S02 E04 – Great Expectations

The episode opens in the school office, where Liz and her mother are talking to Secretary Doris. Liz is supposed to be a new student now, even though she appeared as an extra in season 1. (I pay attention to these things so you don’t have to.) As Liz complains in a deep monotone about how her old school was better, and her haggard-looking mother scolds her, Steph runs in to make an announcement for the student council, and indirectly to remind us all that the student council is still a thing. She and Liz size each other up and exchange menacing looks, and Liz starts kvetching to her mother about how everyone at Degrassi is “a preppy”.

Yeah, except preppies wear sweater vests, and boat shoes, and polo shirts in bland neutrals, and that kind of stuff. Whereas Steph is wearing a red bustier, a blue miniskirt, and a big silver belt, with assorted red, white and blue accessories and terrifying amounts of blue eyeshadow, and overall she looks like it’s Halloween and she’s going as Sexed-up Wonder Woman. This outfit is many things, but preppy is not one of them.

As her mother lectures her about giving Degrassi a chance, we hear Mr Lawrence saying, “Don’t you ever pull a stunt like that again!” (His voice is so badly dubbed in that he sounds like he’s speaking over the PA as usual, which is pretty confusing to watch.) Joey is backing out of the principal’s office, apologising insincerely. Before he can leave, Doris calls him over, and says, “This is Liz O’Rourke. She’s joining your class. Maybe you could show her to Mr Raditch’s room?” Joey’s mouth says, “Yeah! Sure!”, but his expression says, “If by ‘Mr Raditch’s room’ you mean my pants.”

He bows elaborately to Liz, and busts out his old catchphrase: “Joey Jeremiah, chairman of the welcoming committee, at your service.” Steph rolls her eyes, but Liz seems kind of amused. As he leads her into the corridor, he tells her, “You’re talking to the number one cool guy here at Degrassi.” “Yeah?” Liz asks, in a voice that suggests she may actually believe him. Perhaps she is not the sharpest pencil in the box.

“Yeah!” he answers, looking understandably surprised that this line worked. “So, um, wanna go out?”

And thus the theme of the episode is established: Teenage Boys Are Horny. Apparently we need a TV show to teach us this.

After the opening credits, it’s another day, and everyone’s arriving at school. The Zit Remedy guys are complaining about how Simon’s a narbo because he’s quit their band to play soccer. So ends a plotline nobody cared about ever. As Liz shuffles angstily by, Joey asks the others what they think of her; Snake calls her weird, and Wheels calls her quiet. Her alleged weirdness is manifest in her short punk haircut and her two layered tank tops, à la Kate in the early seasons of Lost. This is extremely low-level weirdness. 1980s Canada is a tame, tame place.

Liz goes into the school building, giving Joey a sort of spacey smile on her way in, and when she’s gone he asks the other guys, “Do you think she does it? She looks like she does it.” Wow, wearing tank tops will really get you a reputation in Canada. Wheels, whose mullet is getting truly magnificent these days, briefly gets all sensible-feminist and asks what a girl who does it is supposed to look like, but Joey insists he’s heard “stuff” about Liz. Since he has no more details than that, we can only assume it’s Horny Boy wishful thinking.

When the others try to walk off, he calls them back, then asks, “Do you guys ever think about really having sex?” They take this poorly-phrased question in completely good faith, obviously consider lying, then admit that they think about it “a bit”. Joey says he thinks about it all the time, and the others are disgusted and brand him a sick, sex-crazed pervert.

I’m pretty sure that certain aspects of this conversation are not true to how 15-year-old boys actually behave.

Inside the building, Liz walks to the girls’ toilet while everybody stares at her because she is a tank-top-wearing hussy. Over the PA, Mr Lawrence announces that next week is Safety Week, for at least the third time since the show started.

In the library, Arthur is furtively reading an anatomy book, but tries to hide it when Yick appears. I get a horrible sinking feeling that whatever about next week, this week is going to be Profoundly Uncomfortable Teen Sexuality Week at Degrassi. Just like most weeks.

OMG YOU GUYS. Behind them on a bookshelf are not one but two copies of Damon King’s autobiography. A “celebrity” memoir written by a D-lister who picked up a 14-year-old student at the launch of said memoir has to be one of the all-time most inappropriate pieces of reading material ever found in a school library. This is right up there with… most of the other books in the Degrassi library.

Anyway, Yick asks Arthur why he’s acting weird lately, and Arthur immediately… well, I was going to say “spills”, but that’s a very unfortunate choice of word under the circumstances. He admits he’s worried about all the “really weird” dreams he’s been having lately, and that when he wakes up, he “leaks”. (Words cannot express how awkward I feel describing this scene.) Hilariously, Yick practically shouts, “Oh, you mean wet dreams!!!” earning them a death glare from Kathleen.

Arthur despondently mutters, “I think I’m turning into a sex maniac,” and if they ever made Degrassi merchandise, I hope that line got put on a T-shirt. Yick dives for Arthur’s anatomy book, and looks shocked by what he sees in it, even though he’s only looking at a drawing of a vertebra. Yick is a delicate flower.

Steph’s on her way to Bathroom of Skanky Transformations. Alex runs after her, and tells her that he’s been “thinking about the financial problems of the student council” and he wants to tell her some ideas he’s had. She nods politely, says that’s really nice, and immediately goes to hide in the bathroom because he’s not attractive. He stands outside the door and hangs his head.

Inside the bathroom, Steph finds Spike moping in front of the mirror, and asks what she’s doing. “Getting fat,” says Spike. What, like, right this minute? In a wholly uncharacteristic display of human decency, or maybe just because Spike’s wearing an extremely baggy T-shirt/waistcoat combo, Steph says she can’t see any change in her.

“I can,” Spike insists. “Being pregnant sure changes everything.” Got that, girls? Being pregnant will make you fat, and I guess change some other stuff, too, but mainly IT WILL MAKE YOU FAT.

As Steph changes into her Hideous Skankwear (blue bustier, pink miniskirt, and the communal diamante belt), Spike asks why she’s dressing like that again, and Steph says, “I’m going to make Simon notice me if it kills me.” Which it quite possibly will, if she insists on running around the frozen wastes of Canada half-naked like this.

Just then, there’s a flushing sound and Liz emerges from a cubicle. Spike gives her one of her trademark blank stares. and I really haven’t the remotest idea what she’s trying to express with it, but Steph gives her an impressively obnoxious smirk. Rather than just clocking her, Liz asks what she’s looking at, and Steph is all, “I love your hair. You must tell me who does it.” Kind of a bitchy thing to say when standing right next to Spike, who has the most insane hair of all time, but hey, it’s Steph. Bitchy is kind of her deal.

“Well at least I don’t get dressed in the washroom so Mom doesn’t know how I dress at school,” Liz dronemumbles, and flounces off. “Oh, good comeback!” Steph calls, but her sarcasm is undermined by the fact that it actually was a pretty good comeback.

“What a sleaze,” she says, because you can’t say “slut” on kids’ TV. “I bet she does it.” Then she turns around and remembers that she’s talking to Spike, whose defining characteristic is the fact that she once did it, and her face is literally like the :-O emoticon. “I mean, not like you! You made a mistake, right?” Steph rolls her eyes and turns to go.

Apparently not content with the hole she’s gotten herself into, Steph continues to dig: “I heard something happened where she used to live, to do with sex, and that’s why she moved here.”  OK, so theoretically this could be the same extremely vague rumour Joey’s talking about, but it could also be Mean Girl wishful thinking, which says that if you don’t have enough dirt on your enemies you can just make some up.

“Why do people who look different always have stories made up about them?” asks Spike. “I dunno,” says Steph cheerfully, “but I bet it’s true. If you ask me, she dresses very… provocative.” Spike just shakes her head and leaves.

OK, we need to talk about tank tops. If I may be blunt, Steph is showing about three times as much skin as Liz. If anyone in this school is dressing provocatively, and by extension allegedly “looks like she does it”, it is most assuredly Steph (who, lest we forget, previously attempted to do it). So what the hell is it about tank tops, and fairly modest ones by the standards of tank tops, that has everybody treating Liz so weirdly? Is Steph just meant to be the biggest hypocrite of all time, or were ill-fitting bustiers really more acceptable schoolwear than tank tops in those days? I do not understand 1980s Canada at all.

Later, in class, Mr Raditch is going on about some history project the kids have to do… in pairs. As everyone whoever  went to school (or watched TV shows about school) knows, pair work is just an excuse for awkward attempts at flirting. Right on cue, as Mr Raditch tells the class to choose their own partners, Joey gives Liz a “How you doin’?? face. Unfortunately, she can’t actually see it because he’s two rows behind her.

When the bell goes and everyone leaves, Liz is glacially slow at packing up to go, so Joey has a chance to catch her alone. He asks if she wants to be partners, and she says sure, and he seems completely astounded. Obviously she hasn’t heard much about him yet. They agree to meet after lunch in the resource centre, which I guess is Canadian for library. This would all seem like good light-hearted fun, except that the background music is all threatening, so you know it’ll all end in trauma and lesson-learning.

Out in the corridor, Steph and the twins are mumbling about some “plan” of hers. But they’re waylaid by Alex, who wants to talk to Steph about holding an art show to raise money. Steph is instantly pissed off, because Alex is still not attractive. Just then Simon approaches, and she fixes Alex with a terrifying stare and tells him to beat it. It wouldn’t be so scary, except for all the blue eyeshadow, which gives her a sort of panto witch vibe.

As Alex gets increasingly agitated about fundraising, Steph completely ignores him and throws all her textbooks in a pile at Simon’s feet, in the hope that he’ll pick them up. Alex immediately crouches down to get them, still talking about the student council, and Simon is just weirded out by the whole thing. After a minute of awkward staring, he shrugs and walks off.

Steph grabs her books from Alex, and she and the twins walk away, turning to give him matching evil stares. “What did I do?” he whimpers. He failed to be attractive, is what.

Out on the steps, Yick and Arthur are eating bananas and talking about penises, and I refuse to believe this is a coincidence. Yick loudly insists that Arthur’s, um, issue is probably normal, and suggests asking Arthur’s dad for advice, but Arthur’s worried he’d think he was a pervert. Yick just shrugs at this, which probably doesn’t do much to ease Arthur’s paranoia.

A few feet away, Liz is looking tortured and eating yogurt, as one does. Spike comes over and tries to make nice, and Liz complains about how judgmental everyone at Degrassi is, then asks if Spike’s really pregnant. Lovely segue. Really smooth. “I’m never gonna get pregnant,” she volunteers. “NEVER.” Well, this is just about the most uncomfortable attempt at befriending ever, but Spike is apparently a glutton for punishment, so she stays to hear Liz whine some more about how popular she was at her old school and how much Degrassi sucks donkey balls. I’m paraphrasing slightly.

Meanwhile, a bunch of random other characters are throwing baseballs to each other, in a blatant attempt to appeal to US audiences. Wheels and Snake complain that Joey’s throwing the ball too fast, or something, and Joey for some reason theorises that his exciting ball-throwing techniques will convince Liz to have sex with him, because that’s what girls like. He then makes a very bad joke about threesomes. I mean, it’s not offensive or anything, it’s just shite.

Everyone laughs at him, and Snake teases him for being a virgin (in the campest voice ever, for some reason), which is pretty odd considering none of them have had, like, any action ever. Joey reacts by attempting to kill Snake with the baseball.

In Ms Avery’s classroom, Melanie is talking to an extremely small non-speaking extra. Well, not so much talking as bombarding her with statistics about menstrual cycle length that the writers clearly copy-pasted from the ‘80s version of Wikipedia, which I guess was just an encyclopaedia. “Melanie, where do you get this stuff?” asks Kathleen, who no doubt disapproves of menstrual cycles on principle.

Melanie looks blank and forgets her line for a second, then answers, “Doctor Sally, of course.” She explains that Doctor Sally has a radio phone-in for teens called “Talking Sax With Sally.”

Kathleen thinks it sounds disgusting, which seems like an extreme reaction to a show about saxophones, but it turns out that Melanie just talks really really Canadian, and the show is about sex. Unfortunately, Yick overhears and shows a little too much interest in the show, and the class instantly decides he has sexual problems. And thus starts a lifetime of psychological scarring for Yick.

In the resource centre, Liz is angsting that she can’t figure out who won the War of 1812. An all-too-common teen problem. Joey just gazes at her and says he really likes her hair. She gets all embarrassed, but he keeps on about he’s “dazzled” by her beauty, which bit of unintentional Twilight foreshadowing eventually gets an awkward, buck-toothed giggle out of her. Aaaaw yeah, he’s totally in there.

When the bell goes, Liz says that they haven’t got much of their project done, so they’d better meet up later and figure out who did win the War of 1812. They can’t meet at Joey’s house, because his grandparents are there and it’s “a total zoo” (Joey’s grandparents must be more exciting than most grandparents). Liz says they can go to her house, and that her mom won’t be there. Joey, with the depth of delusion that only a teenager with a crush can muster, immediately interprets this as “come over to my house and we can bone like it’s going out of fashion”.

He immediately goes to Snake and Wheels and tells them that Liz invited him over “to study”. Nobody considers the possibility that this might actually mean he’s invited over to study, minus the quotation marks. The guys do a Troy-and-Abed-and-Pierce-worthy three-way high-five.

Later, in the hallways, Yick badgers Arthur into calling Doctor Sally’s show that night, but neither of them wants to call from their houses in case their parents hear and decide they’re irredeemable sex monsters. I guess Yick’s parents would tend to be paranoid about that, considering their older son has a swamp sex robot fetish.

Meanwhile Steph has decided to just ask Simon out instead of playing insane mind games. Heather floats the possibility that he might say no because he actually likes Alexa, but Erika thinks this is far-fetched and ridiculous. There’s such a thing as being too supportive, Erika.

Just then, Simon conveniently appears. He is wearing leggings and a giant sweatshirt. Did guys actually wear leggings in the 80s, outside of exercise videos? It’s not a good look. Steph tries to ask him out, but Alex runs over in his sports uniform and cockblocks her yet again by telling him to go get changed for a soccer match that’s about to start. Aaaaugh, the uniform involves hot pants WHYYYY. Steph clops angrily away on her giant high heels, and the twins laugh hysterically, because their friend’s pain is so funny. Well, it is, I guess, but they’re still mean.

After school, Liz gives Joey her address, and he tells her he’ll be over later, then explains with a leer that he’s “got some stuff to do”. And by stuff, he means her. When he’s gone, she calls Spike over and they discuss him. Liz says she thinks he’s sort of funny and sort of nice, which is a pretty ringing endorsement since she hates everything else in the world. Spike, as usual, reacts by looking vaguely troubled.

Meanwhile, Joey runs over to Wheels and asks for the ill-fated condoms he bought for his date with Steph. Wheels reminds him that they used them all as water bombs, which strongly suggests that the guys aren’t really grown-up enough to use them for their actual purpose.

“D’you want to come buy some with me?” Joey asks. Wheels gapes and mumbles that he has to study, which is rapidly becoming his extremely dull catchphrase. He tries to go, but Joey runs after him and asks, “When you and Steph were almost gonna do it, were you a little nervous?” Wheels smiles with the world-weariness of a guy who almost got laid that one time, admits that he was “a lot nervous”, and suggests that maybe Joey shouldn’t do this.

“I’ve got to!” Joey insists. “I’m fourteen! I’m in the eighth grade! I haven’t even had a real date yet.” All solid reasons to keep it in your pants, but I guess he’s using Horny Boy logic again, whereby all facts are arguments in support of having sex.

“What if she doesn’t want to?” Wheels asks, for some reason deciding to be the lone, cranky voice of reason in this episode. “The way she dresses?” Joey responds. So, now tank tops not only mean that you do it, but specifically that you want to do it with Joey Jeremiah. He also points out that she laughs at his jokes, which admittedly you wouldn’t do just because they were funny, but still his evidence is pretty poor, which Wheels is harsh/sensible enough to point out. As he slopes off homewards, Joey yells, “Are you sure you can’t come buy some condoms?”, which is really not the sort of thing most people shout out in public.

Meanwhile, Liz arrives at her home, where everything is extremely messy because they just moved in, and extremely brown because it’s 1987. Her mom’s disembodied, weirdly dubbed voice asks how school was, and Liz monotones that it was boring and “this guy” is coming over later to work on a project.

Liz’s mom actually appears at this point, and she is dressed in some kind of weird red dirndl thing. I can only assume she works at some kind of Oktoberfest theme bar or something. She puts up a token protest against Liz having random boys over unchaperoned, then decides that it’s OK because at least she’s making friends. She would probably retract this if she knew that said friend is a Horny Boy in a crocheted fedora.

Well, I call that some pretty half-assed parenting. If Liz isn’t actually likely to have sex with randomers as soon as she’s left alone, her mum is making too much fuss about this. If she is likely to have sex with randomers etc., then her mum is making way too little fuss. But it’s either fuss-worthy or it isn’t; just making a small fuss and then being like “Oh well, at least you won’t spend the afternoon alone” is just kind of lousy.

Anyway, her mom leaves for the Swiss maid fetish bar or wherever, and Liz preens in the mirror, which takes very little time because she has minimal makeup and almost no hair.

Meanwhile, Joey’s out trying to buy condoms alone. He’s avoided the rookie mistake of buying them at Steph’s mother’s shop, and is in a big supermarket, trying to blend in, because 14-year-old boys do supermarket shops all the time. He’s doing that thing where you try to cover up your embarrassing purchase with lots of normal ones, such as toilet paper and toothpaste and crisps. As a former shop assistant, I can tell you that this never works, and just makes the staff laugh at you afterwards.

Meanwhile, there’s a special offer being announced over the PA system, and I swear hand on heart that this is what the woman says: “There’s a shiny toilet roll pencil, regularly $2.99, now on sale for only a dollar 99. Remember, it isn’t clean unless it’s shiny clean.”

I… I have no words. And I profoundly do not want to know what a “toilet roll pencil” is.

Having stocked up on assorted grocery items, Joey gets to the condom section. He’s perusing a box of Sheiks when some grandad in a lumberjack shirt looks at him in horror and disgust, so he flings the box into his trolley and then throws in a gigantic box of Tampax to look casual. He then realises this probably won’t help in the embarrassment stakes, and hastily shoves the Tampax back on a random shelf. Heh.

At the checkout, the guy is… I want to say scanning Joey’s purchases, only he isn’t, because I guess they didn’t scan stuff in those days? and I literally don’t know what verb to use instead. He’s [whatever they did before everything had barcodes] Joey’s purchases. Conservative Lumberjack Grandad is behind Joey in the queue, and he and his conservative polyester-clad wife are traumatised all over again by the condoms on the conveyor belt.

The checkout guy picks up the condoms and says they’re supposed to be on special offer. Joey starts panicking, but the guy calls someone over to check for him, and it’s the same woman who busted Lucy and Voula for shoplifting from Sparkly Scarves 'R Us. She seems to have had a sense of humour transplant since then, because she clearly finds Joey’s plight hilarious.

Joey begs the man to just charge him the full price already, but the guy is just screwing with him at this point, and insists, “Come on, it won’t take a minute.” The conservative old-folks look ever more disapproving.

The shop lady comes back and trollfaces that the condoms are indeed marked down. Joey pays and leaves, stopping in the doorway to glower at his hilarious tormentors.

Meanwhile, back in the world’s ickiest subplot, Yick and Arthur are in a phone booth listening to Dr Sally on the radio. In a spectacular coincidence, she’s going on about how sex is a big decision that shouldn’t be rushed into. Arthur turns bright red at the phrase “sexual intercourse” and asks, “Can they say that on the radio?” Clearly, hip-hop had not yet arrived in Canada.

The guys argue over whether or not to call, and eventually Arthur gives in and dials. Dr Sally is now talking about how you can’t tell if a girl is “an easy lay” by the way she dresses, EVEN IF SHE’S A PUNK. I see what you did there, Degrassi writers. Because it was extremely unsubtle.

On a completely unrelated note, Joey arrives at Liz’s house and grins lecherously at it. Yes, even a house can be sexy when you’re a Horny Boy. Before ringing the bell, he opens the box of condoms and stashes one in his shirt pocket, because turning up for a homework session with just one condom is so much less skeevy. He leaves the bag of groceries out of view of the front door and rings the bell.

Liz lets him in and offers him a drink. He’s up for sex with someone he hardly knows, but is totally shocked by the idea of drinking alcohol. Luckily for his delicate sensibilities, she just means a soda.

Back in the phone box, the boys are on hold and Dr Sally is soothing somebody’s anxieties about losing their virginity. Arthur is still freaking out in case Melanie recognises his voice. Finally, they’re put through but Arthur is too scared to talk, so Yick grabs the phone, gabbles, “I’vegotafriendwho’stwelveyearsoldhegetsalotofwetdreamsisheapervert?” and hangs up.

The guys start to argue again, but they’re quickly distracted by Dr Sally announcing, in a relaxation-tape voice, that wet dreams are a normal symptom of puberty, “so tell your friend he’s not a pervert, he’s not an animal out of control…” Wait, what? Nobody suggested he was an animal out of control!

Anyway, Arthur doesn’t stop to think about what an odd, disturbing thing she just said, and when she says that wet dreams are “the body’s way of relieving sexual tension”, he and Yick high-five, which is pretty weird all round. I really don’t think guys usually high-five each other about their wet dreams.

At Liz’s house, she’s droning on about the War of 1812, which, in her considered assessment, was “totally dumb”. Eventually she notices that Joey is looking pallid and sweaty, and asks him what’s up. “Liz, do you wanna do it?” he asks. He sure doesn’t mess around. You’d think this was pretty unambiguous, but Liz is all, “Do what?” because this scene wasn’t quite awkward enough already.

“Sex!” says Joey. As ominous synth music plays, he pulls out the condom and sweet-talks the hell out of her: “I want it, you want it, let’s do it.” Liz looks completely disgusted, but Joey throws his last shred of dignity to the winds and actually starts begging. “Please,” he says. “I really want to.” Amazingly, this does not convince her.

Liz gets angry, but the actress who plays her is completely unable to emote, so she monotones at him about how she thought he was different and guys are perverts and she hates him, and she sounds like a robot. She emotionlessly throws him out of the house, and he actually stops to collect his bag of groceries before leaving. Well, I guess they can use the remaining condoms for more water bombs.

Liz sadly goes back in the living room and lies on the couch to ponder the perfidy of Horny Boys.

The camera slowly zooms in on her giant book about the War of 1812, with the discarded condom lying on top of it. I’m not sure what this shot is meant to communicate, except possibly that condoms, like the War of 1812, are totally dumb. Good to know, Degrassi writers!

Also, Liz should really get rid of that before her mother gets home from the Munich Putsch reenactment.

Next morning, the background music is back to being perky again, as it always is, regardless of whatever traumatic shit just went down. Liz is sadly walking to school, dressed in a baggy grey Lonsdale T-shirt and denim pedal-pushers, which I think is meant to indicate that she’s been scared into dressing more conformist, but for all I know maybe grey T-shirts had some scandalous cultural significance back then.

Wheels runs over to Joey and asks how yesterday went. Joey explains, in tones of disbelief, “She didn’t want to do anything.” Well, technically she wanted to work on her history project, but perhaps that doesn’t count. “Is she mad?” asks Wheels.

For some reason, a baby starts crying in the background at this point. No idea why.

Joey looks at Liz, who gives him a punk death glare, and he concludes that she is, in fact, mad. As the chirpy end credit music starts up, Joey moans, “Wheels, you know what’s the worst? I really like her.” The credits roll, and we freeze on his woebegone, unibrowed, pimply face.

OK, so, condoms. There have been three episodes so far where someone tried to have sex. When Wheels and Joey decided to be responsible and buy condoms, they got judged by the elderly and also failed to have any sex whatsoever. Shane didn’t bother with lame-ass things like contraception, and he totally got laid. (I mean, sure he got Spike pregnant and now their lives are sort of fucked up, and the sex apparently wasn’t very good, but I’m pretty sure it still counts as a win according to Horny Boy Logic.)

In conclusion: this show is messed up.

Dubious Lessons of the Week: Wet dreams are normal and should be discussed in detail with friends and local radio presenters. Vertebrae, on the other hand, are shocking. Contrary to apparently popular belief, just because a girl wears a tank top doesn’t mean she will automatically have sex with you. Even if you beg. The War of 1812 was totally dumb. Attempting to have safe sex will only lead to you being judged and embarrassed and, worst of all, sexually frustrated.

S01 E13 – Revolution!

Joey's hanging out in the hallway, just chillin'. He says hi to Snake and reminds him about a band rehearsal tomorrow. So, the guys are still in that terrible band from last week. And he says hi to Spike, to remind us that she still exists and this show is still edgy as fuck. Just then, Steph walks by with the twins, and in a desperate attempt to impress her, Joey does that thing where you run and then fall onto your knees and slide across the floor really fast. Unfortunately he crashes into her and makes her drop all her stuff, so while he's babbling about being "Joey L. Jeremiah, L for Lover", she's irately picking books up off the floor. She tells him to go jump in a lake, and he semi-seriously asks, "Which one?", at which point he crosses a line and is suddenly pitiable rather than annoying.
Desperate to get rid of his last remnants of dignity, Joey (still kneeling on the floor) insists, "I'm a great guy once you get to know me! And I'm your slave! Whatever you want, I will do!" Steph says she wants him to leave her alone, and walks off. "So, see you later?" he calls after her. "Maybe we could go out some time?" I hate the Degrassi writers for temporarily making me feel sorry for him.

"Can you imagine going out with him?" Steph asks the twins. "I thought you liked Joey," says… one of them, I'm not sure which, because they're both dressed identically frumpy today. "He's funny and all," says Steph, "but not the kind of guy I'd go out with." And we go straight into the opening credits. So… Joey fancies Steph, and has no self-respect, and Steph has high, high standards. Got it.

Next day, I guess? Everyone's walking into school, and they're all bundled up in coats and scarves. Erika is freaking out about an upcoming English exam that Mr Raditch is giving. "Just study!" says Heather. "I'm not studying," snaps Steph, sensible as always. "It'll probably be on something like Shakespeare," says Erika, in a voice that suggests she's aiming for comic exaggeration, but you know what? It's an eighth-grade English exam, and we've actually seen them studying "Hamlet". I'd bet it's pretty reasonable to expect that Shakespeare will, in fact, be on the paper. Just sayin'.

So, Steph, she of the high standards, has finally sighted a man good enough for her. He is, of course, Wheels, whose mullet is looking especially mullety today, who plays keyboard in the worst teen band in Canada, and who is wearing a navy reindeer sweater. She fixes him with that praying-mantis mating stare of hers. Erika tells her to "put [your] eyes back in their sockets," and Steph claims, "I can't help it if I'm in love." Bad news, guys: the concept of love has now been irreparably defiled.

Meanwhile, on some staircase somewhere, Yick and Arthur and Melanie and Kathleen are studying. Arthur asks where the Zambezi river is. "Easy, it's in Africa!" says Yick. "The whole test is about Africa," says Kathleen. Heh. I think this episode is the only time we see Kathleen interact with Arthur and Yick, which is sort of a pity, because their general stupid behaviour would probably be a lot more entertaining if she was around to bitch at them.

Just then, Steph and the twins come down the stairs, and Steph stands there and ahems until the kids move out of their way. Arthur tries to say hello, but is ignored, for the thousandth time. The twins grin at her evil behaviour. Even Heather.

"She's not exactly the friendliest sister in the world," says Arthur unnecessarily. Seriously: everyone just saw him getting brutally snubbed, and the dignified thing to do would be not to mention the incident. Kathleen watches Steph and the twins disappear into the Bathroom of Skanky Transformations, and complains, "We have got the worst-dressed school president in the whole country!" I don't know, it is the '80s. I'm sure there's some stiff competition.

Arthur listens meekly as the others tear his sister to shreds. Kathleen complains that ever since former sports rep Jason Cox left, bless his sexist heart, Steph hasn't bothered to find a replacement. Melanie suggests that Yick (who's conveniently messing around with a basketball, in case we'd forgotten that aspect of his character) would be a good sports rep. Kathleen agrees, in possibly the only recorded instance of her being nice and encouraging to a fellow human being.

In the bathroom, Steph is mid-transformation, wearing a pink bustier with the communal diamante belt and a prairie-style red skirt. (By the way, there is snow on the ground. It is not bustier weather. If such a thing exists.) "Do you think I should ask Wheels on another date?" she asks the twins. "I know our other ones have been disasters, but…" she shrugs, as if to say, "I basically don't know when to quit". Which would make her a pretty good match for Joey, in a way.

"What if he said no?" Steph worries. "I'd die of embarrassment." "How could anyone say no to Stephanie Kaye, school president?" asks Erika. As a former head of my school's student council, let me say this: contrary to popular belief, being active in school politics does not actually get you a lot of action. Just then, Steph takes off her long skirt, revealing a pair of tight black leggings. "School bombshell!" says Heather. There's something so very wrong about that phrase.

By the way, Erika is standing under an ornate Art Nouveau poster that reads "Penguin Dreams". Explanations on a postcard, please.

On the way to Mr Raditch's class, Joey and Snake are still arguing about band names. Joey wants to call the group Joey and the Jet Set. Yawn. "We already got a name!" Wheels insists. "The Zit Remedy?" Joey snaps. "You call that a name?" "We like it," says Wheels." Snake says that Joey's "other idea" is stupid, and Joey insists that there are tons of rock bands and they need to stand out. Their terrible music is pretty unique; doesn't that count for anything? "There's no way I'm eating live goldfish on stage," says Snake. As the guys sit down at their desks, Joey tells him to think of it as sushi, and insists that he'd do it himself only he has a convenient allergy to fish. This show is a lot better at unintentional hilarity.

Just then, Steph and the twins come in, and Steph sidles over to Wheels, teeth at the ready. She asks him to go to a movie that weekend. Without even considering his answer, Wheels says no, because he has to study. "Study?" she repeats in disgust. "You're not serious." Yeah, I mean, who in their right mind would pass up the chance to go on yet another bad date with Stephanie Kaye? He tells her that his last report card was bad, and he needs to do well in the exams or his parents will kill him (Wheels's academic ineptitude, by the way, will be an ongoing dull filler plot throughout the series). Steph just gives him a death glare as icy as a Canadian winter, and sweeps off to… her own desk, which unfortunately is right next to Wheels's, so it's not much of a dramatic exit. Also, everyone else totally heard this conversation: the twins are horrified, and Spike is trying very hard not to laugh. Spike never gets any funny lines, but I have to give her props for her readiness to laugh at other people's failures.

In comes Mr Raditch. He announces that he has their English exam ready, and with a Bond-villain-grade evil laugh, tells them it's "a real doozy". Proving yet again that he learned nothing from that episode about not picking on people, he specifically says that he hopes Joey's been studying, because he doesn't want him in his class next year. Wheels turns around to smile at Joey, but accidentally catches Steph's eye, and she looks like she's pondering how best to disembowel him: should she use a rusty hook, or her teeth? Hell hath no fury like a school president scorned.

Meanwhile, Ms Avery's preparing her class for their exam too. Apparently she's a geography teacher now? And still a liberal. They're being tested on "the fascinating continent of Africa", and she gives them that insincere teacher-spiel about how they don't need to be afraid of the exam, because she just wants to check on their progress. These kids are in for a horrible shock when they get to Mr Raditch's class next year.

After the bell goes, Susie comes over to Yick and tells him that she thinks he'd make a great sports rep. Melanie and Kathleen come over too, and continue to go on about how he'd be the greatest sports rep in the history of mankind, and Kathleen mentions the plot-relevant fact that sports reps always come from Grade 7. Yick meebles that he's not too good at politics, but Susie tells him, "It's not politics – it's fun! I should know, I'm vice-president." Yeah, I'm sure that's a thrill-fest. While some upbeat guitar music strikes up in the background, everyone mills around and tells him it's "good to get involved with school life", etc., and he should go tell Stephanie he wants the position.

Steph is just leaving Mr Raditch's classroom, ranting to the twins about how she's never been so embarrassed in her life. Well, she possibly shouldn't have asked Wheels out in front of the whole class. The twins bicker over whether his rejection is the absolute worst thing EVAR, or just the second-worst. Stephanie glares at Wheels, who's innocently bantering with Snake and Joey, and announces, "I'm going to make him pay for this. I don't know how, but I will." And that was the last time anyone saw Wheels alive.

Erika stares at Wheels for a minute, then says, "I bet if you were really nice to someone, Wheels would be jealous." Steph asks who she should be nice to, and Erika ponders it before naming the only other guy Steph's talked to all episode: Joey. "But how nice would I have to be to him? I wouldn't have to go out with him or anything, would I?" Steph asks. "I don't know, maybe!" says Erika unhelpfully. Heather flails ethically in the background and is completely ignored.

Just then, Yick appears behind them. He announces that they don't have a sports rep and he wants the job. Steph stares at him, looking with particular disgust at his feet for some reason, and tells him that she's busy and they'll have to talk about it next term. Yick shuffles off, and Steph rolls her eyes, confused and mildly offended by the existence of a male who wants to talk to her about something other than her own hotness.

As Yick admits to the indignant Grade Sevens that he got nowhere, Steph looks back at him, then whispers, "I have an idea."

In the auditorium, the Zit Remedy guys are practising. This is the first time we get to hear their first and only song, "Everybody Wants Something". Not only is this their only song, but it only has two lines: "Everybody wants something, they'll never give up. Everybody wants something, they'll take ya mon-ey, and never give up." The guys have improved slightly since the random instrument-punching of last episode, but they're still hitting a lot of wrong notes. Once they finish, they congratulate themselves on how excellently they played.

Just then, Steph pervs in, flirting grin turned up to the max, and immediately puts her arm around Joey (with a perfunctory sarcastic hello to Wheels). Joey looks utterly terrified. "I never see enough of you," she purrs, while fiddling with his jacket buttons. "How'd you like to be … sports rep on the student council?" Wow, she really knows how to talk dirty.

Snake butts in and points out that Joey isn't on any teams, and actually hates sports. Joey's not too pleased with this attempted cockblocking, and says that he watches sports on TV. Wheels asks if there's supposed to be an election or something, but Steph tells him in her most withering voice, "I'm school president. I can do what I want." Wow, she's gone mad with power. From being school president. That's just sad.

Wheels shakes his head in a "what did I ever see in this psycho?" sort of way, but Steph ignores him, as she's back to leching on Joey: apparently him being sports rep means they're going to have to "work veeery closely together". Joey understands this to mean that there will be hot presidential sex in his future, and is 100% in favour of this development.

Steph goes back out into the hallway, cheered on by Erika, who's always kind of a ditz but not usually this evil. Joey (who has suddenly developed a terrible bumfluff moustache) is totally psyched at having just been molested by Steph, and announces, "Joey Jeremiah never gives up – and this is what happens!". Then he plays a little flourish on the keyboard. Wheels looks pretty pissed off, but insists he's cool with the whole thing, and the guys go back to rehearsing. I think they're playing worse again.

Next day, and someone has hung a big black-and-white poster of a pair of sexy legs in one of the upstairs windows. What the hell?

Anyway, Joey's in the bathroom, gelling his eyebrows with saliva and loudly telling himself, "You devil. How can you stand to be so good looking?" Yick walks by, and looks at Joey pretty much the way you'd usually look at someone in this situation. As Yick unzips and starts peeing, with realistic splashy sound effects (WHAT THE HELL THIS SHOW IS FUCKED UP), Joey asks him, "Am I beautiful or am I beautiful?" Yick looks acutely uncomfortable and mutters that he doesn't like multiple choice. Also, that's a pretty weird thing to ask a near-stranger while they're urinating.

"If you were smart, you'd be nice to me!" says Joey. "You're talking to Degrassi Junior High's new sports rep!" Yick is pretty angry at this, and points out that Joey isn't on any teams, but Joey smarms that he's "a very close personal friend of Stephanie Kaye", and struts off. As the upbeat guitar music strikes up again, Yick glowers angrily (although he's thankfully not too angry to wash his hands) and contemplates revenge.

Steph and the twins are in Mr Raditch's classroom. Wheels and Snake come in, and Wheels casually ignores Steph and just keeps on talking to Wheels. Steph is enraged to see him getting on with his life, and gives him evils, and he is completely oblivious. By the way, Snake and Wheels are both wearing yellow sweatshirts on which they've written "The Zit Remedy !" in fabric paint. Joey's sweatshirt is neon pink, and says "alias Joey and the Jet Set" on the back. Because Joey is a tool. Anyway, Joey comes in, and Steph instantly drapes herself around him. He asks her if she wants to go out on Saturday, and she acts delighted. Wheels listens to the whole thing, shaking his head in disbelief, or jealousy, or something.

Meanwhile, Yick rushes into Ms Avery's classroom, and starts yelling at Arthur about how Steph made Joey sports rep. "Sports rep's a Grade Seven position!" says Melanie. "Joey's in Grade Eight." "The student council is supposed to be balanced!" Kathleen whines. "There's supposed to be a vote," says Caitlin, who has unwisely curled her hair this week. "This goes totally against the democratic system," says Alex sternly.

And for some reason, everyone's saying all this to Arthur. "Maybe she's got a reason for doing this?" he suggests feebly. "Whose side are you on!" shouts Yick, who's suddenly gone from being nervous at the idea of being sports rep to feeling that this position is his God-given right, and no skank in a boob tube is going to take it away from him. The whole thing instantly turns into a screaming match, until Ms Avery comes in and tells them all to be quiet and start studying. Although surely, if the exam is just a non-threatening checkup on their progress, there's no real need to study after all?

Anyway, the Grade Sevens are angry, and we next see a montage of them engaging in classic '80s-style political activism. That's right, they're putting up ornate handmade posters about how Stephanie is a terrible president. Lots and lots and lots of posters. They're also engaging in expository dialogue about how Steph only got to be president by trading votes for sexual favours, and was drunk at the big dance, and Nancy even complains about Steph not following through on her promise to introduce rock music on the PA. Ah, unfulfillable campaign promises. Welcome to politics, Nancy. And Rick is running a petition to have Stephanie impeached, and we all know how good Rick is at getting people to sign petitions.

Arthur, in a desperate attempt to smooth things over, has caught up with Steph outside the girls' bathroom, and is pointing out that the new student council is statistically unrepresentative, but she says (in an inappropriately sexy voice, ew) that seventh graders don't count, and she can handle this situation on her own. Because she's proved so adept at handling awkward situations in the past.

They're really having fun with montages in this episode. Backed by the sweet strains of "Everybody Wants Something", we now see, in quick succession: Steph dolling herself up, Steph hitting on Joey to the disgust of Wheels, and the Grade Sevens putting up yet more posters while chanting, "Out of the way with Stephanie Kaye!" This is sure to end well.

In the auditorium, the guys have just finished rehearsing. Joey thinks it was "excellent" as always, but Snake is labouring under the delusion that they might improve if they practise some more. Wheels announces that he has to go and study, Joey says the exam doesn't matter, and Wheels says he wants to pass. Get used to this scene: it will play out repeatedly throughout the series.

Snake tells Wheels to relax, and Wheels shouts very convincingly that he is relaxed. "Look, I understand how you feel, but we shouldn't stop being friends just because your girl chose me over you," Joey assholes. "A beautiful chick like Stephanie – I'd be real upset too. Then again, it wouldn't happen to me." Remind me  again why either of the other guys is friends with this tool? Wheels snaps, "Joey, you're a real jerk, you know that?" and storms out, pausing in the doorway to make some sort of Canadian Mafia fist gesture at Joey.

"What'd I say?" Joey bleats. Snake doesn't dignify this with an answer.

After the break, it's the next morning. Close-up on Mr Raditch walking in with his briefcase. For some reason, he's wearing sunglasses in the dead of winter. He chirpily greets various randomers, telling them it's a beautiful day for an exam, and asks Joey if he's "sweating yet" before breaking into a high-pitched giggle. Clearly this man became a teacher because he enjoys inflicting psychological torture on people decades younger than him. Suppose it's as good a reason as any.

In the hallways, Kathleen, Yick, Melanie, Alex, and an extra are planning to confront Stephanie after class. "She won't be expecting us!" Kathleen announces. Although really, the ten thousand handmade posters and very public anti-Stephanie petition might have given her some sort of an inkling, if she wasn't too self-absorbed to notice them.

In the library, Wheels is idly rotating a bookshelf. I mean, it's a rotating bookshelf; he's not being randomly destructive. I'm very disappointed to report that none of the titles are particularly amusing this time, although some of them are in French, so I suppose the show hadn't yet started pretending to take place in the US.

Heather and Erika are sitting at a nearby table, talking loudly. "It's not faaaaair!" Heather complains. "Steph doesn't even like Joey!" (Wheels starts listening in from behind the bookshelf.) "Sure she does… sort of," says Erika weakly. In case any hidden listeners aren't entirely up to speed on the situation, Heather helpfully reminds Erika, "But not in the way he thinks she likes him. She's only using him to get back at Wheels for not going out on the date." "All's fair in love and war!" answers Erika, whose idea this whole thing was, so I suppose she would tend to defend it.

Anyway, Erika decides that since Heather has a vague shred of concern for Joey's feelings, she must totally have the hots for him, and the conversation degenerates into bickering. The elusive Ms Baxter tells them to be quiet, and Wheels sneaks out while they're distracted. He looks solemn, or maybe he's just sleepy.

Meanwhile, in the classroom, Mr Raditch is digging frantically through his desk drawers. Eventually, he realises that everyone is starting to stare at him, and he gives them all the frowning of a lifetime, then gets up and walks to the door with a strained grin, then breaks into a run, actually skating along the hall floor at one point, and nearly elbowing Wheels in the face. Wheels shakes his head at Raditch in disgust, apparently having lost the last remnants of his faith in humanity.

Once he gets to the classroom, Wheels gets straight to business. He sits down in front of Joey and announces, "Stephanie's using you. She's just pretending to like you so that I'll get jealous." Joey calls him pathetic, and Wheels said he heard Heather and Erika talking about it. "Really nice – trying to mess me up just before an exam. Thanks a lot, Wheels. Some friend you are," snaps Joey. Yeah, when Joey doesn't make it to Harvard, it's going to be all Wheels's fault.

Just then, Steph comes in, and says hi to Joey in her best sexy voice. Joey looks up at her distrustfully.

Hey, it's Lucy! Remember Lucy? She walks into the school office just in time to see Mr Raditch digging through a filing cabinet and arguing with Doris the School Secretary. "Of course I have a copy, but it's at home and there's no time to get it!" he shouts. So, in case you hadn't figured it out already, Raditch lost the exam paper. Hyuk hyuk.

Lucy asks Doris for a copy of her attendance records to give to her social worker. Doris goes back to the filing cabinet and shoos Mr Raditch out of the way, before getting Lucy's attendance file out of the same drawer where he was looking for the exam paper. So… they apparently keep all the school's paperwork in one drawer.

Lucy and Doris chit-chat about Lucy's upcoming court date. "I don't know how you could get yourself in such a mess," Doris says. Lucy doesn't bother explaining that it was the inevitable consequence of her mother having a high-powered job. In the background, Raditch flings a pile of paper on the floor, then runs out of the room. "Mr Raditch is acting weirder than usual," Lucy remarks, and Doris explains for the benefit of the slowest audience members that he did, in fact, lose the exam paper. Does this mean he can no longer mock Yick for being disorganised?

Ms Avery, dressed in head-to-toe pink for some reason, is handing out exam papers to the Grade Sevens. While she rambles soothingly about exam technique, Yick asks Arthur if he's going with them to gang up on Stephanie. "I guess so," says Arthur, who has obviously figured out which side he's on, and oddly enough he's not siding with the sister who lectures him on his own insignificance and won't speak to him in public.

Back in Mr Raditch's classroom, the kids are doing what fictional schoolkids always do when left unattended: throwing paper planes at each other and shouting "Wooooo!" Lucy tells Voula about Raditch losing the exam, and I'm sorry to tell you that this is the last time we'll ever see Voula: the actress who played her, Niki Kemeny, was advised by her agent to leave the show and aim for better things. And she never acted again. (Yes, seriously.) If it's any comfort, she's gone out in classic Voula style: today's peasant blouse is the frilliest one yet.

Joey's at the back of the class, getting some hasty last-minute coaching from Snake. Wheels keeps turning around and telling him to ask the twins if what he says is true. Eventually, Joey just gets up and goes over to the girls while Snake is in the middle of explaining something, but before he can ask them, Mr Raditch comes back in, clutching the exam paper, and tells him in a weirdly squeaky voice to sit down.

Raditch is hilariously dishevelled, by the way: he's taken his glasses off, his hair is a mess, his tie has been yanked loose, his scarf is hanging over one shoulder, and his shirt is untucked at the front. I would love to know what actually happened to him and who he had to beat up to get the exam paper back. He pants that he was "delayed" and asks a smirking Spike to hand out writing paper, then writes the exam questions up on the board. The camera pans slowly over the faces of the kids, while a distant choir eerily sings the school song. Everybody seems to be doing ok except for Joey, who looks utterly, utterly baffled.

Over at Ms Avery's class, the bell goes, and everyone gets up to leave. Once they're out the door, they march down towards the Bathroom of Skanky Transformations, again chanting "Out of the way with Stephanie Kaye!" Wow, her name really lends itself to catchy political slogans.

Mr Raditch (who for some reason is reading a business magazine) announces that time's up. People start to get up and leave. Steph puts her hand on Joey's neck on the way out, and giggles, "See you later, Sports Rep." He just looks disturbed. Wheels then stops by yet again to tell Joey to talk to the twins. Eventually, Joey runs up to them just before they leave the room, and asks them, "Is Stephanie using me to get Wheels jealous?" There's a long, uncomfortable pause, and Erika says no just as Heather says yes. "Sorry," Heather mumbles.

The mob is still marching down to the bathroom, and they all seem to be having fun chanting, even though they're really having trouble speaking in unison. Arthur brings up the rear, looking acutely uncomfortable.

Wheels and Snake are outside the classroom, awkwardly improvising a conversation about the exam, when Joey comes over. "Hey Wheels, you were right. So, wanna come practice?" So… I guess they're all friends again? That was easy. All Wheels had to do was destroy Joey's self-esteem!

Stephanie finally arrives at the bathroom (with Voula in tow for some reason) to find the Grade Sevens waiting for her, still chanting. "What are they saying?" asks Voula, who apparently didn't notice any of the impeachment posters either. Steph walks up to Susie and icily asks, "Yes?" "As vice-president, I formally protest the appointment of Joey Jeremiah as sports rep," says Susie, who really knows how to suck the fun out of an angry protest. Steph just smirks and answers, "Joey's qualified," in a voice that implies his qualifications are to be found in his pants.

Everyone erupts at this, and Steph looks a bit terrified. Just then, she spots Joey and calls him over: "Tell them what a great sports rep you are." Joey calls for silence, then announces that he can't be sports rep because it's a Grade Seven position. Stephanie looks at him in a way that would make most people run away screaming, but all he says is "You don't have to be nice to me any more, OK, Steph?" As the Grade Sevens cheer wildly, Joey walks off with a very smug-looking Wheels.

As sad music builds (specifically a slow, minor-key version of "Everybody Wants Something"), Steph flounces into the bathroom. The bathroom, by the way, is festooned with a caricature of a busty hooker-type, with the caption "Is this a school president?", so this may not have been the best place to go for solace. As she puts on her fugly cover-up clothes for going home in, she tells the mirror that she just wanted everybody to like her. Really? She actually thought any of her previous behaviour would make her popular? …Stephanie does not understand human interaction at all.

This is helpfully illustrated with a string of Episode 1 flashbacks, in a clumsy attempt to pad out an episode that's basically over but has a couple more minutes left to run. We see Steph being mean to Arthur, her scantily-clad election speech about how "being president is a responsibility not to be taken lightly" (I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE), her kissing all the boys in exchange for votes, Voula looking disgusted at this, Steph thanking Joey instead of Voula, and finally Voula telling Steph, "You're on your own, Miss President, you and your new image… image… image…" Yes, it actually repeats like that, and it's just as awesome/terrible as you might expect.

Oh, present-day Stephanie is crying in front of the mirror at this point. She tries to wipe her eyes with toilet tissue, which is so cheap that it makes deafening crunchy noises. Nice. There is more sad music, because it's so tragic when people's assholish behaviour comes back to haunt them.

Not that anyone cares, but I think we're meant to assume that Yick is automatically sports rep now (so much for the democratic system). Also, the Grade Sevens were so distracted by this that they forgot to actually have Steph impeached; she's still president next season.

A little later, the Grade Sevens are standing around victoriously. Arthur, by the way, is wearing a tattered mustard-coloured scarf that L.D. was wearing at the start of the episode, and which ends up on one of the twins in a later episode. Damn wardrobe department. Anyway, Steph goes by and calls out to him, asking if he wants to walk home together. He looks surprised, then goes over to her.

Arthur makes a horrible attempt at starting a conversation. "You know something? Junior high is OK. I really liked my first term. What about you?" Oh, well, considering she drove away her best friend, vomited from too much Bailey's at the school dance, got in trouble for planning to have sex with Wheels, nearly got assaulted by a perverted TV star, and just minutes ago got hounded by an angry mob, I'd say she had a ball. "I made a lot of mistakes," she understates.

She stares back at the school in silence, which gives us a minute to ponder why her home clothes all have to be three sizes too big for her. "You know what?" she announces. "Next term is gonna be completely different. I'm gonna be me." "That's great!" croaks Arthur, presumably well aware that Steph being Steph is what got them all into this mess.

"I'm even gonna try to be nicer to you!" she tells him. He asks if he can talk to her at school, and she says yes, and if they can sometimes watch the TV shows he wants to watch, and she says yes, and if he can borrow her stereo, at which she jokingly tells him not to push his luck. Oh, Steph! We all know she'll be back to crushing his spirit within a week.

And that brings us to the end of Season 1. I think you'll all agree that we've learned a lot so far, but remember: there's lots more to learn in Season 2. Marvel at how the girls love a guy with a tragic past! Swoon over the ongoing Melanie/Yick love story! Gasp at the thrilling lessons on journalistic responsibility! Learn the truth about whether epilepsy is contagious! And scratch your head in bafflement at what passed for an attractive man back in the '80s!

Also: a friend and I watched "It's Late" at the weekend, and we tried out the Degrassi Drinking Game (for science). Our findings: if you do this with red wine, you will feel extremely sick. Luckily, neither of us had to give a speech to the PTA, so it was all OK in the end.

Dubious lessons of the week: Women are deceitful and manipulative. Thirteen-year-olds really care about having a balanced student council, but fortunately they also have very short attention spans.

S01 E09 – What a Night

Lucy is strolling oh-so-casually around the world's most depressing clothes shop. La la la, walk walk walk. She stops in front of a large, portentous sign reading "Shoplifters will be prosecuted", and peruses a pile of scarves. They're her trademark kind of sparkly scarves, the ones everyone apparently found so scandalous in '80s Canada. She takes a purple one off the top of the pile, casts an incredibly unsubtle look around to make sure nobody's watching her, and stuffs it in her bag. Issue of the Week firmly established, we go straight to the opening credits.

Next day, in school, Mr Raditch is announcing an upcoming spelling test. Among the words they have to learn are "dolt", "funeral", and "salad". How stupid are these kids? Also, the words "government", "neurosurgeon", "nocturnal", "balcony", and "quiche" all somehow appear in the kids' reading assignment for the week. That sounds like fascinating, confusing reading.

In the back of the class, Steph's reading a soap magazine. When the bell rings, she leaps up out of her chair, but Raditch points and her and snaps, "Wait!", like an infinitely less perky and benign version of the woman who sings the theme song. Anyway, he's just keeping them on after the bell to exposition about how utterly, life-changingly important this spelling test is. Close-up on Lucy, looking bored, and Voula, watching her with a strange yearning. Hey, I've never seen Voula with any men! Let's start a witch-hunt!

Once Raditch finally dismisses the class, Voula runs over to tell Lucy how fabulous her scarf is. It's the one she stole earlier. "What, this old thing?" asks Lucy, who's also wearing a gigantic shirt which has tails, like a man's shirt, only no man's shirt would have such a horrible floral pattern on it, so I have no idea who this monstrosity is actually intended for. Before they can leave, Raditch calls Lucy back. "He's such a faaascist," she whispers to Voula. Yeah, calling people back after class was one of Mussolini's lesser-known crimes, but it really irritated the Italian populace after a while.

Out in the corridor, Steph's excited about some plan or other, but Heather says they have study period, and should, uh, study. Steph says someone will be keeping watch in case "Baxter" turns up, and doesn't Heather want to see "Damon King"? The girls swoon over this Damon King guy, and go into the library.

Back in the classroom, Lucy is giving Mr. Raditch a run for his money in the stinkeye department. He cuts to the chase: her marks are crap lately, and what's going on? Are there problems at home? Wow, that's original. Lucy says everything's fine, and she's probably just going through a phase. Raditch says she'd better start a new phase, or "you're going to jeopardise your entire year", which seems to be Canadian for "you might fail and get kept back", rather than "everyone in your year will die horribly if you don't learn to spell". But I could be wrong – maybe Canadian schools are really hardcore, and use decimation as a punishment? Anyway, Lucy's not interested in having this conversation, so eventually Raditch reluctantly lets her go. Faaaascist.

In the library, everyone's watching TV, which is what Steph was so excited about before. Wow, TV! Specifically, they're watching a soap called "Days of Passion", Canada's answer to "Invitation to Love". We see a brief clip of the show, and it's fantastic, seeing as it has even lower production values than Degrassi itself. Some horribly ugly mulleted guy (the Damon King the girls were squeeing over earlier), and an emotionless woman with '80s Playboy Playmate hair, are discussing their forbidden love; there is much bandying about of lines like "If only we were free to follow our hearts!" and "We can't do this to Amanda and Harvey!" and even "Hush, my sweet." "Amanda", of course, is in a coma, because broadcasting laws state that all soaps must have at least one character in a coma at all times.

Nearly all the girls in the library are completely enthralled by this, especially Steph and the twins, who make loud fangirl noises every time the hideous mulletman is on screen. Joey and Wheels, at the back of the room, are mocking the whole thing, and being pretty entertaining. Voula, who presumably isn't allowed watch TV due to her parents being ethnic, is working quietly in the corner. Lucy comes in and sits beside her, and bitches about Raditch. "I don't have to worry. I don't need spelling. I'm gonna be a dancer," she announces. Solid strategy there; can't see how that could backfire. Voula, a little starstruck by Lucy's seditious Raditch-bashing, offers to coach her in spelling anyway, and Lucy looks kind of touched.

Over by the TV, Steph announces that she's going to meet Damon King, and pulls out her soap magazine, which has an ad for a book signing he's doing tomorrow. The twins agree to go along with her. Even Heather!

Just then, Alexa, who's keeping guard at the door, announces that "Baxter's coming!". Erika turns off the TV, and everyone hastily pretends to be studying. In comes the mysterious Ms Baxter, who I think we've briefly glimpsed before, but who will never actually be seen to teach a class or anything, because the show's budget won't cover it. She sits down to supervise the study class. Lucy whispers to Voula that she would like help with her spelling, after all. Because Lucy is just that lonely.

Later, at Lucy's, they're going over spellings, and Lucy is not that good. She whinges that it's boring, and Voula says she just has to keep practicing. "No I don't," says Lucy. "It's my right to flunk if I want to." I like Lucy, but her whiny sense of entitlement is really irritating sometimes.

Just then, the phone rings, and Lucy goes to answer it. It's her mother, to say she'll be working late. Oh, and Dad's working late too, but that whole side of things is downplayed, because careers are normal for men. Lucy sounds suicidally depressed at this news, but I'm sure she doesn't really mind, since she previously swore to Mr. Raditch that everything was fine at home. Right? Right?

Once she hangs up, she decides that she's sick of studying, and that there's no problem in life that can't be solved with a healthy dose of denial and… a makeover! She drags Voula off to her room, and starts throwing her clothes to try on. Voula protests geekily, but is powerless in the face of Lucy's slightly manic enthusiasm, and eventually breaks into a nervous, nasal giggle.

Meanwhile, the Advanced Unwise Behaviour group are on the way home, wildly excited about tomorrow's book signing. Erika is pretending to be Damon King, telling a faux-swooning Steph that "the moment I saw you, I knew we were meant for each other. Now, I know you're only fourteen, but what does age matter?" It actually matters quite a lot, as we are soon to find out. Anyway, the point of this scene is: Steph is fourteen, and fourteen-year-old girls think relationships with men in their late thirties are totally romaaaantic.

Back at Lucy's, the makeover is in full swing. Voula's now wearing too-large leopard-print leggings, a black tank top, and a little tiger-print scarf. "It's not the usual me, that's for sure," she understates. Lucy drags her to the mirror and ties the scarf around her neck so it looks a bit like a man's tie. "That's nice!" says Voula in the high-pitched voice of a bad, bad liar. She then adds, "I wish I had more interest in clothes," which (since it implies that this whole makeover is a waste of time) seems weirdly passive-aggressive; but hey, it's Voula. Lucy offers to lend her some stuff, but Voula says that her parents won't let her be sophisticated. I really don't think parental disapproval is the only thing preventing her from being sophisticated.

"My parents are perfect," says Lucy offhandedly. "They buy me everything I want. And they're always working, so they're never around here to bug me." "Don't you get lonely?" asks Voula. Lucy looks enormously uncomfortable, then claims that she's "self-sufficient". The phrase "not just a river in Egypt" springs to mind. The girls smile awkwardly, and then Lucy tries to make Voula try on another outfit. Voula says she has to go home, and Lucy practically begs her to stay for dinner. Very self-sufficient of her. Voula just shakes her head sadly, and Lucy advances on her, frantically insisting that her mother is a gourmet cook and "takes classes and stuff", but Voula backs away and says that Papa Stalin is expecting her home. That bread won't slice itself! "Boooring," snarks Lucy, who is not at all jealous of Voula's smothering home life. Not even a little bit. Tra la la.

Of course, a good mother wouldn't need to take cookery classes, because she would actually be home to cook every night, instead of gallivanting off to meetings and mergers and whatnot! Fancy-schmancy gourmet cookery is no substitute for proper dutiful housewifery.

A little later, Voula's leaving, dressed in her peasant outfit. Lucy thanks her for the help with her spelling, then gives her the stolen scarf from earlier. Voula is utterly overjoyed to wear something that wasn't previously owned by her grandmother back in the old country. "Keep it for as long as you like," says Lucy, "I've got lots." Or at least she knows where to steal more. Voula heads off into the night, and Lucy stares after her with inexpressible longing. Because she is lonely.

Just then the phone rings. Lucy goes back in to answer it, looking ridiculously excited. But she just gets her heart broken, and not for the first time, as her mother is still tied up at work – "You know what these deals are like!" she declares chirpily, because she is a callous businesswoman. She then tells Lucy that there's some sushi in the fridge, which sounds pretty good, but it's the last straw for Lucy. She shuffles sadly over to the fridge and takes out the sushi, bravely wiping away a single tear. Because she is lonely. Because her mother has a career.

Next day, Mr Raditch is giving the spelling test. Lucy and Voula exchange a smile, because Lucy is totally kicking the ass of this test, even though she quit halfway through their only study session to tart Voula up. Whatever.

When the bell goes, Raditch announces that he'll have their tests marked after lunch, and everyone gets up to leave. Lucy enthuses some more about how studying totally, like, made her know stuff, and Voula is anaemically supportive as ever.

Cut to Steph and the twins. Steph is skanked up to the max, wearing a geometric-patterned boob tube and a miniskirt that's on back to front. Heather, in accordance with her contractual obligations, is insisting that going to the book signing is a bad idea for some reason, but this is pretty much just filler dialogue while Steph gets her stuff out of her locker. Then they head out the door for an exciting afternoon in a bookshop.

The bookshop… oh dear lord. There's the most amateurish poster EVER outside; it proclaims that "TV's hottest soap star", "King of Hearts Damon King", is signing his new book, "Confessions of a Soap Star!!". Yes, the exclamation marks are part of the title. The poster's in black-and-white, including a really bad photocopy of Damon King's face, but has been lazily coloured in here and there with a marker that was running low on ink. Better yet, when the girls arrive and go into the shop, we see some copies of the book in the front window, and the cover is just a smaller version of the poster. Crappy colouring-in and everything. Best of all: the books are clearly stacked in a Random House branded display case. I feel terribly sorry for Random House, who probably never knew why their share prices tumbled so dramatically all of a sudden.

Inside, the shop is piled high with copies of Damon King's book. The man himself is at a table, being charming with a middle-aged woman who's telling him what a big fan she is. He sleazily kisses her on the hand as she tells him, "You look so adorable." Adorable is not quite the word. He is wearing a blazer made out of that heavy white material with Regency-style pastoral scenes which is usually used to make couch-covers.

The girls come in, and stop to ogle him. "He looks just like on TV!" sighs Erika. That's not really a good thing, considering what he looks like on TV. Steph goes over to the table and hits Damon King with the full power of her Flirting Grin. Apparently the man is majorly into uneven teeth, because he wiggles his eyebrows and growls, "Hi there," in what is presumably supposed to be a languid, sexy voice, but actually sounds more like he's had a few Valiums (Valia?).

Steph explains that she can't afford to buy a copy of his book, but will he sign her TV Guide? Damon looks her up and down, then up and down again, then once more just to be sure, lingering around the boob tube area, then signs the magazine. In the background, Erika eagerly wonders if he'll kiss Steph. From the way he's mentally undressing her, I'd say we can be fairly sure of the answer. Behind Erika, we can see a woman with an eye patch who I'm sure appears later (minus eye patch) as Kathleen's mother. Low-budget TV, how I love thee.

"How old are you, Stephanie?" asks Damon. She hesitates a second, then says she's sixteen. "Sweet sixteen," he muses in a "nice and legal, eh?" voice, looking her up and down a few more times. He then adds something to the autograph, and hands back the magazine. "You know, Stephanie," he breathes, "one autograph, one kiss. That's my policy." A policy that must prove awkward during things like contract signings. He leans over and kisses her on the cheek, displaying the full mightiness of his hideous mullet in the process.

Steph looks briefly shocked, but runs over to the twins and squees that she'll "never wash this cheek again", which, ew. Heather, always on the lookout for something to disapprove of, looks at the autograph and realises that Damon King has written down his phone number. Steph looks back at him, and he nods and winks at her, and I did not know a nod and wink could be so very, very disgusting. AAAAAURGH. As the girls leave, the camera zooms in on one of the Damon King posters, and he totally has the face of a killer.

After the break, everyone's back in class, and somehow the girls made it to the book signing and back in time to get their spelling test results. Thrilling. Heather did well, but Erika did badly, and gives Raditch a look of utter loathing. Because she's the mildly cool twin. Raditch tells Joey that "I didn't realise you knew Swahili." Joey looks like he completely doesn't get the joke, but everyone laughs at him, so he gets the general idea. Seemingly, Raditch didn't really learn his lesson about publicly mocking students. And Lucy, of course, wins at literacy.

Raditch then gives some closing remarks about spelling, but while he talks, he's gathering up his stuff, looking at his watch, and pacing nearer and nearer to the door. The instant the bell rings, he yanks open the door and makes a run for it, actually doing a little air-punch on the way out. Cute.

Steph and the twins are first out the door, and Heather's already in mid-lecture about how calling Damon King would be really, really stupid. "He gave me his number, why shouldn't I call him?" says Steph, displaying the impeccable reasoning skills we've come to love her for.

Meanwhile, Lucy's totally psyched about her newfound spelling skills. "I passed and it's all thanks to you!" she tells Voula. "You helped me, now I'm going to help you. Let's go get you some new clothes!" Voula, who's still wearing Lucy's scarf, says she doesn't have any money. "Don't worry about it!" says Lucy. "You want new clothes, don't you?" Note: a line like that is never, ever a good sign. Voula protests, but Lucy's not taking no for an answer.

As ominous bass music thrums in the background, Steph and the twins walk towards a phone box. "I don't think you should do this," grumps Heather, who is no less annoying just because she's the only one with any common sense. Steph and Erika squee over the dubious hotness of Damon King; when Heather points out that he only wants Steph's body, Steph views that as a major plus.

As Steph goes into the phone box and dials (dials! on a dial!), the twins stand outside and make various in-character comments on the situation, e.g. "I don't believe this." "Neither do I." "This is so romantic." "This is so dumb." "Don't be such a prude." "I am not a prude!" Steph, meanwhile, gets through to Damon King, who clearly has nothing to do but sit by the phone waiting for bouffant-haired schoolgirls to call. When she gets out of the phone box, she announces, "A date! Tonight! He's gonna show me how a TV studio works!" Is that what they're calling it these days?

"Isn't it kind of dumb going out with some strange man?" asks Heather, the annoying voice of reason. Erika insists, "This is not a strange man – this is a TV star!" Heather points out that they don't know anything about him (should have shelled out for a copy of his autobiography!). "Sure we do!" chirps Steph. "We watch him on TV all the time! I read about him! I feel like I practically know him!" Heather continues to list very reasonable objections to this whole thing (he's too old; "showing you how a TV studio works" is the most made-up excuse for a date ever), but Erika insists she's just jealous, and Steph says she can take care of herself. I'm not sure what she's basing this on.

And from the amount of time this show just devoted to debating the pros and cons of dating a random celebrity, I have to assume the writers actually thought this was a genuine hazard that the youth of today (well, yesterday) needed to be warned about at length. What the hell? Was this a particular thing back in 1987?

Meanwhile, Lucy and Voula are in the clothes shop where Lucy stole the scarf. Voula's blown away by the stuff on offer, being still new to the wonders of capitalist free markets. Lucy says that she shops there a lot, but I'm not sure it counts as shopping if you actually just steal things. As Voula peruses something which she calls a tape, but comes in a box that's nearly a foot long (anyone know what this is? because I'm genuinely stumped) Lucy ostentatiously looks around and steals a necklace, then drags Voula off to look at sweaters.

They start going through the fugly sweatshirts on the sale rack. Voula says that the first one looks like something her mother would buy, and granted it's ugly, but it still looks ten times better than Voula's peasant dresses. People in glass houses and all that. She then likes the look of another sweatshirt, but Lucy witheringly tells her that these are "clone clothes". Ouch.

Voula goes over to look at another rack, then picks out a cardigan. It's just… just awful. It's a huge lumpy-looking V-neck, with a geometric pattern in navy and suicide green, with a big black collar and button band, and randomly strewn glitter. But, because the '80s make no sense, Lucy, the "stylish" one, declares that it's nice. Voula can't afford it, so Lucy promptly takes the cardigan off the hanger and shoves it in her bag. "What are you doing?" squeaks Voula. "Sssh! Be casual," orders Lucy. Behind her, a middle-aged woman in a purple sweatshirt gives her a stinkeye worthy of Raditch.

"Put it back!" hisses Voula, but Lucy insists that no-one saw them, in which case why is the middle-aged woman looking at them like they're the spawn of Satan? As Lucy drags Voula towards the escalator, the woman pulls out a walkie-talkie, and then extends its aerial, which is nearly a metre long. It is not what you'd call subtle.

Lucy and Voula march through the shop, Voula whispering that it's wrong, wrong, wrong! I don't know why she cares so much; as her father would tell her, all property is theft anyway. Lucy insists that it doesn't matter, and shops expect to lose stuff, and she doesn't quite say that she's sticking it to the man, but it's heavily implied. As they get on the escalator, she tells Voula not to be such a wimp, and Voula snaps, "I'm not a wimp, you're a thief!" The two facts are really not mutually exclusive.

Lucy gives her the bag, and huffily tells her to take the cardigan back, since she's so big on law and order, but Voula's scared someone will see. "Come on, Voula, no-one cares!" says Lucy, just as a security guard appears at the top of the escalator, and by the look of him, I'd say he cares. The girls try to run back down the escalator, but there's a shop assistant at the bottom, glaring at them with a Face Of Doom. The girls stop running, and are promptly escalated back up to the security guard. He smarmily takes the bag, and escorts them off to wherever security guards escort shoplifters to.

Meanwhile, Steph's standing outside a record shop, dressed for her date. You can tell she's in a bad neighbourhood because there's a siren wailing in the background.Her hair is frizzed and sprayed to within an inch of its life. She's wearing the pink leggings from her ill-fated date with Wheels, some random see-through glittery piece of fabric hanging over her ass, and a bomber jacket, because otherwise this outfit would just be slutty. Some middle-aged guy comes out of the shop and stares at her lasciviously as he walks away, but she doesn't notice.

Just then, Damon King pulls up in a white two-seater, and tells her to "hop aboard". Never trust a man who uses expressions like "hop aboard". She briefly looks nervous, but gets in, first casting a shifty look around in exactly the style of a hooker ineptly trying to be discreet. He looks her up and down in an even sleazier manner than before, and pervs, "Let's you and me go have some fun." Off they go, nearly colliding with a tram that looms out of the darkness at the last minute.

Lucy and Voula are in an office, sitting in front of a security guard who looks even more depressed than they do. She pulls the ugly jumper out of Lucy's bag, and dronily moralises, "What's the matter with you kids? Don't you think shoplifting matters? The store has to pay for the things you steal, which means they have to raise their prices and people have to pay more." At the start of this speech, she sounds soulless and apathetic, but then suddenly switches moods, sounding incredibly angry and embittered by the end. It's sort of impressive to screw up a short line so comprehensively, in two completely different ways.

Lucy rolls her eyes, and Voula looks like she might vomit. The security guard, back to a soulless monotone, speculates that they'll "be singing a different tune when the police arrive". Ooh, badass. Voula freaks out even more at the mention of the police, but Lucy tells her that if they pretend to be sorry, they won't get charged and won't have to go down to the station. Voula realises that Lucy's suspiciously familiar with police procedure, and asks if she's been caught before, at which Lucy gets pretty offended. She's not usually nearly this bad at stealing!

Just then, a policeman (who looks about 17; bad casting, or am I just getting old?) comes in. "Well well," he says to Lucy, "you again! And I see you've brought a friend with you this time." Voula realises she's been hanging with a hardened, hamfisted criminal, and gives Lucy her best guilt-trip stare, last seen during the school's presidential election.

Stephanie and Damon are driving past a bunch of motels. Not the family-friendly, 1950s kind of motels; the kind with hookers outside. There are, in fact, some hookers standing on the footpath. This show is aimed at what age group again?

Damon pulls in outside one of the motels. Steph looks around blankly. Her expression might be supposed to show slowly dawning horror, or complete incomprehension. It's Stephanie; it's hard to tell. Anyway, she eventually realises that this probably isn't a TV studio. Damon's non-explanation: "Why don't we stop for a bit? And talk?" Steph looks appropriately horrified, but insists she's not afraid, she just isn't that fond of Toronto's grimy motel disrict. Damon tries to persuade her that "this is a nice place"; I think he just underestimated Stephanie Kaye's intelligence and good taste. That takes some doing. And just in case you thought his "moves" couldn't get any more dodgy, he actually sprays his mouth with mouth spray – the international symbol for creepiness.

Leaning vampirically towards her, he repeats an earlier line from his TV show: "I think you and I have a lot in common… I really do." His sincerity is somewhat undermined by the fact that he's just put one hand around her, and the other on her thigh. Steph decides that enough is enough, and demands to be taken home NOW, but he just growls, "Come on, Stephanie. You know what this is all about." EW.

Steph leaps out of the car and starts to run, with impressive agility for someone in three-inch heels. Damon tries to follow, but she yells at him to stay away. He literally tries to shush her, but when he gets closer and puts his hands on her shoulders, she tells him the truth: "I'm not really sixteen. I'm fourteen years old." Hilariously, he literally backs away, looking around to make sure there are no paparazzi lurking, then turns and runs, dives into his car and drives off, tyres screeching. "You'd better not touch me!" Steph yells redundantly at his departing form.

Um… something tells me that real-world perverts are not quite so easily deterred.

At the shop, Lucy's explaining to the policeman that it was all her fault. Neither Voula nor the policeman really give a crap, though. And off they all go to the police station.

Steph's in the motel lobby, calling her mother. "I've done something really stupid," she says. To which the natural response is: what's new? "Can you come and pick me up?" she asks. "I'm at a motel." She's been crying, and her mascara is all Gothy and smudged. So you know this is a serious, gritty scene.

Voula and Lucy are on a bench at the police station. Some guy goes by in handcuffs, and they both look at him nervously. I believe we're getting some kind of message about how crime is a generally bad idea.

Voula snaps, and rants about how it's all Lucy's fault, but when Lucy tries to apologise, Voula tells her, "Don't talk to me," in a magnificently pissy tone. Just then, Papa Stalin arrives at the front desk, with some plump woman who is presumably Mama Stalin. Papa Stalin tells the teenage cop that he's here for Voula, and both Stalins give the girls filthy glares while they wait.

Voula's oblivious to this, being in full-on rant mode: "I'm sorry I ever helped you! I used to think you were sophisticated, but you're just dumb!" There's a long, awkward pause while both girls realise Voula's run out of dialogue, then try to look like their silence is intentional and hastily put on sulky faces. FINALLY the teenage cop turns up, and tells Voula that her glowering parents are here. Lucy wishes her luck, but just gets glared at in response. As the family is reunited, we can just hear the Stalins laying a standard-issue ethnic guilt-trip on Voula: "You see what we have here? What have you done to us? Why you do this? Is it my fault? No more Lucy! No more Lucy for you! I told you Lucy is no good!" Ah, immigants.

Meanwhile, the teenage cop returns to Lucy and tells her he's having some trouble contacting her parents. "They're very busy," she says, full of poorly concealed bitterness. The policeman says he's going to have to charge her this time, and they go off to wherever policemen take you to be charged. As she leaves, Lucy casts a wistful look at the epic scolding Voula's getting. I bet Mama Stalin doesn't have a career! On the plus side, at least Lucy's high-powered parents should at least have ample money for bail, if and when they actually turn up.

Oh hey, happy music! We're back at school the next morning. That was… abrupt. Steph's telling the twins about her date, and just in case we hadn't got the message already, she informs them that "what looks good on TV can be pretty gross in real life". Okay, I GET it. Jeez. I won't go on any dates with minor TV stars. Are you satisfied now, Degrassi writers?

No, they're not satisfied, apparently: we're subjected to some rambling about "not getting into risky situations" and how Steph was "reeeeally lucky" that Damon King was an unusually law-abiding pervert. Her mother, by the way, was not all that angry after all, only backing up my theory that her alleged strictness is just invented by Steph so she can feel put-upon.

Voula is bustling resentfully down the corridor when Lucy calls out to her. Lucy is wearing a man's blue shirt, a denim sleeveless shirt over that, and a waistcoat made out of carpet. Which is reason enough to avoid her, as Voula promptly does; also, she's not allowed talk to Lucy any more (or, as it's said in ethnic-speak, "No more Lucy for you!"). Lucy just follows her and waffles at the back of her head about how it really was all her own fault, and she was dumb, and she has to go to court: "I guess I'm in a lot of trouble." This finally gets Voula's attention, and she asks how Lucy's oh-so-loose parents felt about the whole clusterfuck. I'm paraphrasing slightly.

"They said I was a spoiled brat after all they'd done for me. Maybe they're right," Lucy admits. Ok, Lucy's shoplifting is stupid and unnecessary and admittedly illegal, but seriously: why are all the parents on this show so unsympathetic? Their reactions to standard teenage mischief range from accusations of brattism, unpatriotic Westernisation, unpardonable tomboyism and/or skankitude to administering savage beatings (or, best-case scenario, admitting to social workers that they wished they could administer savage beatings). Lucy shrugs and walks morosely into Mr. Raditch's class, and when Voula follows her, she continues, "They said we have to take family counselling. My parents probably won't be able to find the time." Yeah, that's fair.

Her anger rapidly dissipating, Voula is looking at Lucy with the same look of yearning as before, and finally blurts out: "Listen, do you want any more help? Like in spelling or math or anything?" Not so much in shoplifting. "But I thought your parents said," begins Lucy in befuddlement. "I'll talk to them," says Voula brightly. "They'll understand when they stop being so mad." On past form, this is wildly unlikely, but clearly the writers needed some way to wrap up this episode.

"So… do you want any help?" asks Voula again. Lucy pauses, then breaks into a broad, ill-judged grin. In true Degrassi style, as the closing music starts, we freeze on a very unflattering shot of her braces.

Dubious lessons of the week: Children of high-powered parents will inevitably become illiterate, erratically-dressed delinquents. Tutoring a new friend in spelling is a sure-fire way to end up in trouble with the law. Celebrities are perverts.