week." …Ok, then.

"I never got an A+ before!" says Lucy. "I thought you didn't care about marks," says… Erica? Sure, why not. "I don't – they're fascist," says Lucy. "But it's nice to get a good one sometimes." I don't know which part of that statement is more annoying: the generic desultory teenage rebellion and violation of Godwin's Law, or the fact that she gives up on her principles the minute a cone-headed substitute teacher gives her a good mark.

Speaking of which: the twins start teasing Lucy for supposedly being Mr Colby's pet. And, bafflingly, they're jealous: "He's only THE sexiest man at Degrassi!" sighs Heather. Yeah, but the only other man there at the moment is Mr Lawrence, who's an incorporeal spirit and thus doesn't represent much competition. "I wish I was his pet!" Erica says.

So, clearly we have entered some kind of Bizarro World of sexuality, wherein pyramid-hair, two-toned faces and bad knitwear are the stuff of teenage girls' dreams. WTF, Degrassi?

Lucy says she likes older men because all the boys at Degrassi are immature. Speaking of which, Alexa (today wearing a miniskirt and a velvet bustier, always a nice casual look for daytime) leaves the classroom, followed by Simon, who's staring at her rather… hungrily. They're followed at an indiscreet distance by Steph, who rolls her eyes and announces, "It's the clothes. I know it's the clothes. Simon never would have noticed Alexa if she wasn't wearing my clothes."

She bitches over this some more, until they're distracted by Mr Colby telling them goodnight, even though it's clearly about three o'clock. "Now that Mr Colby's here, there's a real man around!" Heather swoons. They speculate on whether he's married, and whether they care. I'm sure this will end well.

The Zit Remedy guys are rehearsing their only song. They've accessorised Joey's keyboard with a big poster that reads "ZIT REMEDY TOURS DJH: Be there!!" Can you really "tour" a single building? Simon and Alexa are, for some reason, completely enraptured. "I love them," says Simon. "I know, they're fantastic!" Alexa whispers back. And then they applaud, and they're not being sarcastic or anything.

And then it's arbitrarily time for them to go off somewhere, so Alexa grabs Simon's hand and drags him away, even though he would rather stand and stare wistfully at the guys. That's really not something you should ignore, Alexa. "I don't trust that Simon guy," says Joey. Apparently they don't take to outsiders in Toronto.

Anyway, Snake wants to play the song again, but Wheels says he has to go see Ms Avery for some extra tutoring. The others take this incredibly personally: "Don't you get enough school already?" asks Joey, looking thisclose to decking Wheels. Ugh, I hate it when my friends try to better themselves! Wheels says his parents are mad at him aboot his marks, and he has no choice. When he's gone, the others bitch about how they'll never "cut an album" if he keeps doing this. Yep, Wheels's education is the only obstacle between them and fame.

There's a ridiculously overlong shot of Wheels walking to Ms Avery's classroom, where she's telling Rick what a good job he's been doing. Yay Rick! She is also wearing a khaki ankle-length shirtdress that looks like some kind of military eveningwear.

Rick leaves, Wheels sits down, and Ms Avery asks him if he's made "that eye appointment" yet. She asks this in an extremely coquettish tone of voice, with a bashful grin. Wheels says he made the appointment but doesn't think he needs glasses. "Sometimes headaches and eye problems go hand in hand," says Ms Avery, batting her eyelids. I'll give her this, she can make the most unlikely dialogue sound like a chat-up line.

She then says that he should come to her after school every afternoon for tutoring. "I can't!" he exclaims. "That's when my band practises." She puts her hand on his and says that his parents think he should give up the band until his marks improve (and, furthermore, that they were too cowardly to tell him this themselves). He insists that he can do both. "You're in very real danger of losing your year," she tells him, and then takes his hand again. "You don't want that, do you?" Wheels looks awkward (I don't blame him) and shakes his head.

Ok, so… I know we already had a whole thing about how if Ms Avery touches you it doesn't mean anything because she's like that with everyone, but given the theme of this episode, that scene is just… uncomfortable.

In the bathroom, LD is resentfully brushing her hair. Lucy comes in, and LD asks her advice on two different hairstyles: a normal ponytail, or a shapeless pile-up of hair on top of her head. Lucy, who must have some nefarious motive for sabotaging her, says the second option is better. LD then starts angsting about how messy she looks and how boys only notice her when they want to play baseball. Ugh, don't you just hate when boys ask you to participate in shared hobbies?

"If you want to look glitzier you should try some makeup!" Lucy chirps. Uh-oh. LD says she doesn't know anything about makeup, but Lucy says she knows lots because "my parents sent me to special lessons!" She offers to do a makeover, and LD is thrilled. Presumably she doesn't know that the last girl Lucy made over ended up scantily clad in clashing animal prints and then got arrested. Lucy brags about how much makeup she has and how much fun they'll have, all while backing into a cubicle and shutting the door. I guess she really needed to pee.

Spike's at her locker (for some reason, she has a glossy black-and-white photo of herself taped up inside) when Shane walks up to her. His hair is very big today, and he's wearing a plaid shirt with bright-red medieval jester leggings. It's a sexy, sexy look. "I told them," he announces. "You told your parents about the baby?" Spike answers, in case anyone missed the last few episodes and has never heard anything about this show.

Shane says his parents want everyone to get together and talk. "Oh no, that's horrible!" Spike groans. Spike and Shane both freak out at the mortifying idea of their parents meeting, because that's going to be the worst aspect of this whole pregnancy hoo-ha. "What did they say?" Spike asks. "Parental garbage, you know, responsibility and stuff. You know how ministers can be,'" Shane mumbles. Well no, I don't know how ministers can be. The last time we saw Shane's dad he was talking about crack. Is that standard for ministers?

As Lucy and LD leave the building after school (Lucy going on about how her parents are "cool" about her bringing friends over, mainly because they're not there to notice), Mr Colby runs up to them. He puts his hand on Lucy's shoulder and says, in a deep, soothing voice, "I didn't get a chance to tell you in class, but I found your paper very moving. You really captured the sadness of when a best friend moves away. This Voula sounds very nice." Wait, are we talking about the same Voula? Because she wasn't all that nice.

Also, what a smooth, un-awkward way to explain the sudden disappearance of a major character, Degrassi.

Lucy says she and Voula are still friends and are going to a movie that Saturday. Mr Colby pats her on the shoulder some more and tells her to keep up the good work, then leaves. LD, watching from a few inches away, scowls. "He sure likes to touch you," she remarks when Mr Colby is gone. "I like him," says Lucy. "He treats me like I'm special, you know?" LD says it's creepy when teachers are too friendly (with the obvious exception of Ms Avery because that's just the way she rolls). "There's no such thing as too friendly," says the blissfully oblivious Lucy.

A little later, LD and Lucy arrive at Lucy's house. Lucy is wearing beige plus-fours and white knee socks à la Tintin. "I really like your house," says LD. Lucy wisely refrains this time from saying that it doesn't compare to her alleged loft in Manhattan, and just says, "Yeah, I like it too." She's learning.

She plays the messages on the answering machine. First is the obligatory call from her neglectful working mother, saying that she and Mr Lucy won't be home any time soon because they love money more than their daughter. Also, they have to meet the lawyer on Saturday to go over her shoplifting case. Don't shoplift, kids, because the ensuing legal battle is a total drag.

Next is a message from Voula, saying that she can't go out with Lucy because her stereotypical immigrant parents said she's not allowed see Lucy any more. They said that months ago! Is that the best excuse she can come up with? Anyway, it doesn't matter, because that's the last we'll ever hear of Voula. Lucy looks crushed, but quickly hides it (because hiding your feelings is a vital survival skill if you're the tragic child of a neglectful working mother) and drags LD downstairs to be skanked up.

A bit later, LD is wrapped in one of Lucy's sparkly (presumably stolen) scarves, and wearing an unflattering shade of bright red lipstick and waaay too much mascara. Lucy's putting large amounts of blue eyeshadow on her, but only on the outer halves of her eyelids for some reason. I think Lucy's "special lessons" may have taken place at clown college.

"Were your parents angry when you got caught shoplifting?" asks LD. What, is she considering getting some sparkly scarves of her own? "Not as mad as Voula's," says Lucy. "They were kind of disappointed. They worked hard at being good parents after that. We had dinner together and stuff, and we went on family picnics. It was kind of neat. But now they're real busy again. I don't mind." So: if you shoplift as a cry for attention, your parents will drag you on boring picnics for a couple of weeks, then go back to ignoring you, while you manfully pretend not to care. Good to know.

"Do you ever get lonely?" asks LD, who's apparently decided to interview Lucy to pass the time. "I like to be alone," says Lucy. "I'm independent." Oh hey, I'm beginning to get this vague sense that Lucy… isn't always entirely honest about her feelings. Am I crazy for thinking that?

LD babbles about how she was "so scared" when her dad went to hospital. Lucy valiantly manages to keep trowelling on the makeup throughout. At some arbitrary point, she declares herself to be finished, and turns LD around to look in the mirror. "I look too different!" she exclaims. "No you don't," says Lucy. "You're just not used to it. All the guys will notice you now." Yeah, no doubt about that. Not content with what she's already wreaked, Lucy then starts tying up LD's hair in another scarf.

A bit later, LD is finally making her escape. She's still wearing the scarf in her hair, and promises to bring it back next week. "Take your time, I've got lots!" says Lucy. How many of those things did she steal, seriously? LD starts to go, then turns back and admits, "I kinda miss Voula too." Lucy shrugs and says, "She's changing anyway." Mean! Just because your friend is going through puberty is no reason to stop liking her. "She says she likes it out there. I mean, the suburbs? Talk about tacky." …oh, that kind of change. Wait, Lucy doesn't live in the suburbs? But there's literally a white picket fence around her house! I do not understand this show.

Anyway, LD goes, and Lucy stands in the doorway looking morose for a minute, before she represses her feelings and goes back inside. No misery here, nu-uh! As soon as the door is closed, LD goes over to a nearby van and checks herself out in the wing mirror. She's horrified to find that she looks like a kabuki mask, and immediately starts trying to get the makeup off.

Next day, the Grade 8s are debating the death penalty. Everyone's getting very worked up. An example of their considered political statements: "If I knew I could get executed, I sure wouldn't murder anyone!" Lucy chips in with some statstics, and Mr Colby uses the opportunity to sit down near her… on Wai Lee's desk, completely blocking the kid's view of anything except the back of Mr Colby's lemon-yellow sweater. Poor Wai Lee.

The discussion starts to degenerate into a free-for-all. Mr Colby seems to lose interest in it completely, possibly because he's extremely distracted by the very small area of chest that Lucy's displaying. She's oblivious, as she's locked in a no doubt very rewarding philosophical discussion with Steph, but LD notices and looks deeply concerned. Or something; she sort of only has one facial expression, a vaguely sleepy frown. But the background music's real ominous.

Once the bell goes, Steph goes after Alexa, futilely demanding her clothes back again. I know Steph had resolved to dress less slutty, but did she really have to go so far in the other direction? She's wearing a pink-and-yellow floral blouse, buttoned all the way up to the neck, and a salmon-pink suit jacket. I'm pretty sure no 14-year-old in human history ever voluntarily dressed like that. Anyway, Alexa still insists the clothes were a gift, blah blah.

Wheels is still getting a hard time from his bandmates for trying to get an education. "I tried everything," Wheels insists. "[My parents] won't let me play until my marks get better. You guys can play without me." "No way, man!" Joey answers. "It's not the Zit Remedy if we're missing a Zit!" Wheels starts to smile at this, but then frowns when he looks back into the classroom and sees Lucy still talking to Mr Colby. "Lucy and Colby, together again," Joey says. "He sure seems to like her," Wheels remarks. "It's kind of weird." As more ominous music plays, there's a very very long shot of Mr Colby leaning over Lucy and talking. Yep, I'm sure this will end well.

That afternoon, everyone's going home. LD's sitting outside the door, waiting for Lucy. When Lucy comes out, she's accompanied by Mr Colby, who has his hand on her shoulder and is droning on about how she's so special and bright and sensitive and sparkly. LD watches with a look of homicidal rage.

Once he's out of earshot, LD comes up to Lucy and tells her, "Today in class, he sort of looked down your top." Lucy looks disgusted and asks, "Why are you making this up? Finally a teacher likes me, and you're trying to spoil it. Thanks a lot." LD insists she's telling the truth: "I just think you should be careful, that's all!" "Yeah, of being friends with you," Lucy snaps. Oooh, great comeback. Really.

"What'd I do?" LD asks. Lucy snaps. "You're too chicken to wear makeup, and you're too chicken to talk to boys. You're just jealous." "Well, at least I don't shoplift!" LD shouts. It's a pretty valid point, but Lucy for some reason takes offence and walks off.

We then see a close-up of the Lucy family's answering machine playing a message from Mrs Lucy: "I've got to rush to the airport to pick up a client. There's ten dollars on the fridge for pizza. See you soon." So, in case you hadn't picked up on it from one of the earlier subtle hints, it seems that Lucy's parents are too busy to pay her much attention. And the makers of the show are too busy to turn this into an actual scene with visible people in it. Life imitating art. Or "art", at any rate.

Next morning, Wheels arrives at school wearing some kicky glasses that are eerily like a pair my mother had about the same time. Combined with his mullet, the overall effect is very 1970s terrorist. Ms Avery immediately comes over to him, puts her hand on his shoulder and tells him how "smart" he looks in glasses. At least she doesn't tell him he's bright and sensitive, because I think even Wheels could see through that lie.

For once, we're narrowly spared another scene of guys peeing; Joey and Snake are just leaving the bathroom as they discuss their troubles. "Can't we get another bass player just until Wheels comes back?" Snake asks. "Who?" says Joey indignantly. "We can't replace Wheels – the man's got talent."

That selfsame talented man comes up behind them, and asks what they think of his new look. "Since when do you wear glasses?" asks Snake in thinly veiled disgust. Wheels looks panicked and rambles about how none of this was his idea and Ms Avery made him go to the eye doctor and there were tests involved and please don't beat him up. Eventually, Joey takes pity and tells him to relax: "They're cool, man. Very cool. But you're not going to wear them on stage, right? Who's ever heard of a rock star in glasses, right?" Joey and Snake crack up laughing. Wheels tries to compare himself to John Lennon, but it doesn't help much because Joey's never heard of him.

Wow, the 60s weren't even that long ago when this show was made. That's mental.

Steph's at her locker, making sure her ugly pleated blouse is pleated just right, when Alexa walks up (wearing a navy sweatshirt and some very ill-advised turquoise tapered trousers) and hands her a big plastic bag. Steph reaches in and pulls out the infamous geometric boob tube. "My clothes!" she exclaims, sounding happier than at any other point in the show. "My mum found them," Alexa explains. "She said they made me look like a lady of the evening. I'm grounded for two weeks!" What, you can't say "lady of the night" on kids' TV? Or is a "lady of the evening" a less hardcore version who only does hand-holding and the occasional peck on the cheek?

"And they looked so good on you, too," Steph sympathises insincerely. Alexa glowers at her and marches off. Steph paws through the bag of Skankwear, fantasising about how many elections she'll steal and how many soap stars she'll seduce. Oh, the sordid possibilities!

Some time later, Mr Colby's class is just finishing. (Today's sweater is a vaguely '80s-futuristic grid pattern with lavender cuffs and neckband.) When the bell goes, he calls Lucy back. She looks chuffed and goes up to his desk, while LD stands in the background looking like the apocalypse is nigh. "Listen," says Mr Colby, "I'm not familiar with all of Mr Raditch's systems. I wonder could you stay for a bit and help me out?" Mr Raditch's systems? That is the flimsiest excuse ever. What does that even mean? And, assuming it's something to do with classroom admin or whatever, why would a 14-year-old kid know how to… do whatever it is one does with these systems?

So, creepy-ass rendezvous successfully scheduled, Mr Colby then decides to leave the room. There is… no discernible reason for this, but it gives us another glimpse of LD standing doomily in the doorway.

Downstairs, Joey and Snake are bitching about how their lives have been totally ruined by Wheels temporarily qutting the band. Suddenly, they hear some distant bass music, and go into the auditorium to find Simon furtively strumming Wheels's bass. He's a good player; he knows even more notes than Wheels! Maybe as many as five or six!

Simon's terrified when he sees the others watching him, but they've both immediately decided to exploit him, and start gushing fakely about how awesome he is. It's actually mildly amusing. Intentionally, I mean. What's the world coming to?

Meanwhile, Wheels arrives in Ms Avery's classroom for his tutoring. Today she's eschewed the shirtdresses in favour of a matching shiny blue ankle-length skirt and oversized blazer, and a brown version of the communal belt. Very "Star Trek meets office casual".

She coyly tells Wheels that they're going to have his marks up in no time. Her tone and stance are, again, vaguely inappropriate.

Random filler shot of a lady janitor mopping the floor as everyone goes home. Although she's not the semi-regular lady janitor of future episodes. So, egalitarian paradise that it is, Canada apparently has lots of lady janitors.

Back in Mr Raditch's room, Lucy's cleaning the blackboard. I can't believe the Grade Eights had "grimy" as a spelling. Mr Colby returns, shooting a stealthy look up and down the corridor as he walks in. Lucy sits down, and Mr Colby shuts the door. He paces around the room and starts talking about how Lucy is "mature beyond [your] years", and how her paper about Voula showed him just how mature and sensitive she was. "I know what loneliness is like," he says, sitting down on a desk behind her. His face is so high up that most of it is cut out of the shot for the rest of this scene. "When I got divorced, it was like you wrote about Voula…" Oh, come on! It's not enough that he's a pervert; he also has to bore the poor girl to death with stories about his divorce?

Lucy seems vaguely aware that this isn't quite normal conversational material, and asks, "What about Mr Raditch's systems?" "They can wait for a while," says Mr Colby. "I'm more interested in us. People like us. We need to… help each other." He then starts massaging her shoulder like George Bush hitting on Angela Merkel at the G8. Unfortunately, Lucy is too polite and/or disturbed to deliver a no-nonsense Teutonic smackdown, and just sits there looking uncomfortable while a headless Mr Colby breathes, "Relax… don't be so tense… you need a friend, Lucy…"

Meanwhile, in Ms Avery's classroom, Wheels is working away. He suddenly starts rooting through his schoolbag and announces he needs a book from his locker. "Well, you'd better go get it then," says Ms Avery, and you'll never guess what her tone of voice is like. SO MANY MIXED MESSAGES, DEGRASSI.

Mr Colby's still putting the moves on Lucy. Or, at least, on her latest scarf, which he's groping at clumsily with his fingertips. "This is a nice scarf," he whispers. "Is it silk?" "Uh… I think so. My dad brought it back from Thailand," Lucy answers. This is just surreal, and it's not helped by the fact that we're now seeing an extreme close-up which gives us a great view of Mr Colby's acne-scarred chin (although the rest of his face is still invisible). "Silk is such a sensuous material," he drones. "I love the feel of it. Don't you?" Lucy winces like this is the stupidest thing she's ever heard.

Just as the scene is vaguely approaching some actual dramatic tension, we cut to Wheels running up the stairs. The happy music makes it blatantly obvious he's about to save the day. Conveniently, his locker is right next to Mr Raditch's classroom, and the classroom door has a window in it, so (with the help of his new glasses) he immediately sees what's going on inside. He gawks in horror.

"Don't be scared," Mr Colby whispers to Lucy. Just then, the door opens, and he jumps up. "I came to get a book," Wheels explains. "Well, get it then!" Mr Colby shouts. Way to act casual, Mr Colby. Wheels gives him a filthy look and goes over to get his book, and Lucy makes good her escape. "I'm glad we had this talk, Lucy!" Mr Colby calls out the door. Uh, I think the jig is up. Wheels looks like he's a hair's breadth away from challenging Mr Colby to a duel. Which would be awesome.

Later, Lucy gets home, and calls out for her parents. But they're not home because they have jobs and don't love her. This is all their fault. Lucy sits down and cries as she listens to the latest answerphone message from her neglectful mother, who's congratulating her on her good marks. OH THE IRONY.

Just then, there's a knock at the door. Lucy wipes away her tears (MUST HIDE FEELINGS) and goes to answer it. It's a very sheepish LD, returning Lucy's lime-green scarf. Lucy says nothing, and LD realises something's up. There is much crying and hugging and bonding and sad, sad synth music.

Next day, Wheels is showing off his new Paedo-Detector glasses to Spike, who's politely faking interest. Joey and Snake come up and tell him he turned out to be easily replaceable. "But what about when I come back?" he bleats. "We can be the first band with two bass players!" says Snake brightly. "Two! That's right! Two basses! Two! Fresh! Two!" says Joey. Aaaugh, improvised dialogue.

The twins are waiting outside the girls' bathroom, when Steph emerges, wearing a mint-green miniskirt and the geometric boob tube. "Watch out Simon! You've got him now!" say the twins. Just then, Simon and Alexa walk by, holding hands. "Hi, Simon," says Steph in her sultriest voice. "Hey, twins," says Simon politely. Burrrn.

Lucy's walking up the stairs when she meets Mr Colby (who's wearing a grey version of the blue scribbly sweater from the start of the episode. I'm a little disappointed by his lack of originality). "I'm sorry about yesterday," he begins, then hastily adds, "not that anything happened, of course." Smooth. "We never did get to Mr Raditch's systems. How about trying again this afternoon, after school?" Lucy gives him a death stare and answers, "No, Mr Colby, not in a million years." Mr Colby looks deeply shocked, like he can't believe his creepy, illegal chat-up techniques have failed.

On her way into the classroom, Lucy's stopped by Wheels. "Look, I saw him touch you," he says. Pretty much the most awkward conversational opener ever. "You gonna do anything about it? If you need a witness or anything…"

"Would you?" asks Lucy. "Sure," says Wheels. Lucy smiles, and says "Thanks." And… that's the end of the episode. Just like last time, we're denied any kind of closure. Presumably because writers who can write that kind of dramatic scene cost more. Sigh.

Dubious lessons of the week: However supposedly dreamy your substitute teacher may be, it's kind of unpleasant if he actually molests you. Luckily, molestation only consists of touching someone's shoulder and talking about accessories. And if a female teacher flirts with a boy, it's all good fun.

S01 E09 – What a Night

Lucy is strolling oh-so-casually around the world's most depressing clothes shop. La la la, walk walk walk. She stops in front of a large, portentous sign reading "Shoplifters will be prosecuted", and peruses a pile of scarves. They're her trademark kind of sparkly scarves, the ones everyone apparently found so scandalous in '80s Canada. She takes a purple one off the top of the pile, casts an incredibly unsubtle look around to make sure nobody's watching her, and stuffs it in her bag. Issue of the Week firmly established, we go straight to the opening credits.

Next day, in school, Mr Raditch is announcing an upcoming spelling test. Among the words they have to learn are "dolt", "funeral", and "salad". How stupid are these kids? Also, the words "government", "neurosurgeon", "nocturnal", "balcony", and "quiche" all somehow appear in the kids' reading assignment for the week. That sounds like fascinating, confusing reading.

In the back of the class, Steph's reading a soap magazine. When the bell rings, she leaps up out of her chair, but Raditch points and her and snaps, "Wait!", like an infinitely less perky and benign version of the woman who sings the theme song. Anyway, he's just keeping them on after the bell to exposition about how utterly, life-changingly important this spelling test is. Close-up on Lucy, looking bored, and Voula, watching her with a strange yearning. Hey, I've never seen Voula with any men! Let's start a witch-hunt!

Once Raditch finally dismisses the class, Voula runs over to tell Lucy how fabulous her scarf is. It's the one she stole earlier. "What, this old thing?" asks Lucy, who's also wearing a gigantic shirt which has tails, like a man's shirt, only no man's shirt would have such a horrible floral pattern on it, so I have no idea who this monstrosity is actually intended for. Before they can leave, Raditch calls Lucy back. "He's such a faaascist," she whispers to Voula. Yeah, calling people back after class was one of Mussolini's lesser-known crimes, but it really irritated the Italian populace after a while.

Out in the corridor, Steph's excited about some plan or other, but Heather says they have study period, and should, uh, study. Steph says someone will be keeping watch in case "Baxter" turns up, and doesn't Heather want to see "Damon King"? The girls swoon over this Damon King guy, and go into the library.

Back in the classroom, Lucy is giving Mr. Raditch a run for his money in the stinkeye department. He cuts to the chase: her marks are crap lately, and what's going on? Are there problems at home? Wow, that's original. Lucy says everything's fine, and she's probably just going through a phase. Raditch says she'd better start a new phase, or "you're going to jeopardise your entire year", which seems to be Canadian for "you might fail and get kept back", rather than "everyone in your year will die horribly if you don't learn to spell". But I could be wrong – maybe Canadian schools are really hardcore, and use decimation as a punishment? Anyway, Lucy's not interested in having this conversation, so eventually Raditch reluctantly lets her go. Faaaascist.

In the library, everyone's watching TV, which is what Steph was so excited about before. Wow, TV! Specifically, they're watching a soap called "Days of Passion", Canada's answer to "Invitation to Love". We see a brief clip of the show, and it's fantastic, seeing as it has even lower production values than Degrassi itself. Some horribly ugly mulleted guy (the Damon King the girls were squeeing over earlier), and an emotionless woman with '80s Playboy Playmate hair, are discussing their forbidden love; there is much bandying about of lines like "If only we were free to follow our hearts!" and "We can't do this to Amanda and Harvey!" and even "Hush, my sweet." "Amanda", of course, is in a coma, because broadcasting laws state that all soaps must have at least one character in a coma at all times.

Nearly all the girls in the library are completely enthralled by this, especially Steph and the twins, who make loud fangirl noises every time the hideous mulletman is on screen. Joey and Wheels, at the back of the room, are mocking the whole thing, and being pretty entertaining. Voula, who presumably isn't allowed watch TV due to her parents being ethnic, is working quietly in the corner. Lucy comes in and sits beside her, and bitches about Raditch. "I don't have to worry. I don't need spelling. I'm gonna be a dancer," she announces. Solid strategy there; can't see how that could backfire. Voula, a little starstruck by Lucy's seditious Raditch-bashing, offers to coach her in spelling anyway, and Lucy looks kind of touched.

Over by the TV, Steph announces that she's going to meet Damon King, and pulls out her soap magazine, which has an ad for a book signing he's doing tomorrow. The twins agree to go along with her. Even Heather!

Just then, Alexa, who's keeping guard at the door, announces that "Baxter's coming!". Erika turns off the TV, and everyone hastily pretends to be studying. In comes the mysterious Ms Baxter, who I think we've briefly glimpsed before, but who will never actually be seen to teach a class or anything, because the show's budget won't cover it. She sits down to supervise the study class. Lucy whispers to Voula that she would like help with her spelling, after all. Because Lucy is just that lonely.

Later, at Lucy's, they're going over spellings, and Lucy is not that good. She whinges that it's boring, and Voula says she just has to keep practicing. "No I don't," says Lucy. "It's my right to flunk if I want to." I like Lucy, but her whiny sense of entitlement is really irritating sometimes.

Just then, the phone rings, and Lucy goes to answer it. It's her mother, to say she'll be working late. Oh, and Dad's working late too, but that whole side of things is downplayed, because careers are normal for men. Lucy sounds suicidally depressed at this news, but I'm sure she doesn't really mind, since she previously swore to Mr. Raditch that everything was fine at home. Right? Right?

Once she hangs up, she decides that she's sick of studying, and that there's no problem in life that can't be solved with a healthy dose of denial and… a makeover! She drags Voula off to her room, and starts throwing her clothes to try on. Voula protests geekily, but is powerless in the face of Lucy's slightly manic enthusiasm, and eventually breaks into a nervous, nasal giggle.

Meanwhile, the Advanced Unwise Behaviour group are on the way home, wildly excited about tomorrow's book signing. Erika is pretending to be Damon King, telling a faux-swooning Steph that "the moment I saw you, I knew we were meant for each other. Now, I know you're only fourteen, but what does age matter?" It actually matters quite a lot, as we are soon to find out. Anyway, the point of this scene is: Steph is fourteen, and fourteen-year-old girls think relationships with men in their late thirties are totally romaaaantic.

Back at Lucy's, the makeover is in full swing. Voula's now wearing too-large leopard-print leggings, a black tank top, and a little tiger-print scarf. "It's not the usual me, that's for sure," she understates. Lucy drags her to the mirror and ties the scarf around her neck so it looks a bit like a man's tie. "That's nice!" says Voula in the high-pitched voice of a bad, bad liar. She then adds, "I wish I had more interest in clothes," which (since it implies that this whole makeover is a waste of time) seems weirdly passive-aggressive; but hey, it's Voula. Lucy offers to lend her some stuff, but Voula says that her parents won't let her be sophisticated. I really don't think parental disapproval is the only thing preventing her from being sophisticated.

"My parents are perfect," says Lucy offhandedly. "They buy me everything I want. And they're always working, so they're never around here to bug me." "Don't you get lonely?" asks Voula. Lucy looks enormously uncomfortable, then claims that she's "self-sufficient". The phrase "not just a river in Egypt" springs to mind. The girls smile awkwardly, and then Lucy tries to make Voula try on another outfit. Voula says she has to go home, and Lucy practically begs her to stay for dinner. Very self-sufficient of her. Voula just shakes her head sadly, and Lucy advances on her, frantically insisting that her mother is a gourmet cook and "takes classes and stuff", but Voula backs away and says that Papa Stalin is expecting her home. That bread won't slice itself! "Boooring," snarks Lucy, who is not at all jealous of Voula's smothering home life. Not even a little bit. Tra la la.

Of course, a good mother wouldn't need to take cookery classes, because she would actually be home to cook every night, instead of gallivanting off to meetings and mergers and whatnot! Fancy-schmancy gourmet cookery is no substitute for proper dutiful housewifery.

A little later, Voula's leaving, dressed in her peasant outfit. Lucy thanks her for the help with her spelling, then gives her the stolen scarf from earlier. Voula is utterly overjoyed to wear something that wasn't previously owned by her grandmother back in the old country. "Keep it for as long as you like," says Lucy, "I've got lots." Or at least she knows where to steal more. Voula heads off into the night, and Lucy stares after her with inexpressible longing. Because she is lonely.

Just then the phone rings. Lucy goes back in to answer it, looking ridiculously excited. But she just gets her heart broken, and not for the first time, as her mother is still tied up at work – "You know what these deals are like!" she declares chirpily, because she is a callous businesswoman. She then tells Lucy that there's some sushi in the fridge, which sounds pretty good, but it's the last straw for Lucy. She shuffles sadly over to the fridge and takes out the sushi, bravely wiping away a single tear. Because she is lonely. Because her mother has a career.

Next day, Mr Raditch is giving the spelling test. Lucy and Voula exchange a smile, because Lucy is totally kicking the ass of this test, even though she quit halfway through their only study session to tart Voula up. Whatever.

When the bell goes, Raditch announces that he'll have their tests marked after lunch, and everyone gets up to leave. Lucy enthuses some more about how studying totally, like, made her know stuff, and Voula is anaemically supportive as ever.

Cut to Steph and the twins. Steph is skanked up to the max, wearing a geometric-patterned boob tube and a miniskirt that's on back to front. Heather, in accordance with her contractual obligations, is insisting that going to the book signing is a bad idea for some reason, but this is pretty much just filler dialogue while Steph gets her stuff out of her locker. Then they head out the door for an exciting afternoon in a bookshop.

The bookshop… oh dear lord. There's the most amateurish poster EVER outside; it proclaims that "TV's hottest soap star", "King of Hearts Damon King", is signing his new book, "Confessions of a Soap Star!!". Yes, the exclamation marks are part of the title. The poster's in black-and-white, including a really bad photocopy of Damon King's face, but has been lazily coloured in here and there with a marker that was running low on ink. Better yet, when the girls arrive and go into the shop, we see some copies of the book in the front window, and the cover is just a smaller version of the poster. Crappy colouring-in and everything. Best of all: the books are clearly stacked in a Random House branded display case. I feel terribly sorry for Random House, who probably never knew why their share prices tumbled so dramatically all of a sudden.

Inside, the shop is piled high with copies of Damon King's book. The man himself is at a table, being charming with a middle-aged woman who's telling him what a big fan she is. He sleazily kisses her on the hand as she tells him, "You look so adorable." Adorable is not quite the word. He is wearing a blazer made out of that heavy white material with Regency-style pastoral scenes which is usually used to make couch-covers.

The girls come in, and stop to ogle him. "He looks just like on TV!" sighs Erika. That's not really a good thing, considering what he looks like on TV. Steph goes over to the table and hits Damon King with the full power of her Flirting Grin. Apparently the man is majorly into uneven teeth, because he wiggles his eyebrows and growls, "Hi there," in what is presumably supposed to be a languid, sexy voice, but actually sounds more like he's had a few Valiums (Valia?).

Steph explains that she can't afford to buy a copy of his book, but will he sign her TV Guide? Damon looks her up and down, then up and down again, then once more just to be sure, lingering around the boob tube area, then signs the magazine. In the background, Erika eagerly wonders if he'll kiss Steph. From the way he's mentally undressing her, I'd say we can be fairly sure of the answer. Behind Erika, we can see a woman with an eye patch who I'm sure appears later (minus eye patch) as Kathleen's mother. Low-budget TV, how I love thee.

"How old are you, Stephanie?" asks Damon. She hesitates a second, then says she's sixteen. "Sweet sixteen," he muses in a "nice and legal, eh?" voice, looking her up and down a few more times. He then adds something to the autograph, and hands back the magazine. "You know, Stephanie," he breathes, "one autograph, one kiss. That's my policy." A policy that must prove awkward during things like contract signings. He leans over and kisses her on the cheek, displaying the full mightiness of his hideous mullet in the process.

Steph looks briefly shocked, but runs over to the twins and squees that she'll "never wash this cheek again", which, ew. Heather, always on the lookout for something to disapprove of, looks at the autograph and realises that Damon King has written down his phone number. Steph looks back at him, and he nods and winks at her, and I did not know a nod and wink could be so very, very disgusting. AAAAAURGH. As the girls leave, the camera zooms in on one of the Damon King posters, and he totally has the face of a killer.

After the break, everyone's back in class, and somehow the girls made it to the book signing and back in time to get their spelling test results. Thrilling. Heather did well, but Erika did badly, and gives Raditch a look of utter loathing. Because she's the mildly cool twin. Raditch tells Joey that "I didn't realise you knew Swahili." Joey looks like he completely doesn't get the joke, but everyone laughs at him, so he gets the general idea. Seemingly, Raditch didn't really learn his lesson about publicly mocking students. And Lucy, of course, wins at literacy.

Raditch then gives some closing remarks about spelling, but while he talks, he's gathering up his stuff, looking at his watch, and pacing nearer and nearer to the door. The instant the bell rings, he yanks open the door and makes a run for it, actually doing a little air-punch on the way out. Cute.

Steph and the twins are first out the door, and Heather's already in mid-lecture about how calling Damon King would be really, really stupid. "He gave me his number, why shouldn't I call him?" says Steph, displaying the impeccable reasoning skills we've come to love her for.

Meanwhile, Lucy's totally psyched about her newfound spelling skills. "I passed and it's all thanks to you!" she tells Voula. "You helped me, now I'm going to help you. Let's go get you some new clothes!" Voula, who's still wearing Lucy's scarf, says she doesn't have any money. "Don't worry about it!" says Lucy. "You want new clothes, don't you?" Note: a line like that is never, ever a good sign. Voula protests, but Lucy's not taking no for an answer.

As ominous bass music thrums in the background, Steph and the twins walk towards a phone box. "I don't think you should do this," grumps Heather, who is no less annoying just because she's the only one with any common sense. Steph and Erika squee over the dubious hotness of Damon King; when Heather points out that he only wants Steph's body, Steph views that as a major plus.

As Steph goes into the phone box and dials (dials! on a dial!), the twins stand outside and make various in-character comments on the situation, e.g. "I don't believe this." "Neither do I." "This is so romantic." "This is so dumb." "Don't be such a prude." "I am not a prude!" Steph, meanwhile, gets through to Damon King, who clearly has nothing to do but sit by the phone waiting for bouffant-haired schoolgirls to call. When she gets out of the phone box, she announces, "A date! Tonight! He's gonna show me how a TV studio works!" Is that what they're calling it these days?

"Isn't it kind of dumb going out with some strange man?" asks Heather, the annoying voice of reason. Erika insists, "This is not a strange man – this is a TV star!" Heather points out that they don't know anything about him (should have shelled out for a copy of his autobiography!). "Sure we do!" chirps Steph. "We watch him on TV all the time! I read about him! I feel like I practically know him!" Heather continues to list very reasonable objections to this whole thing (he's too old; "showing you how a TV studio works" is the most made-up excuse for a date ever), but Erika insists she's just jealous, and Steph says she can take care of herself. I'm not sure what she's basing this on.

And from the amount of time this show just devoted to debating the pros and cons of dating a random celebrity, I have to assume the writers actually thought this was a genuine hazard that the youth of today (well, yesterday) needed to be warned about at length. What the hell? Was this a particular thing back in 1987?

Meanwhile, Lucy and Voula are in the clothes shop where Lucy stole the scarf. Voula's blown away by the stuff on offer, being still new to the wonders of capitalist free markets. Lucy says that she shops there a lot, but I'm not sure it counts as shopping if you actually just steal things. As Voula peruses something which she calls a tape, but comes in a box that's nearly a foot long (anyone know what this is? because I'm genuinely stumped) Lucy ostentatiously looks around and steals a necklace, then drags Voula off to look at sweaters.

They start going through the fugly sweatshirts on the sale rack. Voula says that the first one looks like something her mother would buy, and granted it's ugly, but it still looks ten times better than Voula's peasant dresses. People in glass houses and all that. She then likes the look of another sweatshirt, but Lucy witheringly tells her that these are "clone clothes". Ouch.

Voula goes over to look at another rack, then picks out a cardigan. It's just… just awful. It's a huge lumpy-looking V-neck, with a geometric pattern in navy and suicide green, with a big black collar and button band, and randomly strewn glitter. But, because the '80s make no sense, Lucy, the "stylish" one, declares that it's nice. Voula can't afford it, so Lucy promptly takes the cardigan off the hanger and shoves it in her bag. "What are you doing?" squeaks Voula. "Sssh! Be casual," orders Lucy. Behind her, a middle-aged woman in a purple sweatshirt gives her a stinkeye worthy of Raditch.

"Put it back!" hisses Voula, but Lucy insists that no-one saw them, in which case why is the middle-aged woman looking at them like they're the spawn of Satan? As Lucy drags Voula towards the escalator, the woman pulls out a walkie-talkie, and then extends its aerial, which is nearly a metre long. It is not what you'd call subtle.

Lucy and Voula march through the shop, Voula whispering that it's wrong, wrong, wrong! I don't know why she cares so much; as her father would tell her, all property is theft anyway. Lucy insists that it doesn't matter, and shops expect to lose stuff, and she doesn't quite say that she's sticking it to the man, but it's heavily implied. As they get on the escalator, she tells Voula not to be such a wimp, and Voula snaps, "I'm not a wimp, you're a thief!" The two facts are really not mutually exclusive.

Lucy gives her the bag, and huffily tells her to take the cardigan back, since she's so big on law and order, but Voula's scared someone will see. "Come on, Voula, no-one cares!" says Lucy, just as a security guard appears at the top of the escalator, and by the look of him, I'd say he cares. The girls try to run back down the escalator, but there's a shop assistant at the bottom, glaring at them with a Face Of Doom. The girls stop running, and are promptly escalated back up to the security guard. He smarmily takes the bag, and escorts them off to wherever security guards escort shoplifters to.

Meanwhile, Steph's standing outside a record shop, dressed for her date. You can tell she's in a bad neighbourhood because there's a siren wailing in the background.Her hair is frizzed and sprayed to within an inch of its life. She's wearing the pink leggings from her ill-fated date with Wheels, some random see-through glittery piece of fabric hanging over her ass, and a bomber jacket, because otherwise this outfit would just be slutty. Some middle-aged guy comes out of the shop and stares at her lasciviously as he walks away, but she doesn't notice.

Just then, Damon King pulls up in a white two-seater, and tells her to "hop aboard". Never trust a man who uses expressions like "hop aboard". She briefly looks nervous, but gets in, first casting a shifty look around in exactly the style of a hooker ineptly trying to be discreet. He looks her up and down in an even sleazier manner than before, and pervs, "Let's you and me go have some fun." Off they go, nearly colliding with a tram that looms out of the darkness at the last minute.

Lucy and Voula are in an office, sitting in front of a security guard who looks even more depressed than they do. She pulls the ugly jumper out of Lucy's bag, and dronily moralises, "What's the matter with you kids? Don't you think shoplifting matters? The store has to pay for the things you steal, which means they have to raise their prices and people have to pay more." At the start of this speech, she sounds soulless and apathetic, but then suddenly switches moods, sounding incredibly angry and embittered by the end. It's sort of impressive to screw up a short line so comprehensively, in two completely different ways.

Lucy rolls her eyes, and Voula looks like she might vomit. The security guard, back to a soulless monotone, speculates that they'll "be singing a different tune when the police arrive". Ooh, badass. Voula freaks out even more at the mention of the police, but Lucy tells her that if they pretend to be sorry, they won't get charged and won't have to go down to the station. Voula realises that Lucy's suspiciously familiar with police procedure, and asks if she's been caught before, at which Lucy gets pretty offended. She's not usually nearly this bad at stealing!

Just then, a policeman (who looks about 17; bad casting, or am I just getting old?) comes in. "Well well," he says to Lucy, "you again! And I see you've brought a friend with you this time." Voula realises she's been hanging with a hardened, hamfisted criminal, and gives Lucy her best guilt-trip stare, last seen during the school's presidential election.

Stephanie and Damon are driving past a bunch of motels. Not the family-friendly, 1950s kind of motels; the kind with hookers outside. There are, in fact, some hookers standing on the footpath. This show is aimed at what age group again?

Damon pulls in outside one of the motels. Steph looks around blankly. Her expression might be supposed to show slowly dawning horror, or complete incomprehension. It's Stephanie; it's hard to tell. Anyway, she eventually realises that this probably isn't a TV studio. Damon's non-explanation: "Why don't we stop for a bit? And talk?" Steph looks appropriately horrified, but insists she's not afraid, she just isn't that fond of Toronto's grimy motel disrict. Damon tries to persuade her that "this is a nice place"; I think he just underestimated Stephanie Kaye's intelligence and good taste. That takes some doing. And just in case you thought his "moves" couldn't get any more dodgy, he actually sprays his mouth with mouth spray – the international symbol for creepiness.

Leaning vampirically towards her, he repeats an earlier line from his TV show: "I think you and I have a lot in common… I really do." His sincerity is somewhat undermined by the fact that he's just put one hand around her, and the other on her thigh. Steph decides that enough is enough, and demands to be taken home NOW, but he just growls, "Come on, Stephanie. You know what this is all about." EW.

Steph leaps out of the car and starts to run, with impressive agility for someone in three-inch heels. Damon tries to follow, but she yells at him to stay away. He literally tries to shush her, but when he gets closer and puts his hands on her shoulders, she tells him the truth: "I'm not really sixteen. I'm fourteen years old." Hilariously, he literally backs away, looking around to make sure there are no paparazzi lurking, then turns and runs, dives into his car and drives off, tyres screeching. "You'd better not touch me!" Steph yells redundantly at his departing form.

Um… something tells me that real-world perverts are not quite so easily deterred.

At the shop, Lucy's explaining to the policeman that it was all her fault. Neither Voula nor the policeman really give a crap, though. And off they all go to the police station.

Steph's in the motel lobby, calling her mother. "I've done something really stupid," she says. To which the natural response is: what's new? "Can you come and pick me up?" she asks. "I'm at a motel." She's been crying, and her mascara is all Gothy and smudged. So you know this is a serious, gritty scene.

Voula and Lucy are on a bench at the police station. Some guy goes by in handcuffs, and they both look at him nervously. I believe we're getting some kind of message about how crime is a generally bad idea.

Voula snaps, and rants about how it's all Lucy's fault, but when Lucy tries to apologise, Voula tells her, "Don't talk to me," in a magnificently pissy tone. Just then, Papa Stalin arrives at the front desk, with some plump woman who is presumably Mama Stalin. Papa Stalin tells the teenage cop that he's here for Voula, and both Stalins give the girls filthy glares while they wait.

Voula's oblivious to this, being in full-on rant mode: "I'm sorry I ever helped you! I used to think you were sophisticated, but you're just dumb!" There's a long, awkward pause while both girls realise Voula's run out of dialogue, then try to look like their silence is intentional and hastily put on sulky faces. FINALLY the teenage cop turns up, and tells Voula that her glowering parents are here. Lucy wishes her luck, but just gets glared at in response. As the family is reunited, we can just hear the Stalins laying a standard-issue ethnic guilt-trip on Voula: "You see what we have here? What have you done to us? Why you do this? Is it my fault? No more Lucy! No more Lucy for you! I told you Lucy is no good!" Ah, immigants.

Meanwhile, the teenage cop returns to Lucy and tells her he's having some trouble contacting her parents. "They're very busy," she says, full of poorly concealed bitterness. The policeman says he's going to have to charge her this time, and they go off to wherever policemen take you to be charged. As she leaves, Lucy casts a wistful look at the epic scolding Voula's getting. I bet Mama Stalin doesn't have a career! On the plus side, at least Lucy's high-powered parents should at least have ample money for bail, if and when they actually turn up.

Oh hey, happy music! We're back at school the next morning. That was… abrupt. Steph's telling the twins about her date, and just in case we hadn't got the message already, she informs them that "what looks good on TV can be pretty gross in real life". Okay, I GET it. Jeez. I won't go on any dates with minor TV stars. Are you satisfied now, Degrassi writers?

No, they're not satisfied, apparently: we're subjected to some rambling about "not getting into risky situations" and how Steph was "reeeeally lucky" that Damon King was an unusually law-abiding pervert. Her mother, by the way, was not all that angry after all, only backing up my theory that her alleged strictness is just invented by Steph so she can feel put-upon.

Voula is bustling resentfully down the corridor when Lucy calls out to her. Lucy is wearing a man's blue shirt, a denim sleeveless shirt over that, and a waistcoat made out of carpet. Which is reason enough to avoid her, as Voula promptly does; also, she's not allowed talk to Lucy any more (or, as it's said in ethnic-speak, "No more Lucy for you!"). Lucy just follows her and waffles at the back of her head about how it really was all her own fault, and she was dumb, and she has to go to court: "I guess I'm in a lot of trouble." This finally gets Voula's attention, and she asks how Lucy's oh-so-loose parents felt about the whole clusterfuck. I'm paraphrasing slightly.

"They said I was a spoiled brat after all they'd done for me. Maybe they're right," Lucy admits. Ok, Lucy's shoplifting is stupid and unnecessary and admittedly illegal, but seriously: why are all the parents on this show so unsympathetic? Their reactions to standard teenage mischief range from accusations of brattism, unpatriotic Westernisation, unpardonable tomboyism and/or skankitude to administering savage beatings (or, best-case scenario, admitting to social workers that they wished they could administer savage beatings). Lucy shrugs and walks morosely into Mr. Raditch's class, and when Voula follows her, she continues, "They said we have to take family counselling. My parents probably won't be able to find the time." Yeah, that's fair.

Her anger rapidly dissipating, Voula is looking at Lucy with the same look of yearning as before, and finally blurts out: "Listen, do you want any more help? Like in spelling or math or anything?" Not so much in shoplifting. "But I thought your parents said," begins Lucy in befuddlement. "I'll talk to them," says Voula brightly. "They'll understand when they stop being so mad." On past form, this is wildly unlikely, but clearly the writers needed some way to wrap up this episode.

"So… do you want any help?" asks Voula again. Lucy pauses, then breaks into a broad, ill-judged grin. In true Degrassi style, as the closing music starts, we freeze on a very unflattering shot of her braces.

Dubious lessons of the week: Children of high-powered parents will inevitably become illiterate, erratically-dressed delinquents. Tutoring a new friend in spelling is a sure-fire way to end up in trouble with the law. Celebrities are perverts.

S01 E02 - The Big Dance

We start with a shot of the Degrassi Digest – the actual one, the school newsletter, and not this blog, because that would just be weird. I'm briefly confused by how ugly it is, because nothing today is this crappily designed, until I remember that it's 1987, Word has only existed for a couple of years, and using a computer to put together a school newsletter is a ludicrous indulgence available only to the five richest kings of Europe.

We pan out to see that the newsletter is being perused by Joseph Stalin, very much alive and apparently hiding out in Canada, waiting until the time is right for a Communist resurgence. While he waits, he's started a family: Voula is in the corner, wearing a hideous apron and doing some kind of kitcheny housework, because ethnic families are old-fashioned. Write that down. She explains to him that she's the editor of the newsletter, and he says he's proud of her (a foothold in the media will help him to spread the revolutionary gospel later on). His Eastern European accent is almost as subtle and understated as Chico Marx's Italian accent.

But his pride is short-lived. He flips past the editorial page (entitled "The voice of Voula!") to find an ad for a dance this Saturday, offering "Fun!" and "Music!". It's worrying that the dance organisers didn't think that fun and music were standard, indispensable components of a dance, and actually felt a need to specify that they were planning on sourcing some fun and music for this dance specifically, and then emphasise this fact with exclamation marks. Unfortunately, Papa Stalin doesn't approve of fun or music. "Vat's thees, a dance? You're too young to go to dance!" he declares. "I don't vant my little girl dancing with boy who got only one thing on mind." "Papa, please!" wails Voula. His response: "Life is like a flower. Let it unfold." That is such a non-answer.

So, ethnic dads, they are old-fashioned. Everybody got that? Good, on to the opening credits.

After the credits, we're back at school. We see a poster declaring that "Only a broomhead would miss this dance!" Oh dear lord, it's one thing to use the word in speech, but committing it to paper is extra hopeless. A bunch of kids walk past, tunelessly tooting on assorted brass instruments, and it reminds me of the random brass bands, naval platoons, and crowds of models who used to wander unremarked around the Great Northern Hotel on Twin Peaks. Maybe David Lynch is secretly a Degrassi fan?

Lucy's talking to the twins, who by the way are now in Grade 8 and called Heather and Erica. Continuity be damned! They're coming over to her place before the dance. "Will your parents mind?" asks a twin (I'll be honest, I can't tell the difference unless they're both saying something very in-character and one of them then addresses the other by name). "No!" says Lucy. "They're loose." This is pretty much Lucy's catchphrase, and is actually a cover-up for the fact that they're neglectful deadbeats, but more on that in a couple of episodes.

Lucy heads off to the toilet, and Voula comes up to the twins. They ask her if she's going to the dance, but before she has to admit to being ethnic, Steph appears and tries to say hello. Voula wildly overreacts, with a blisteringly sarcastic "Oh, the school president is talking to me!!!" Steph looks embarrassed; the twins look like they're trying not to laugh. "Can't we ever be friends?" asks Steph. "Not in a hundred million years!" says Voula, and flounces off. Steph yells that she's being immature, and I can't argue.

Steph goes into the bathroom to change into her hideous skankwear (the fishing net again, draped over what looks like a mutilated polo shirt, and a green suede miniskirt). Lucy comes out of a cubicle (where she was reading the newspaper… nice) and asks her why she doesn't just dress like a hooker at home. Steph, unfastening the tablecloth she was wearing as a skirt, explains that her mom would ground her. "What a hick town," mutters Lucy. "All the parents are like fascists." Well, some kind of totalitarian regime of the mid-20th century, anyway.

Steph, for some reason, doesn't mind being called a hick, and is just amazed that Lucy's parents let her go around "like that". Lucy, for the record, is wearing a huge pink sweatshirt, a below-the-knee gypsy skirt over white leggings, some star earrings I'm kind of envying, a big bandana/scarf thing around her neck, and another one tied around her head. I mean, the sweatshirt is very outmoded now, and two scarves is a bit odd, but no parent aside from Richard Spier could object to this outfit. Your grandmother probably wishes you dressed like this. I have no idea why Steph thinks Lucy's folks would have a problem with it. "I can do whatever I like," says Lucy. "I can go where I want, dress how I want – " and at this point she apparently forgets how that line was supposed to end, because she just turns and leaves the room.

Steph is understandably thrown for a second, but apparently the show's budget won't cover another take, so she just soldiers on with the scene and calls Lucy back. "Have you ever asked a boy out?" "Sure!" says Lucy. "Lots of times!" "And they don't laugh?" "Of course not. Please, Stephanie, this is the '80s!" says Lucy, finally escaping from the bathroom. Heartened by this, Steph starts applying the six pounds of blusher that was de rigeur for the empowered girl of the '80s.

Out in the corridor, Michelle is apparently wearing a pyjama top; Spike is wearing what looks like a home-made Smiths T-shirt, which is a cute touch. Joey appears and goes over to Wheels. Remember Joey's best friend, Hank, from last episode? Hank is gone. You will never see Hank again. Try to forget Hank. Joey has actually just come over to brag to Wheels that he's going to the dance with Steph. "She lusts for my body!" he claims, on little to no evidence; even as he speaks, Steph is turning the terrifying power of her Flirting Grin on Wheels. Joey doesn't even notice that Wheels is smiling back at Steph, over Joey's shoulder. This isn't going to end well.

The girls go into the classroom. "He's SEW sexy!" says Steph. "What, Wheels?" asks one twin. "Well, he is better than some of the others," groans the other twin. "That's not saying much," the first twin admits, which I think is kind of rude considering that Snake and Shane are right behind them, about to sit down at their desks. Snake is wearing knee-length bright yellow shorts and a yellow shirt; his fashion choices are unusually car-crashy for a guy.

Steph, by the way, is wearing the most bizarre piece of jewellery: it resembles a bolo tie, only with fake pearls instead of a string, and ending a couple of inches below the… fasteny bit. Look, I'm sorry if my knowledge of bolo-tie terminology is deficient, ok?

OMG! Snake and Shane have super-powers! There's certainly no other explanation for how they are now suddenly back outside the classroom, walking towards it again. I mean, sure the scene might just have been lazily stage-managed, with nobody bothering to check basic issues of continuity, but… nah. Teleportation it is. Oh, also there's some kind of dialogue going on between Joey and Wheels in the foreground? Joey admits that he hasn't actually asked Steph to the dance yet, but he definitely will. Wheels looks perturbed.

Joey comes into the classroom and attempts a bit of flirting with Steph. She and the twins listen with not-at-all-concealed scorn; but if the best he can come up with is "When Jeremiah hits the floor, they always ask for more", I don't know what he was expecting. Mid-flirt, Wheels comes in and sits down at his desk. Steph ogles him like an ogly thing.

In comes Ms Avery, wearing some new Native American beadwork. Still left-wing, huh? Hilariously, the class greets her in unison as "Miss Avery", meaning that her lecture from last episode has been completely ignored. Voula gets up to speak to the class. She explains that Degrassi Junior High is planning to sponsor a foster child (at which the kids cheer with completely unrealistic enthusiasm, except for Steph, who's ostentatiously ignoring Voula). Unfortunately, nobody's actually thought how they're supposed to raise money for the sponsorship (I would have thought this was kind of a basic consideration?) so she asks for ideas.

Lucy suggests charging a dollar's admission to the dance and giving the money to the foster child. Everyone's wildly excited by this for some reason; Steph and Wheels take advantage of the diversion and ogle each other. Lucy also suggests that Voula should present the cheque at the end of the night, but Voula flails and says Steph should do it, as the school president. Steph icily agrees. Fade out to the sound of Ms Avery telling the class that sponsoring a foster child is great and it's important to help people less fortunate blah blah blah LEFT-WING.

All very nice, but "sponsoring a foster child" doesn't make any damn sense. Sponsoring and fostering are different things! And they keep using this expression and it is really bugging me.

After school, Lucy and Voula are walking out together, and Lucy is going on about how Voula should present the cheque, "not a broomhead like Stephanie". Damn. Lucy is actually one of my favourite characters in this, but I respect her less for using that word. Voula bursts out, "I'm probably not going to go to the dance! I've got too much homework."

Lucy is utterly appalled and says that Voula has the rest of her life to do homework. If I thought I was going to have to do homework for the rest of my life, I would kill myself; homework does actually end when you leave education, you know. Voula eventually admits that Papa Stalin won't let her to go to the dance. "Voula," says Lucy with an air of great worldliness, "it's all how you bring up your parents. You've gotta educate them, or they'll walk all over you. My parents are real loose." Everybody drink!

"My parents are nice!" Voula protests. "Just kind of old-fashioned. They come from a really little village." Funny, I thought Moscow was pretty big, but I suppose Voula knows best. "Don't you want to go?" asks Lucy, who's now putting on lipstick. "I'd love to!" says Voula. "Well, even parents can be reasonable, if you give them a chance. Ask again!" says Lucy. Yes, because parents love nagging. Voula gathers up her courage and asks to borrow Lucy's lipstick. Lucy looks kind of baffled that Voula is so tentative about it, but shares it anyway. Aww, female bonding.

That night, back at the Stalin residence, Voula's doing the cooking. For some reason they're having nothing but slices of bread for dinner. "Papa?" she asks. "What is it?" asks Joe, who's going through paperwork while drinking a brimming glass of wine. Booze always makes doing the household accounts much more fun! "Nothing," Voula mumbles. "Must be big nothing," he answers, and I'm sure he's playing up the ethnic accent for that line. Also, I think his shirt is made of graph paper.

Unfortunately, when Voula brings over the bread, he notices the lipstick, and makes her take it off. Ethnic dads are old-fashioned. Seriously. "You're just a little girl," he says. "It takes a long time to grow up." Studies have shown there's no quicker way to alienate a teenager than with a line like that. "So vat vas it you vere going to ask?" Voula tells him that there's this "thing" at school on Saturday, to do with the foster child, and it's utterly non-dance-like – in fact, it's "just like school", and it's in the evening, "so we could be with our family and do our homework during the day" (nice one), and, in fact, it is a meeting. Yeeeees, a meeting. That'll do. Stalin says she can go, in a voice that suggests he stopped listening some time ago, but adds that she has to be home by 9.30. Gee, I wonder if that curfew will be important in some way later on?

Next morning, in the girls' bathroom. Steph is wearing maybe her worst top yet. It's not particularly revealing, just bizarre: imagine if you had a shirt that was white with a ridiculous print of cars and tropical trees on it, and it had a really high collar that you wore up, and then you cut off the sleeves completely, and also cut out most of the back, from nearly the bottom of your back up to the bottom of the collar, so that it resembled a halter-top with a shirt collar. That's what she's wearing. With a huge plastic necklace. Also, she's wearing a lot of blue eyeshadow and is assiduously back-combing her hair as she practices crappy chat-up lines in the mirror. To her horror, a flushing sound from behind reveals that there's actually someone in one of the cubicles, and we just glimpse Nancy in the mirror, giving her a nicely eloquent smirk as she comes out of the cubicle. Heh.

Meanwhile Joey and Wheels come into the building together. "This is the day I ask Stephanie to the dance. She'll remember this day for the rest of her life," Joey announces. Wheels gives him a patronising smile, but Joey isn't the kind of guy who notices these things. Steph pops up out of nowhere and comes over to the guys. Joey tries to motion Wheels away, but before he can go, Steph asks to talk to Wheels alone. Joey does a terrible job of hiding how annoyed he is, but goes off, muttering something about polishing his nails. Wow, Joey invented metrosexuality?

Steph frogmarches Wheels into a cupboard full of gym supplies for some reason, hits him with the full-scale Flirting Grin, and asks him to the dance. Wheels, brave man that he is, doesn't run screaming, not even a little bit, and in fact agrees to go with her. Joey overhears and runs off. Awww. When Wheels is gone, Steph does a victory squee. Her hair is so wide, she looks like a badly dressed mushroom.

Saturday night. Steph is rehearsing her speech for the dance and bundling some kind of silver outfit into her bag. Voula comes downstairs in a fugly purple skirt and a hideous ethnic/Victorian plaid blouse that we may or may not have seen before – it's hard to tell these… things… apart. Her dad is doing the dishes (!) and reminds her that if she doesn't get home by 9.30, he's going to the school to pick her up. They're sure emphasising this 9.30 thing, but I'm sure it won't be relevant. Wheels is in a tiny bathroom. He asks "Dad" if he can borrow some aftershave, and a disembodied voice mumbles "OK, sure." Unperturbed by the apparent hauntedness of his bathroom, Wheels pours out a handful of some bright blue stuff that looks more like mouthwash to me, and rubs it all over his face and neck.

Lucy's chilling on the couch, reading a huge book about "MOVIES". Voula knocks at the door, and Lucy goes to let her in. She's wearing leopard-print leggings and a bright orange top with a jagged hem which looks like something you might cobble together if you had to go to a fancy-dress party as Wilma Flintstone on short notice. When she sees Voula's "outfit", she chokes out a polite compliment, but obviously even Voula knows how bad her clothes are, because she quickly explains that she brought other stuff to change into. "I'm so excited!" she sighs. "My first dance." Her misplaced optimism about a junior-high dance is utterly adorable. Judging by the look on her face, Lucy feels the same way I do.

Another knock at the door, and it's the twins, plus Steph. The twins remark on how posh the house is, but Lucy retorts, "This dump? You should have seen our loft in Manhattan." This is a breathtakingly rude response, but the others don't seem to notice. Steph's heading towards the stairs when Voula comes down. She's wearing heels (!!), a not-completely-terrible skirt with random sparkly bits, and a peasant blouse that isn't as terrible as her usual peasant blouses, but is such a morbid shade of hospital-décor blue that it makes me want to cry.

She and Steph exchange awkward glares, and Voula announces she's leaving for the dance right now. Lucy and the twins tell her to save some boys for them. Given that Steph will be there in a Steph outfit, I think it's probably not Voula they need to worry about.

Outside the school, Voula's greeted by some extras. I don't get a proper look at their outfits but one of them is wearing a blouse made from that brown swirly carpet that old people have in their living rooms. Snake is sitting outside in sunglasses, apparently for ogling purposes.

Aaaargh. This dance looks so fucking depressing. There's hardly anyone there, the gym is way too brightly lit and full of random folding chairs and crates and things, and there's a huge banner reading "DEGRASSI'S BENEFIT DANCE TO SUPPORT A FOSTER CHILD !!", which I think is the least catchy name for a social event in human history. Wheels is wandering around aimlessly in a pair of obscenely tight pants, there's a kid in the background wearing what I swear is a man's nightshirt over white tapered trousers, and Ms Avery is wearing the kind of horrible floral dress that your mother might have worn to the wedding of a distant relative in 1985, if your mother was a particularly bad dresser and didn't like the relative or approve of the marriage.

Voula doesn't know any better, though, and she wanders into the gym looking utterly spellbound and mumbling, "Wow! Fantastic…" rather loudly to herself, until she's called over to a table by a very miserable-looking Caitlin. I would blame her misery on the dance, but Caitlin's always miserable about something. Meanwhile, Arthur is dancing with Nightshirt Kid. Mr Raditch makes a deeply cringeworthy speech, in which he refers to himself as "your disc jockey, Rompin' Rockin' Raditch", and claims that he'll be playing "the kind of music YOU wanna hear". If any teacher at my school had made that speech, he would have been lucky to escape physical violence, but apparently Canadian kids are way more willing to humour this kind of behaviour, because they just laugh politely.

Back at Lucy's house, the girls are having a generic teen whinge about how their parents treat them like kids, when one twin notices the huge amount of booze on the kitchen counter. "If you want to drink, go ahead," says Lucy. "But what about your parents?" asks the other twin. "Oh, they're loose," she says. Drink! And apparently the twins are playing the Lucy's Parents Drinking Game too, because this is the signal for them to start boozing.

Just then, Steph comes down the stairs, in a pair of bright pink leggings, and you know the way leggings have to be worn with a long top, otherwise they just look kind of obscene? Well, she's not wearing a long top. (A blue boob tube and a shirt made out of one of those foil blankets they give you for shock, since you asked.) And it looks kind of obscene.

She's amazed to find the twins drinking, but when they act surprised that she's never been drunk, she insists that she has in fact been drunk lots of times, and starts swigging whiskey from a bottle. Lucy looks appropriately concerned when she realises that her friends obviously have no idea what they're doing, but she's not the meddling type.

Meanwhile, at the dance, Joey turns up in a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses, and a straw sunhat – seriously, have none of these kids ever even seen a disco on TV? Nightshirts and sunhats! Joey comes up to Wheels and theatrically smells him, claiming his aftershave smells like oven cleaner, but Wheels just smirks at him, and then foolishly lets slip that he doesn't know where Stephanie is. Joey is delighted at this, and goes over to mess with Mr Raditch's stack of records. Mr Raditch literally slaps his hand away. Ha!

At Lucy's, the girls are laughing idiotically and drinking from assorted bottles, while Lucy watches from the couch. Suddenly her mom phones. Lucy calls her mom by her first name! How daring and liberal and, dare I say, loose! She then hangs up, just in time to watch Steph downing an entire glass full of Bailey's, a sight which makes me feel vaguely queasy. Not as queasy as it will shortly make Steph, though.

Aw, how cute! Arthur's asking Voula to dance! Well, actually what they do is stand several feet apart, grin nervously at each other, and sway arrhythmically from side to side, but I suppose that's as close as two such hopeless geeks will ever get to actual dancing. A briefly non-miserable Caitlin is dancing with Joey, straw sunhat and all. Wheels is sulking at a table.

Outside, the girls are stumbling drunkenly towards the school, bellowing the school song. Steph falls over at one point. Alexa is sulking outside the door in a power suit for some reason, and Spike and Shane are having what looks like a Deep Talk in the hallway. I've seen real grown-up TV shows, made on actual budgets, that could learn a few things about foreshadowing from this show.

Finally, the girls make it into the gym, and Steph sleazes over to Wheels. Her greeting is a classic: "Oh Wheeeels, you're SO SEXY! …Are you wearing mosquito repellent?" Meanwhile Lucy explains to Voula that Steph's "been drinking", conveniently neglecting to mention that she's the one who supplied her with unlimited hard liquor.

Mr Raditch announces something called the "Annual Degrassi Junior High Crazy Dance". Cue some obstinately sane jumping up and down from the kids. It turns out that jumping wildly while spinning your head around really fast is sort of a bad idea when you're incredibly drunk, because Steph suddenly stops and runs off, with her hand to her mouth. The girls follow her into the bathroom, just in time to hear some deeply unpleasant vomiting noises from one of the cubicles.

Back in the gym, Wheels resignedly goes back to his Sulkin' Table.

Steph is done throwing up and is now washing her face. She looks at herself in the mirror (she's even more terrifying than usual, due to the goth-style smudged mascara) and mumbles that she'll never be able to face Wheels again. A twin unhelpfully points out that she'd "better get better real quick" because she has to present this confusing foster-sponsorship cheque. People always get better when you tell them to get better. But strangely, the only effect it has on Steph is to make her sit down on the floor in a pool of self-pity and whine, "Somebody else has to do it! …Somebody? Please?" The twins look at her in a half-heartedly pitying way that makes it very clear they have no intention of helping. Worse still, Lucy suddenly decides she hasn't facilitated enough trouble tonight, and runs off to get Voula.

Just now, Voula's in the midst of some passionate slow-dancing with Arthur. Unfortunately, it's time for her to leave, or her clothes will magically turn back into plaid monstrosities. And thus ends the only action either of these two will ever get. Anyway, she's grabbed on her way out by Lucy, who ignores her protests and drags her off to the toilets.

Dun-dun-dun! Papa Stalin is pulling up outside.

Steph is still on the bathroom floor, looking angsty, when Voula and Lucy come in. Voula is making a snide remark about how Stephanie is "good at making speeches", but Lucy just points at Steph and says, "But look. She's so sick." The word is drunk, Lucy. D-R-U-N-K. Drunkety drunk drunk drunk.

Ethnic Dad gets out of his car and goes into the school building. Shane and Spike are now sitting on the steps, and he's got his arm around her. Stalin shoots them a dirty look; for once, his distrust of lecherous North American youth is not misplaced. Inside the gym, he sees more horrors. There are kids slow-dancing! To some pretty awful music! And a disco ball! Those things are an invitation to sin. Ms Avery goes up onto the stage with a hairy charity guy in a tweed suit, and asks for a big round of applause for Stephanie. Lucy runs up and gives her some kind of cover story, and Ms Avery, apparently used to last-minute drunken emergencies of this kind, cheerfully announces Voula instead. Nobody seems to have noticed Stalin, who's lurking at the back of the hall. We can only see the back of his head, but it looks pissed.

Voula makes a very sweet speech about how she and her classmates raised money for charity to show that kids aren't selfish, and are aware of the problems of the wider world, etc. Now, in any normal TV show, this is where they'd cut to Voula's dad, his icy stony heart melting out of its icy stony ways when he sees that his daughter is a good kid really, and only disobeyed him for a good cause, and we'd be all set for a heartwarming reconciliation. But this is Degrassi Junior High, and he's an Ethnic Dad, and he's just stomping steadily towards the podium with a Face o'Doom that makes me want to yelp in terror and hide behind the couch. Impressively, Voula manages to hold it together long enough to finish her speech, at which point he grabs her arm and drags her out of the room. Classy guy.

Back in the bathroom, Stephanie's alone and barefoot on the floor in the dark, the sound of a dripping tap adding some extra squalor to the scene, like it wasn't squalid enough already.

Voula and her dad are arguing out in the hall. Voula claims that "everyone else in the whole world gets to go to dances", which suggests she maybe isn't so up on the Third World as her speech would have us believe.

Lucy comes in to check on Steph, who's really milking this. Lucy offers to let Steph come home with her to get changed into her normal clothes, and I can't decide if she's being way nicer than Steph deserves or is just desperate for company because her parents are deadbeats.

Out in the hall, Stalin is yelling, "Your mama didn't go to dance till she vas sixteen!" Voula sensibly points out that it's no longer the 1890s and they are no longer living in Generic Eastern European Country, but Ethnic Dads have no time for Canadian logic. Even when she points out that the dance was for a good cause, he answers, "You lied, Voula. That cannot change!" Ah, ethnic dads. Old-fashioned to the last.

"I feel like such a broomhead," moans Stephanie, who's apparently progressed to the "eerily lucid self-awareness" stage of drunkenness. Lucy helps her out of the bathroom and down the hall, while Stephanie rambles about phoning everyone to apologise for her actions (wow, she's skipped straight to the "joining a 12-step programme" stage) and getting her mother to make her cocoa. Which I think will only make her more sick, but I don't really care as long as we don't have to hear her vomit again.

The girls walk away, and we're left with an unutterably bleak shot of the hallway in semi-darkness, a banner for the dance on the wall and deflating balloons discarded on the floor. It's a heartbreaking visual metaphor for all the shattered girlish hopes and dreams of what this dance would be, and, by extension, for everything tragic and disappointing in this world.

They really could have picked a better image to freeze on for the end credits.

Dubious lesson of the week: Ethnic families are old-fashioned, and the fathers are brutal autocrats with hearts of stone, fists of iron, and moustaches of pure hate. If you lie to your parents for a good cause, don't think that'll change anything: they'll still be mad at you when they find out. Also, if you get unspeakably drunk before you have to give a speech, you'll probably spend the evening vomiting – but there'll be some minion you can guilt-trip into covering for you, so try not to worry too much.